HANNAH #18

Free to Be

What a glorious feeling

Alfred,

Everybody here — well, everyone except Ben — thanked me for prompting them to write their thoughts about the summer. It appears my family (Lucy included) really did click their heels three times and find new inner powers.

But before I share with you what I wrote, I want to thank you. Right now I am living in a world of gratitude, and it feels a bit unusual. I am sure it won’t last. Alfred, you introduced me to Coach, who probably changed my life. When I see Coach, I will thank him. I can still hear his closing words: “Lucy, the clock cannot always be your master.” I didn’t understand those words then, but I do now. Your words helped too about the need to keep my mind open. I soaked up a lot of new experiences.

I actually now understand Coach’s words, which factors into my gratitude towards my family. I hope that the math nerd in you likes my use of “factor.”

So here is what I wrote for my family in Terre Haute:

Dear family,

First, I need to say,

“Lucy, you are now officially part of my family.”

I decided this when I let you put that purple streak in my hair — a streak that has me glancing at myself when I pass any mirror. I’ve never felt so vain or curious about my looks. Thank you… I think?

Now for the part where I tell you what I have learned:

I have discovered this summer that I can live a life where the clock is not always my master. If you step inside Hannah’s shoes, you will find yourself thinking about your lists. You will ask yourself,

“Will I get everything done? Will I do it well? And can I still keep a watchful eye on Ben?”

Ben, I now know you don’t need me watching you, but I didn’t know that before, and anyway, old habits die hard.

I wonder when I will get to exercise my creative muscle. Last year, it was Popposites. This year it might be The Spirit of Discovery. Giving new ideas shape takes time and energy. I learned that it also takes the freedom to just be. I didn’t know that last year, and Alfred had to pull me aside and talk to me. Apparently, I was barking at people for no good reason. I think I was placing too much pressure on myself or on my ideas.

After Alfred talked to me, I visited Coach. Coach is Alfred’s guru who helped him build friendships and still be Alfred. Because you don’t know Alfred, I will explain. Alfred is a nerdy quant-jock who is always eating these chocolate cookies — “Soho globs,” he calls them — and looking for someone to play chess with. Alfred is bright and giving, and awkward, and now he’s a dog owner, which makes him happy.

Anyway, Coach is about as awesome as you can get, and we met before I headed out. Two things that Coach said have really stuck — one of which I will share. Coach told me that the clock cannot always be my master (dad, I bolded my most important sentence too). I need to allow myself time to just be. “Enjoy the experience of living,” Coach advised.

“No lists?” I asked Coach.

“Why don’t you see if you can hold back list-making for the summer. If you can’t, then opt for fewer and shorter lists.”

So those were my marching orders.

No offense, but this is a sleepy town, so if you were going to practice “just being,” this would be the place.

I learned how nice it is to relax. I got to learn tennis, which I am not good at yet, though it’s on my list when lists are back in my life. The pleasure of heading to the court, chatting with Ben about whatever, coming home, maybe playing Backgammon was EYE-OPENING — as was our family game of Twister, which Ben is still trying to erase from his memory.

I felt free, and I felt happy, and I know that it actually wasn’t Terre Haute that gave it to me. It was you. Coach may have planted the seed, but you watered it.

Now comes my individual thank-yous.

To Dad

Dad, you challenged me in some uncomfortable but healthy ways. There were times that I wondered why the heck I agreed to come here. But then I saw how, over time, you always make things right. It might be with a hug or just a few words, but you leave us feeling whole. And you do this at your speed which is not lightning, but very thoughtful. The clock is definitely not your master.

You always tell me how much you learn from me, but I think it’s the other way around. I might introduce a new word into our conversation, but you introduce a new attitude. Using a metaphor, with you, the sun always comes up. Using a simile, you are like the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow after it has stormed.

To Lucy

Lucy, I don’t know where to start, but I think I’ll begin with how you helped me challenge my assumptions. I assumed you were mean and not interested in Ben and me. I assumed that someone who spends their day cutting hair doesn’t think that much. I assumed you were an attractive but otherwise average person who was lucky to find my dad.

I was wrong on all those counts and more. My dad is extremely lucky to have you in his life. You are as honest and clear-thinking as they come. You bring a fresh and curious mind to everything. When we read To Kill a Mockingbird, I saw the book in a different light — and it was my fourth reading!

Not only have you opened my mind about bad assumptions that I made, but you opened the door for me to live a life unleashed. When I see that purple streak, I remind myself that I don’t have to paint within the lines. I can paint whatever and wherever I want.

Thank you for teaching me what no one else has, and just so you know, you’re not done.

To Ben

Now comes the hardest part — Ben:

Ben, you are so different from me, but I understand now that it’s a blessing. If I am the person rushing home to do my homework, you are the person finding time to relax because you know you’ll get to it. You have confidence, and you take care of yourself. You are healthy in a way that I need to be.

I love that you challenge me, and I love that you make me laugh. Without you, the summer would have probably stayed a drab color of gray. With you, I got to know dad and Lucy and even start to build a tennis game. You showed me what it means to “just be.”

It helps that you are so smart, though I am not sure you know that.

Ben: Sorry to interrupt, but I do know that.

Everyone chuckled, and then I continued.

Well, I’m glad you know that because you should. Then I’ll give you credit for not lording that over us.

Ben: I won’t once I learn what “lording” means, and I will save you from saying your usual. “Look it up. Your dictionary is your best friend.”

This made me tear up. Ben really does know me and can sound like me at a moment’s notice. I finished up with,

“Dad, you taught me that decency and character can happen slowly. Lucy, you taught me that I can run as free and fast and fearlessly as I want. And Ben, you are the person who shows me what it’s like to be comfortable with who you are.”

Alfred,

There will be a few more moments to share about my summer, but some of them haven’t happened yet. I can now say that the Terre Haute experience was a gift that I let happen, courtesy of you and Coach.

Thank you! And we’re on to The Spirit of Discovery (or whatever we decide to title it)

This is part of a series, “Hannah’s Journey to be Happy.” The last piece is listed below: