Friendship Breakups Could Be Harder Than Romantics Ones — Here’s How To Deal With Them

This is how to know if it’s time “to break up” with your best friend.

Ten years ago, when I was in high school, I met Allyson (fake name). Thanks to the proximity of our homes and common interests, we became inseparable. We talked every day, sent photos, and knew everything about each other.

When we started college and couldn’t see each other every day, nothing changed. We were still best friends, as always; sometimes, she slept at my house and vice versa, and we planned trips together.

That closeness, despite the distance and the changes in our lives, made me believe that this friendship was forever.

However, one day, she told me something that changed the dynamic of our friendship forever, “I got a boyfriend.” We had had a partner before, and everything remained the same between us, but this specific boy made her change what she was.

She was no longer the happy girl who loved to buy coffee with me on a random Wednesday to talk about how tired she was of her house or how we could start a business together. She became so busy that none of the group knew about her.

I tried everything to continue the friendship. I invited her to the gym “so she can help me with some exercises,” but she said it was not respectful because she was going with her boyfriend. I tried inviting her to parties and events, but she didn’t want to because she was busy with “something.” I tried to keep talking about my things, but she was no longer interested in them.

It was like she no longer wanted to be my friend.

Trying to make things like before was hurting me so much, and it became toxic because she felt that I was pushing her to do things she didn’t want just because I wanted to be with her. So, this year, I decided to stop talking to her for my well-being.

But what I didn’t know was that this decision would be incredibly hard. Even though there are plenty of articles, videos, and general advice on how to deal with a breakup with your partner, there are almost none that helped me to move on after I lost my friendship. But, as incredible as it sounds, I felt I needed more advice for this friendship breakup than for every relationship I had.

A friendship breakup can be more painful than a romantic one because you don’t feel this can happen.

Breaking up with a boyfriend or girlfriend is hard, but you already know this could be a possibility when you start a relationship.

Also, in many cases, there are signals that a relationship will end.

However, for me, breaking up with a friend is more painful because when you decide to trust someone deeply and have them in your life like a family, you don’t feel there could be a way that person doesn’t want to be your friend anymore.

And you are not expecting someone you love not to want to stay close to you anymore without any valid reason.

I believed that friendship was forever, especially because we had been completely close for ten years already. I thought that she would be like an aunt to my children and that we would be taking pictures of each other in the nursing home in 50 years.

But from one moment to the other, I lost the person whom I talked to the most, who felt that I knew the most, and the one who knew me and helped me in so many stages of my life.

The problem is that continuing the friendship was more difficult than leaving it there, and this year, I promised myself to eliminate everything from my life that was compromising my mental health, so after analyzing it for a long time, I decided that it was the best option not to persist forcing something.

One of the questions I constantly asked myself while dealing with that toxic friendship was, how do I know it was time to let that friendship go?

Friendships are not supposed to hurt you.

It doesn’t matter how long you’ve known each other, the special moments you’ve had, or how much support someone gave you in the past; if that person is currently making you suffer, then it’s time to stop and think about if it’s healthy to continue this relationship.

Many people cling to a friendship because they are the only person who has supported or understood them at some point in their life, without realizing that this is making them unhappy in the process, and that cannot be possible.

If a friendship:

• Makes you feel less than someone
• Makes you do things against your principles or morals
• Doesn’t have moments of happiness or make you feel sad with their words most of the time
• It’s making you feel stressed or anxious being around them
• You have to be someone else to fit
• You feel that you are the only one making efforts for that relationship

Then it is not worth it.

It doesn’t matter if they tell you they love you or manipulate you to feel that you have to be close to them so they can be in peace; if it is not making you feel fine or compromising your mental health, it is time to let it go.

I realized that this friendship was no longer worth it when I felt sad or mad whenever I had to deal with Allyson.

I still love this girl as she is my sister, and I would do anything for her if it was in my hands, but I know that I no longer support their behavior because it was affecting my life in the process.

Friendship is not supposed to hurt. And if I get to that point, it’s best to cut things quickly.

How I finally moved on from that friendship breakup.

The first thing I did was look for closure.

I talked to her and explained all the reasons why I didn’t want to talk to her anymore, at least for the moment, and how I felt during the last year. I let her know that I loved her and I would be there for her if she needed me and said goodbye.

Never ghost someone or ignore them if you have the opportunity to clearly communicate why you are making a decision. Even if you think they know why you are doing something.

In some cases, you probably think that this person would not care what you have to say or that it is ridiculous to even take the time to write something for someone who doesn’t value it, but you are not doing it for them; you are doing it for you. And you can do it in the most respectful and simple way possible.

By doing it, you will not let anyone assume something that is not real, and it will help you heal better because you know that the person had the possibility of doing something with that information and, in the end, did nothing.

Allyson responded by saying that “she didn’t know what I was saying and that everything that I said there was a lie because she was the same as always,” but it didn’t stop me from making my decision, which helped me understand that I made the correct move.

I did it by text message because, at that point in the relationship, it was the only form of communication I had with her. But that was the best thing that happened to me. First, because it helped me reread and know that it was the right decision, and second, it helped me have proof of what really happened.

Allyson decided to tell my other friends lies about what happened, but I knew the reality and had it there whenever she wanted to turn someone against me.

Many people believe that ending something via message is immature or inconsiderate, but I think it is an opportunity to have a conversation forever and help you remember why you made a decision.

One thing that I don’t recommend anyone doing that I made the mistake of was analyzing all the things I did wrong or that I could have done differently. While it is natural to wonder about those things, there is no point in doing it because it is already done.

The best thing is to stop overthinking about it and focus on looking forward with a new perspective. I decided to keep doing the things that we liked to do together but alone, and I learned to be happy and at peace with myself in those places.

Think about your personal growth and what you can do to keep being the good person you are right now so that when someone else (or even that friend again) comes back into your life, you will be a new, different, and healed person.

Something that helped me to heal was to think that if I kept that relationship the way it was, I would end up hating my friend. So, the best thing I did was to stop talking to keep the good memories intact. So now, every time I miss her, I think about her in a good way.

Finally, learn to forgive not only that person but yourself. Forgiveness protects your health, and it helps you to move forward faster than if you constantly keep thinking about all the bad things that person did.

Some friends will be with you all your life, and some friends will simply enter and leave a special mark for a period, and that’s okay. Moving on from a friend that is causing you mental and emotional harm is the best decision you can make. Read that again until you are convinced.

I still miss my friend sometimes, especially on occasions when we were supposed to be together, like Thanksgiving or Christmas shopping; however, I prefer to remember it that way than come to the point of hating her.

Friendship breakups can be hard, even harder than relationships. Ashley Mateo, a writer from Oprah Magazine, says, “Our brain doesn’t know the difference between a romantic or platonic relationship.” But we need to keep in mind that sometimes it is the best choice to keep the good memories.

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