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Abstract

ng solely on employment has resulted in a financial crisis for many in 2020.Considering the odds of entrepreneur failure or employer rejection can yield emotional paralysis even for the most qualified professional like Rachel. She confessed to wanting help and being offered it. However, she hasn’t followed through on reaching out to those who have offered. She admitted a feeling of shame.Everything on Rachel’s mind is undoubtedly reasonable. However, as a psychologist, my radar goes beyond the surface. I know that the feeling of shame is rarely about the current situation. We learn shame early, especially women. We learn that having needs is shameful, or at least the inability to need help meeting your needs.Accomplished women often achieve with more struggles than help. When we’ve been trained to pride ourselves in the struggle, asking for help is difficult. Sometimes we choose to fail on our own rather than succeed with help from someone. No, Rachel, failure should not be an option when support is available.When we’ve been trained to pride ourselves in the struggle, asking for help is difficult.Rachel has to invest a little time into addressing the shame that prevents her from accepting help. When the outside world feels heavy, motivation for navigating the inner world is low. At the same time, addressing the inner world is the key to changing the outer world, at least in Rachel’s case.Whether Rachel starts her own business or looks for employment, she will need help to get to the next level of the profession. She may also need professional help to address her shame so that it doesn’t get in the way of future endeavors.<h1 id="143f">Sharon</h1>Sharon is an everyday woman who struggles with suicide ideation. She just wants to live without the will to die. Yes, of course, I referred her to the suicide prevention hotline. But, she did not express any risks of suicide.One of the reasons people live with suicide ideation is because they never have a safe place to talk about their thoughts without the world around them panicking. I know because I lived with suicidal ideations like Sharon for decades.I had a close friend, a professional like me, who also experienced suicidal ideations. She was the only person I had ever confessed to because I knew she was also in therapy. Neither of us ever discussed our ideations with our therapists.One of the reasons people live with suicide ideation is because they never have a safe place to talk about their thoughts without the world around them panicking.Eventually, through studying enlightenment, not mental health, I came to understand the desire for death in a different way. I did not want a physical death, but a metaphorical one. There were fears, scripts, and self-judgment in me that, indeed, needed to die. The more I let those demons die, the more I valued each breath I take.Most people don’t realize that they have a choice about what part of their life dies and what part they can bring to life. Life and death are not opposites ultimatums. There are plenty of pain bodies that we can allow to die.Unaddressed wounds will keep showing up, and they will always show up at the most inconvenient times. They will show up with the highest intensity when we have the least emotional resources.Unaddressed wounds will keep showing up, and they will always show up at the most inconvenient times.I bet that people have failed to offer Sharon space to speak her mind about her will to die. Few people are qualified, even professionals, to help sort through these emotions. Professionals have to protect themselves foremost, like I did, and make an immediate referral when the word “suicide” comes up.That doesn’t leave much space for

Options

actually hearing, much less healing the deep emotional wounds that require expression. But, I hear you, Sharon. Keep searching and talking and taking risks until the right listener shows up.<h1 id="b6f0">Carmen</h1>I have met too many Carmens in my life. She is living with enormous concern about the safety of her children. She is no longer in a relationship with her children’s father, but he has partial custody. Carmen knows that he is physically and emotionally abusive to the children.I have also known women who had evidence that the father was sexually abusing the children, but custody was still granted. The degree of proof that is required to protect children means that millions of children continue unhealthy relationships with abusive parents.Carmen has an even more significant challenge in dealing with an abusive parental partner in the time of COVID-19, where children require more safety. Yet, she cannot overrule the court. Indeed, her parenting must be nothing less than extraordinary to minimize trauma.The degree of proof that is required to protect children means that millions of children continue unhealthy relationships with abusive parents.Carmen cannot control the children’s father. But, she is not the first parent forced to navigate a dysfunctional partnering relationship. She must find support from the parents who have been there and done that successfully. Many have, both mothers and fathers.I have spoken to enough parents to know the importance of documentation. Document every single transaction, no matter how exhausting. That includes financial transactions, authorized and unauthorized visitations, and any breach of contracts. Write everything down and take photos when necessary.Talk about emotional exhaustion! A parent’s heart is weighty when children’s needs can’t be met. I can imagine Carmen’s stress magnified by everything COVID-related. Statistics have verified the increase of child abuse during this crisis. No parent wants to feel helpless.<h1 id="15f5">Living in a Time</h1>We can never be anywhere other than where we are. At some point during this year, most of us have imagined ourselves somewhere else. But here we are.How do we know that these are the experiences we are supposed to be having? Because we are having them. That’s the answer. COVID-19, social unrest, and personal upheavals are converging on our lives. We can greet them with resistance, or with an openness to grow.I know what you are thinking. “I don’t need to grow that damn much.” You may be right, but you also don’t get to choose. That’s the point. Not having any reaction is not an option, either. “No response,” is a response. Silence is a response. Inaction is a response. Playing possum is a response. Choosing ignorance is a response.“No response,” is a response. Silence is a response. Inaction is a response. Playing possum is a response. Choosing ignorance is a response.Your response may as well be conscious, thoughtful, and powerful. You can declare growth opportunities in any struggle. You get to whine, cry, and throw a pity party now and again. Then, you must rise up and shine. You don’t get to read “and lived happily ever after” until the end of the story.You are in the climax of your story, where you are the hero. The heaviness of the world cannot hold you down when you lighten your heart. Unburden yourself by seeking help, relaxing your mind, and finding your inner strength. You got this.As for me, I remain committed to making this world a better place. I have come through too much to do otherwise. I claim my life as an alchemist. I am a creator, not just a victim of something that has been created for me. Nevertheless, I will be happy when this alchemist can sleep well again.</article></body>

