Freak, Fraud, Failure & Fear

Confronting late-life transition insecurities

As I continue to ponder my drive to transition from male to female, I realize that I can simplify my issues with my 4Fs: Freak, Fraud, Fear and Failure.

Freak

Women exist in a culture of beauty. Their world is saturated with it. It can be cruel and filled with self-criticism. Born male, I live in fear of entering that arena with the pre-existing sense of massive insecurity and doubt that being transgender already produces. The demand of beauty pours gasoline on a bonfire of doubt.

Like many late-life transitioners, my body went through male puberty and a lifetime of testosterone. Attempting to achieve even a moderate amount of success passing is a monumental task. We are all afraid of being labeled a “freak”, both in our own mirrors and in public. Laverne Cox said in an interview that in her early days of transition, people would laugh at her when she entered a subway train car. It takes an immense amount of personal strength to survive.

Some don’t.

They either surrender to their biological gender presentation or they commit suicide. Both are brutal choices. I truly wish we and our world was more accepting.

Fraud

The mirror can be very cruel. I am as cruel as society. I may feel the beating heart of my female soul but the image I see in the mirror is total male. Occasionally, I see “me” in my eyes or in my smile but it fades with the reality in the mirror.

It makes me feel like a fraud.

How can I expect others to see me as female when I don’t see it myself? We live in a very visual world where so much is judged by how we look. It is a monumental challenge to truly not judge the book by its cover particularly when you are the author.

Failure

As a late-life transitioner I feel like I have failed my family because I could not continue to suppress the need to transition. I was raised male. I was taught to suck it up. I was taught to protect my family and to die for them if necessary. A little dramatic but, at the core, true. I have failed them. By transition (funny, even now I am still fighting transitioning) I have failed to protect them from the insecurity that transitioning creates. I am transitioning from a husband and father to what? Most of society rejects anyone who is transgender. Transgender individuals are societal outcasts and by extension so are the members of our families. How do they defend themselves from the inevitable public challenge? Why should they be exposed to the predictable ridicule for my “failing”. My failure brings with it a deep sense of guilt for me and shame for them.

Fear

Fear is the biggest “F”. It feeds every doubt and every weakness. It invades every moment of the day. It draws strength from every dark corner of your soul and destroys any attempt of confidence and certainty.

It can be the annihilator of dreams if you let it.

These are my 4 Fs. I run through them regularly and they do battle with my deep sense of gender. The fact that I haven’t stopped my transition (to what, is still a question) is a testament to the strength of gender dysphoria and, possibly, to my sense of knowing that this is my path.

I need to stop looking over the side of the trail to jagged rock below as I journey forward.

I am scared enough already.

Emma Holiday

Writers note: If you have read any of my writings on Medium you will have noticed a definite theme: the incredible pain of gender dysphoria and all the difficult aspects of just being transgender.

My writing has three specific goals:

1. Writing is my therapy. I have a very limited outlet for my thoughts so I write to find a way to process the most profound experience in my life. I need to understand and I need to accept myself to move forward.

2. Being transgender, for me, is a very lonely existence and if I can share some of the things that I feel and think as I go through the process of transitioning with others who are transgender and, in some way, lessen their pain and sense of loneliness, then all of this public exposure of my personal thoughts is not a waste.

3. I write to help cisgender people understand that all trans people want is to be simply understood, accepted and treated as a normal person. We are.

Thank you for reading my work.

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