Perfectionism: Five Ways I Cured My Own Case

Accept yourself just as you are

Perfectionism plagued my life for years. It follows us from birth until death. You will find it in every area of life. It may be felt with your parents, your extended family, your teachers, your work, and your peers. It is the source of so much unhappiness and suffering. We are trained from birth to people please, to be judged and to judge others, to compare, and to “try harder”. If your self-esteem isn’t entirely crushed before high school graduation, you are a lucky exception.

Perfectionism is not something we are born with. We learn it. It grows on us. It is instilled into us by adults who are supposed to be helping us or even care about us. Kids don’t care about their differences until they hear or see adults caring about them. How many of you as a child heard the saying “Practice makes perfect.”? As a child, the more I was judged, measured, and labeled, the more I hated myself because it put this enormous pressure on me to become someone else. I was not good enough, by far! I was destined to spend my entire life being reminded of all the levels of my failure and shortcomings, or so I thought. I even hated aspects of myself I had no control over, such as my physical and mental attributes.

How does a child know if they are beautiful, smart, or talented (or not) until someone else tells them?

The irony is that while we have these clearly-defined standards of perfection beaten into us daily and are often punished when we fail to live up to them, we hear contractions like:

“You can become anything you set your mind to!”

“Be all that you can be!”

“You are special just the way you are!”

No wonder kids are confused with all these mixed messages and double standards.

But what if it didn’t have to be that way? What if we could rethink society and the way we treat children? What if we could remove the ideals and let children be themselves, without fear or judgment? I imagine a brave new world where no one shows you the right way to be and praises or scolds you for your performance or attributes. This could be a world where no one defines excellence but just lets kids learn to become comfortable with their unique abilities, different levels, and their attributes, instead of questioning them or creating shame.

The reality is that this could never happen because our entire society is built around fixed ideals. This goes way back to our beginnings when it was a matter of survival or death to have the right attributes for hunting, guarding animals, defending your village, or preparing food. Today, our society still relies on perfectionism to function. Imagine if the air control tower didn’t maintain strict standards or the navy didn’t have a tight ship protocol. Perfectionism is actually intended to save us, in a way. But on a personal level, it does so much harm. The drive towards perfectionism can ruin entire lives. It can drive people to suicide. It can destroy families.

But maybe the biggest tragedy of all is depriving a person of self-acceptance and self-realization. By pumping a person with fear and self-doubt, they lose the self-confidence to be able to pursue their true calling and passion in life. This leads to studying something you truly aren’t that into, getting a job you don’t enjoy, and maybe even marrying a person you don’t truly love, all out of the people-pleasing desire and belief that if you don’t, you will be shunned and banished to indefinite loneliness and an outcast in life.

Isn’t setting your goals high a good thing? After all, society does have a few valid points, such as finding a good job is easier with a good education or getting married and having kids is the official way to continue civilization. The problem lays in living your truth vs. living a truth you were conditioned to believe and follow that will actually make you feel like an imposter and lead to deep unhappiness.

So what is the solution to this terrible disease of perfectionism, you are wondering? For years, I myself suffered incredibly under it. Until I figured out how to set myself free. It was not quick nor easy but once it occurs, it is relatively permanent. Here are the steps I followed to cure my own case of perfectionism:

1/ Become Self-Aware of All You’ve Been Pretending At

Grab a notebook.

a. Write down a few top standards you were raised to believe about Education, Career, Love, Wealth, Success, Body, and Happiness. Examples: I need a good education, to make a lot of money, to get married and have children, to be thin and attractive, etc….to be successful and happy.

b. Check off the ones you succeeded at.

c. Heart the ones that actually make you 100% happy.

Note: Life is a work-in-progress and it is normal that you may still not have achieved many of these goals, especially if you are still young. Even better to do this exercise young so you will pursue very targeted goals in your life not following society’s standards but your own.

While generally, our beliefs are good, it is much more complex than that. What if you discover your true calling is a profession that doesn’t pay a lot of money? What if you fall in love with someone who doesn’t fit into your classic definition of a perfect partner (same sex, different religion or race, or other criteria your perfectionist upbringing and culture might disagree with)? Often, we are too hard on ourselves due to our conditioning.