Go Ahead and Free Yourself

You can turn down the volume on the world to take care of you.

AdobeStock_15663790.jpeg (Paylessimages)

The current heaviness of the world is exacerbated for people who already live with a heavy heart or hard life circumstances. This week I’ve invited people to check in with me and let me know their most difficult challenges. For I know, I’m not the only one.

I’m Fine, Thank You

I can’t even tell people “Fine, thank you.” I haven’t felt that way for a while now. I’ve been in survival mode with a lot on my plate. Oh, I have no doubt that all will be well in the end. But this middle part requires all the resilience I had on reserve.

Most days, I’m OK once I get going. At the most honest level, I haven’t slept in months. I was already struggling with sleep due to the separation from my spouse. The monthly visits meant I would sleep well occasionally. But, I haven’t been able to visit him since February, and haven’t had a good night’s sleep since then.

The current social unrest is essential and globally disturbing. I am mentally spent. Some days I feel like I’m Rocky in round 15. I know I will get back up and win. But, I don’t want a fighting chance. I want a chance to stop fighting. I know in the depths of my heart that humans can create humane systems.

Gratitude does not fix the world

I’m not without gratitude. As a child, every Sunday school started with thanking God for life, health, and strength. I still have those and a little extra to be grateful for.

Gratitude can’t make COVID disappear, dismantle systemic racism, or make me sleep well at night. Intentionality is required. Something has to be fixed no matter how much gratitude you have for what is working.

Offering Space to Not Be OK

I invited people to submit their problems to me from my website. I just wanted to offer a safe space for people to let down their guard and acknowledge what is taking up negative space in their heads.

Survival mode lives up to its name. We keep breathing. But that doesn’t mean we are alive. Sometimes, people just need to exhale and acknowledge the baggage they are carrying. I wanted to create space for people to do that.

There is power in confession.

There is power in confession. Stating your struggle can help you find your strength when you are given permission to struggle. Admitting your fears can conjure up bravery. Too often, people require the “Fine, thank you” response to life instead of meeting people in their struggle.

People are struggling on many levels. The people who graciously shared with me this week had hearts much heavier than mine. I’m guessing that many readers will relate to their struggles. It’s OK to turn down the volume of the outside world and focus on yourself.

Rachel’s Job

One woman, I will refer to as Rachel, confessed her fears about her job search. Right, job searches are stressful in the best of times. You put on your best face to convince someone that you are not only the right person for the job but worth the money you want.

I could relate to Rachel’s hesitancy and concerns. Should she start her own business instead of job searching, she wondered? Relying solely on employment has resulted in a financial crisis for many in 2020. Who isn’t thinking of starting an online business these days? Yet, the rate of failure for small businesses is extremely high.

Relying solely on employment has resulted in a financial crisis for many in 2020.

Considering the odds of entrepreneur failure or employer rejection can yield emotional paralysis even for the most qualified professional like Rachel. She confessed to wanting help and being offered it. However, she hasn’t followed through on reaching out to those who have offered. She admitted a feeling of shame.

Everything on Rachel’s mind is undoubtedly reasonable. However, as a psychologist, my radar goes beyond the surface. I know that the feeling of shame is rarely about the current situation. We learn shame early, especially women. We learn that having needs is shameful, or at least the inability to need help meeting your needs.

Accomplished women often achieve with more struggles than help. When we’ve been trained to pride ourselves in the struggle, asking for help is difficult. Sometimes we choose to fail on our own rather than succeed with help from someone. No, Rachel, failure should not be an option when support is available.

When we’ve been trained to pride ourselves in the struggle, asking for help is difficult.

