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Abstract

!”It suddenly became a very simple concept as I applied it to myself. I need the freedom to express who I am without restraint any longer. I have spent my entire life walling up crucial parts of me: my soul, my heart and my true gender. Like the tip of an iceberg, I could only show as small portion of myself, only what was acceptable to those around me.I was forced to restrain my gender from birth. The psychological force needed to suppress my gender and build these massive walls of denial, came from the society I grew up in, the flood of testosterone in my body and my desperate need to just fit in.It took 60 years of emotional erosion to wear away the psychological prison walls that that kept these parts of me repressed and locked away for so long. The walls were very thick.Now that I am finally released from that prison, why would I want to stay in my prison clothes and hang around the prison?I want to be free to be me, as I see and feel me, not just the parts that others only want see. I want the total me, the repressed me, the honest me without restraint any longer, to see all of “me” looking back at me in the mirror.I think I have earned the right to be finally be free.To finally be all of me.Emma HolidayPlease also read :<div id="4d7f" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/the-transgender-pain-29b6b8f304ab"> <div>

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            <h2>The Transgender Pain</h2>
            <div><h3>The Pain</h3></div>
            <div><p>medium.com</p></div>
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            <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/1*W-5ZDIga_SEULXonLaQNpA.jpeg)"></div>
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    </div><p id="b001"><i>I have tied all of my stories to the above thread.</i></p><p id="e3ff"><b><i>Writers note:</i></b><i> If you have read any of my writings on Medium you will have noticed a definite theme: the incredible pain of gender dysphoria and all the difficult aspects of just being transgender.</i></p><p id="3977"><i>My writing has three specific goals:</i></p><p id="e662"><i>1. Writing is my therapy. I have a very limited outlet for my thoughts so I write to find a way to process the most profound experience in my life. I need to understand and I need to accept myself to move forward.</i></p><p id="69fc"><i>2. Being transgender, for me, is a very lonely existence and if I can share some of the things that I feel and think as I go through the process of transitioning with others who are transgender and, in some way, lessen their pain and sense of loneliness, then all of this public exposure of my personal thoughts is not a waste.</i></p><p id="d4b0"><i>3. I write to help cisgender people understand that all trans people want is to simply be understood, accepted and treated as a normal person. We are.</i></p></article></body>

Freedom!

Why do I need to physically transition?

I have been torturing myself every day, for what feels like every minute, for months with just one question:

“Why do I need to physically transition?”

Rational thought would answer:

“You have come to your deep spiritual truth, that you are a transgender female. Why do you need to make such superficial changes?”

I know that this simple, rational acceptance would be the perfect solution for my family, friends and my world in general…but it doesn’t seem to be my solution. I have dissected my motivation, challenged my heart and finally looked into my soul.

This is not about rational thought. It is about my inner truth. The one that resonates deep within me. The one that I know is truly mine and only mine.

Strangely, as I came to this conclusion, out of nowhere a scene from BRAVEHEART came to mind and I heard Mel Gibson voice screaming in my head:

“Freedom!”

It suddenly became a very simple concept as I applied it to myself. I need the freedom to express who I am without restraint any longer. I have spent my entire life walling up crucial parts of me: my soul, my heart and my true gender. Like the tip of an iceberg, I could only show as small portion of myself, only what was acceptable to those around me.

I was forced to restrain my gender from birth. The psychological force needed to suppress my gender and build these massive walls of denial, came from the society I grew up in, the flood of testosterone in my body and my desperate need to just fit in.

It took 60 years of emotional erosion to wear away the psychological prison walls that that kept these parts of me repressed and locked away for so long. The walls were very thick.

Now that I am finally released from that prison, why would I want to stay in my prison clothes and hang around the prison?

I want to be free to be me, as I see and feel me, not just the parts that others only want see. I want the total me, the repressed me, the honest me without restraint any longer, to see all of “me” looking back at me in the mirror.

I think I have earned the right to be finally be free.

To finally be all of me.

Emma Holiday

Please also read :

The Transgender Pain

The Pain

medium.com

I have tied all of my stories to the above thread.

Writers note: If you have read any of my writings on Medium you will have noticed a definite theme: the incredible pain of gender dysphoria and all the difficult aspects of just being transgender.

My writing has three specific goals:

1. Writing is my therapy. I have a very limited outlet for my thoughts so I write to find a way to process the most profound experience in my life. I need to understand and I need to accept myself to move forward.

2. Being transgender, for me, is a very lonely existence and if I can share some of the things that I feel and think as I go through the process of transitioning with others who are transgender and, in some way, lessen their pain and sense of loneliness, then all of this public exposure of my personal thoughts is not a waste.

3. I write to help cisgender people understand that all trans people want is to simply be understood, accepted and treated as a normal person. We are.