Example 1: Maybe you finished college but in your mind, it will never be good enough because it wasn’t an Ivy League school or you didn’t win any academic achievements.

Example 2: Maybe you have a good job but you aren’t making as much money as you want.

Example 3: Maybe you got married but it didn’t work out and you ended up divorcing or you are still single and never seem to find the right partner.

Knowing the difference between the things that truly make you happy from your narrow definitions of success is huge.

That’s the beginning of the cure for the perfectionist disease. We will continue working on this list in the following exercises.

2/ Re-Write Your Definition of Success

The perfectionist has an insatiable thirst for success and will never happy nor fully satisfied. You will never be quite good enough for your inner perfectionist.

Take the list from the previous exercise and for each item above that you didn’t achieve at all or yet, write down if and WHY you believe these life goals are amazing FOR YOU. I stress the last part because a perfectionist’s definition will always be too narrow. Now that you are more self-aware, you will understand the difference between following expectations you have been conditioned to believe compared to goals that you truly want and know are right for you.

I won’t lie: this may be very difficult for some people, especially those from cultures where the collective needs are emphasized over each individual’s wellbeing. Sometimes one’s entire life has been structured around following one’s family or society expectations and the result is a lack of self. A person literally does not own their own identity. Instead, they are just a product of their upbringing. Finding out who you really starts with giving yourself permission to do so and the desire for self-discovery.

3/ Accept and Forgive Yourself For Your Perceived Shortcomings, Both Past and Future

Your life is not a series of successes and failures. You don’t get a scorecard when you die. You are a whole individual. Failure is the path towards success. They are part of the same process. You only get one life and you deserve to live it on your own terms with your own definitions of happiness and success. Once you allow yourself to acknowledge your heart’s true callings, you can mourn the loss of your old notions of success. After all, they probably were with you from a very early age. Also, people you loved may have instilled them into you so it is definitely not easy to dismiss them. But you must let them go and forgive yourself if you want to free yourself from perfectionism, the disease standing between you and your happiness. It is scary but fear is never something to run from. The remedy for fear is action. Leaving your old definitions of success behind will be incredibly liberating because now you will no longer be a puppet. You will own your own life.

4/ Commit To Self-Love and Truth From Here On Out

Now is time for your transformation. You have made amends with yourself and accepted to allow yourself to want what you want, guilt-free, even if it means going against the way you were raised or the norms in your society. You have tuned into your deepest self and listened to what your heart is saying. This is a major win against your old frenemy, Perfectionism. You must make the promise to yourself to stay loyal to yourself, starting today and lasting for the rest of your life. Your truth will be the only truth you follow and it will always guide you, now that you have lit the inner fire.

5/ Let Your Actions Align With Your Intentions

This is the final step to killing your inner perfectionist and finding your true happiness. You know your path. It is such a relief to be free of the old chains and to be in-line with your inner purpose. Yet it isn’t over. To make it official, you must seal the deal by taking public action on your goals. After all, thoughts are just thoughts but they don’t become real until you act upon them.

It is an important milestone the day that you take action upon your true goals for happiness. This may mean leaving a loveless marriage, quitting a bad job, or making some other major change in your life. Once you decide to live in-line with your heart, your actions will become crystal clear. It will be not a question of ‘if’ but of ‘when’ and ‘how’. Your absolute conviction in being true to who you are will outweigh the fear of change.

Standing up to outside perception is another scary step but it will only empower you in the end. You know that the world will probably fight you. You may upset or disappoint people. For people who truly care about you, they will want your happiness, and eventually, they will get over their initial reaction and support your decisions. If they don’t, their love is false and you are better off without them in your future.

Is this a happy end, now that you banished perfectionism from your life? Honestly, no. This is just the beginning. Remember that happiness is not about perfectionism. There is no perfect ending nor an ultimate guarantee of happiness. Be ready to fully live, mistakes and failures, successes and wins, hugs and tears, all of it. Not regretting nor doubting yourself a single instant.