Rachel has to invest a little time into addressing the shame that prevents her from accepting help. When the outside world feels heavy, motivation for navigating the inner world is low. At the same time, addressing the inner world is the key to changing the outer world, at least in Rachel’s case.

Whether Rachel starts her own business or looks for employment, she will need help to get to the next level of the profession. She may also need professional help to address her shame so that it doesn’t get in the way of future endeavors.

Sharon

Sharon is an everyday woman who struggles with suicide ideation. She just wants to live without the will to die. Yes, of course, I referred her to the suicide prevention hotline. But, she did not express any risks of suicide.

One of the reasons people live with suicide ideation is because they never have a safe place to talk about their thoughts without the world around them panicking. I know because I lived with suicidal ideations like Sharon for decades.

I had a close friend, a professional like me, who also experienced suicidal ideations. She was the only person I had ever confessed to because I knew she was also in therapy. Neither of us ever discussed our ideations with our therapists.

One of the reasons people live with suicide ideation is because they never have a safe place to talk about their thoughts without the world around them panicking.

Eventually, through studying enlightenment, not mental health, I came to understand the desire for death in a different way. I did not want a physical death, but a metaphorical one. There were fears, scripts, and self-judgment in me that, indeed, needed to die. The more I let those demons die, the more I valued each breath I take.

Most people don’t realize that they have a choice about what part of their life dies and what part they can bring to life. Life and death are not opposites ultimatums. There are plenty of pain bodies that we can allow to die.

Unaddressed wounds will keep showing up, and they will always show up at the most inconvenient times. They will show up with the highest intensity when we have the least emotional resources.

Unaddressed wounds will keep showing up, and they will always show up at the most inconvenient times.

I bet that people have failed to offer Sharon space to speak her mind about her will to die. Few people are qualified, even professionals, to help sort through these emotions. Professionals have to protect themselves foremost, like I did, and make an immediate referral when the word “suicide” comes up.

That doesn’t leave much space for actually hearing, much less healing the deep emotional wounds that require expression. But, I hear you, Sharon. Keep searching and talking and taking risks until the right listener shows up.

Carmen

I have met too many Carmens in my life. She is living with enormous concern about the safety of her children. She is no longer in a relationship with her children’s father, but he has partial custody. Carmen knows that he is physically and emotionally abusive to the children.

I have also known women who had evidence that the father was sexually abusing the children, but custody was still granted. The degree of proof that is required to protect children means that millions of children continue unhealthy relationships with abusive parents.

Carmen has an even more significant challenge in dealing with an abusive parental partner in the time of COVID-19, where children require more safety. Yet, she cannot overrule the court. Indeed, her parenting must be nothing less than extraordinary to minimize trauma.

The degree of proof that is required to protect children means that millions of children continue unhealthy relationships with abusive parents.

Carmen cannot control the children’s father. But, she is not the first parent forced to navigate a dysfunctional partnering relationship. She must find support from the parents who have been there and done that successfully. Many have, both mothers and fathers.

I have spoken to enough parents to know the importance of documentation. Document every single transaction, no matter how exhausting. That includes financial transactions, authorized and unauthorized visitations, and any breach of contracts. Write everything down and take photos when necessary.

Talk about emotional exhaustion! A parent’s heart is weighty when children’s needs can’t be met. I can imagine Carmen’s stress magnified by everything COVID-related. Statistics have verified the increase of child abuse during this crisis. No parent wants to feel helpless.

Living in a Time

We can never be anywhere other than where we are. At some point during this year, most of us have imagined ourselves somewhere else. But here we are.

How do we know that these are the experiences we are supposed to be having? Because we are having them. That’s the answer. COVID-19, social unrest, and personal upheavals are converging on our lives. We can greet them with resistance, or with an openness to grow.

I know what you are thinking. “I don’t need to grow that damn much.” You may be right, but you also don’t get to choose. That’s the point. Not having any reaction is not an option, either. “No response,” is a response. Silence is a response. Inaction is a response. Playing possum is a response. Choosing ignorance is a response.

“No response,” is a response. Silence is a response. Inaction is a response. Playing possum is a response. Choosing ignorance is a response.

Your response may as well be conscious, thoughtful, and powerful. You can declare growth opportunities in any struggle. You get to whine, cry, and throw a pity party now and again. Then, you must rise up and shine. You don’t get to read “and lived happily ever after” until the end of the story.

You are in the climax of your story, where you are the hero. The heaviness of the world cannot hold you down when you lighten your heart. Unburden yourself by seeking help, relaxing your mind, and finding your inner strength. You got this.

As for me, I remain committed to making this world a better place. I have come through too much to do otherwise. I claim my life as an alchemist. I am a creator, not just a victim of something that has been created for me. Nevertheless, I will be happy when this alchemist can sleep well again.