Four Naughty Massages

Three are compliments of a cheating husband.

Swedish, Hot Stone and Aromatherapy are all massages that most people are familiar with. But what about the massages in rub and tugs, escorts posing as masseuses, or at special massage parlors in Vegas?

At dinner with a friend, she casually mentioned that her husband had been using escort services for 15- years of their 24-year marriage. After I stopped choking on the piece of chicken now lodged in the back of my throat, we reviewed one of the several naughty websites, and so began my 50-question game.

Driving home, I realized my shock was not because this loving family man cheated on his gorgeous wife, who was still putting out on the regular. Cheating happens.

To be clear, I'm no prude. My shock came reading about the equipment and various sexual massages these women use, not to mention the cost charged by the more elite women. Oh, and looking at some of the masseuse websites was the equivalent of looking at the pictures in Hustler magazine. In all fairness, yes, there are male escorts posing as a masseuse, but the percentage of female escorts posing as a masseuse in the business is higher.

The equipment

What every good masseuse needs is a solid massage table.

These sensual massages require a more complex table than you will get at your local masseuse. The sensual massage table used is referred to as a Milking table. No cows allowed. Think massage table but with a removable disc or extra hole in the middle of the table. What's the glory hole for? Think eggplant. Most tables are adjustable and come with leather bondage padded cuffs for arms and legs. I'm going to let you imagine why those are a necessity.

What do you do with this eye sore when it's not in use? Have kids or visiting parents? You can fold it up, place it in a closet, or disguise it with a tablecloth and picture frames. Milking tables on Amazon: Yes, you can really get anything from Amazon, ranging in cost between $400 and $900. If you want to order from a small business, try Etsy. A solid Milking table I researched comes in sizes ranging from standard cost $410 to double-wide for $620.

When I was looking up different tables and watching a video or two for research, of course, I couldn't help but wonder how the hell a woman comfortably fits under there. The thought of performing fellatio or penial stimulation from under the table like the family golden retriever begging for scraps puts a crick in my neck.

Four massages

1. Lingam massage- A tantric massage that originated in India. This massage mainly focuses on massaging around the penis and testicles. The goal of the massage is not to achieve an orgasm; it's a spiritual experience. Let's be honest, though: when you pay a woman in lingerie upwards of $300 for 30 minutes to an hour, you want to get your money's worth. A plus for men is that penile stimulation can help with erectile dysfunction and increase their libido.

2. Nuru massage- This massage originated in Japan, and the word nuru means slippery. Think naked Twister! It is a body-to-body massage method where both participants are covered in nuru gel, which produces a slippery experience. The masseuse glides her naked body over the client while applying different pressure points with her gelled-up body. Whether or not the act of sex occurs is again up to the two parties involved. Typically, a nice shower occurs afterward. The price, of course, varies, but my friend's husband was prepared to pay $200 for 30 minutes and $110 for the gel.

3. Four hands massage-Includes sensual touch and other intimate activities providing pleasure and stimulation by two masseuses. The client is completely naked on the Milking table, and the masseuse's clothing is optional. Back in the day, this was what we called a three-some. The four hands work in synchrony, releasing tension on the body. The client has the option to add nuru gel for an extra fee. The cost of this experience is around $300 for 30 minutes. If two heads are better than one, then four hands must be the holy grail of massages.

4. Shout out to women. Yoni massage is a sensual massage for women that originated in India. The word yoni means womb or sacred cave. Like a Lingam massage, yoni is a tantric massage for women. First, there is a full body massage accompanied by breathwork. Eventually, the masseuse manipulates pressure points on the outer area of the vagina and clitoris. With permission, however, fingers can enter the vagina. This massage tends to be upwards of $300 for an hour. Imagine candles, soft music, meditation, and a woman for your masseuse. The purpose of this massage seems to be less get your freak on and more spiritual, putting women in touch with their sexual spirit.

I reviewed pictures of young, half-naked women saying, "I give professional massage." Professional? I never had a massage from someone, male or female, in a thong. Further, most legitimate masseuses don't have eggplants and shower emojis in their description of their massages.

Of course, tantric or other spiritual massages performed by licensed clothed massage therapists don't end with a happy ending, but that is not the case here. Tantric massages performed by reputable professionals trying to take you to the next spiritual level are beautiful. Beware, though, if you see an eggplant or shower emoji in the massage description; that might not be the massage for you. Or maybe it is. This is a judgment-free zone.