Four Unusual Things You Are Doing To Destroy Your Self-Confidence

And how to fix it

People will tell you a lot of tricks to build your confidence. These tricks and techniques might make you appear confident, but it doesn’t resolve the underlying problem in the long run.

It’s like watering the leaves rather than the root. The plant may look green for a while, but it’s dying of thirst.

If you are not addressing the root cause of your lack of confidence, you will never honestly know what confidence feels like because treating the symptom is different from treating the disease.

“Because one believes in oneself, one doesn’t try to convince others. Because one is content with oneself, one doesn’t need others’ approval. Because one accepts oneself, the whole world accepts him or her.” ― Lao Tzu

Here are four things you’re doing that are destroying your self-confidence, and what you should do instead:

First Thing

Let’s suppose you and your friend Mark made a commitment to go to the gym every day starting tomorrow. The next day, you call him and he makes an excuse that he won’t be able to come. This pattern continues for a week, and you lose trust in him.

You keep trying on and off to convince him for several days. He started ditching your calls and made excuses when he picked up.

After two months of continuous excuses and persistent phone calls, you have lost complete faith in Mark’s ability to fulfill his commitment. You have stopped asking him because you know he won’t come.

Slowly, you begin to despise him. You have forgotten every good thing he has ever done. Mark’s only identity left in your mind is that he is a lazy procrastinator and a liar, and you would never trust him about anything he ever says.

Basically, Mark is no longer the person you thought he was.

Now, tell me how many times have you promised yourself that starting tomorrow you would get up early, wouldn’t eat junk food, and would start exercising? The list is long.

Your subconscious received those messages for years, but there was no harmony between your actions and your words and hence you lost credibility in your own eyes, just like Mark.

Your subconscious won’t believe anything you say. It believes that you are a loser, unable to accomplish anything, and unable to fulfill promises.

Now, every time you try to make a new commitment, your belief system subconsciously tells you that you can’t because you have a history of empty promises and false statements.

When your mind keeps telling you that you are a loser and society confirms it, your ultimate identity changes to a loser.

What to do?

Small wins in life are going to help you restore your belief that you are not someone who doesn’t finish what they started. Your mind will receive positive feedback every time you decide and actually accomplish something.

You finish a book, exercise 4–5 times a week, and start getting up early. You’re keeping the promises you made to yourself and the previously established identity begins to fade.

Your identity changes from a loser to a winner, and that’s how you build your core confidence. A confidence that has deep roots will flourish better than one with hollow ones.

Second Thing

Once you start living in harmony with your commitments and actions, the next thing you need to do is to stop the negative self-talk about your past failures.

Letting your past mistakes spread negativity to your mind is a confirmed method of hampering progress in the present. Remember, no one was born with a manual on how to live.

We all have to learn it along the way and constantly beating yourself for the past diminishes your self-worth. It undermines your self-confidence to the point where you believe you can't do anything right.

What to do?

Focus on your achievements of past and present, no matter how small or big. There was a time in life when you did something out of the ordinary. We all have those stories. Even if you don’t, it’s the best time to build one.

As the Chinese proverb states, “The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The second best time is now.”

Write down every instance when you think you did something good. It could be anything from a long stretch of studying to helping a friend or a stranger, or it could be waking up early for a month or more.

If we look closely, we can find small positive feedback for our minds throughout the day, and that could help build confidence.

Third Thing

Lack of self-care also hampers confidence. If you don’t value yourself, then who will?

Self-care involves taking care of your mental and physical health in any way possible and it’s a decisive step toward building confidence. I cannot stress its significance strongly enough.

You may be aware of the feeling that happens after a good workout. It is positive feedback towards yourself that you are important, and your health is important.

Feeling important in your own eyes is crucial to build confidence. If you feel unimportant, your subconscious will never take you and your commitments seriously.

What to do?

Just take care of your mind and body. Focus on positives rather than negatives and always stay away from toxic people who are constantly trying to bring you down.

Fourth Thing

Fear of failure also keeps you from building confidence.

Some people think that failure will shatter their confidence, but it isn’t completely true. Initially, it may seem like it, but not taking action is the real confidence killer.

Failure may increase your confidence if you are not chasing perfection. If your goal is to learn and experiment, it will only help you grow.

“To overcome fear is the quickest way to gain your self-confidence.”―Roy T. Bennett

What to do?

Focus on the next step, not the results.

Let's say you have a desire to write, but you hold back because you believe you are not capable. Over time, this belief becomes ingrained in your mind, making it even harder for you to write.

However, what if you set a goal to write 100 articles as an experiment and to figure out if you can write? This shift in mindset can help you break through your self-imposed limitations and achieve your writing goals.

Your goal must not be perfection while writing your 100 articles. Even if you don't achieve much, you will gain confidence in your ability to write, your ability to finish what you started, and faith in your capability to accomplish anything you set your mind to.

Takeaway

To summarize

• Small wins in life are crucial for restoring self-belief and rebuilding core confidence.
• Avoid negative self-talk about past failures, and instead, focus on past and present achievements to create a positive feedback loop for your mind.
• Self-care, both mentally and physically, is essential for building confidence and feeling important in your own eyes.
• Embrace failure as a part of the learning process and shift your goal from perfection to experimentation to boost your confidence and faith in your capabilities.

I know it’s not easy, but remember:

“Life is tough, but so are you.” — Carmi Grau, Super Nice Letters

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