Four Huge Mistakes Keeping You From the Life You Want

Just one of these errors could make you miserable, but I’m almost positive you’re making more.

You don’t know what’s wrong. But you know something isn’t right. This isn’t the life you’ve imagined. And you’re disappointed, tired, and unhappy.

Your life on a grading scale?

A big fat “C.” Average. Okay.

Your relationship is okay. Your job is okay. Your life is okay. But you want more than that, right? And if you’re honest with yourself, you need more than that.

And part of you wonders if the universe has simply decided to wage war against you. But the real truth is you’re waging war against yourself.

You’re making decisions that derail your success. Thinking thoughts that poison your self-concept. And choosing to avoid paths that could possibly bring you the joy you’re craving.

And you’re doing this because you’re scared, timid, or “settled.”

So, how do you break the cycle?

You investigate your actions. You play detective.

Because it’s your job to solve the mystery and find the culprits dragging you down.

And I’ve got four suspects I think you need to look at.

Having an all or nothing attitude

Often as a writer, I look at my articles in one of two ways. They’re either a complete success or complete trash.

And this all-or-nothing thinking is faulty. As a matter of fact, psychologists call it a cognitive distortion.

It means you’re not seeing reality. And if you can’t see things realistically, you’ll never reach the happiness and success you dream of.

For example, let’s say you screwed up at work. Are you a complete failure?

No, you’re a human who makes mistakes.

Now, are you a rock star for forgetting the meeting and showing up thirty minutes late?

That’s a no, too.

The reality is that there’s a lot of gray between being the best and being the worst, between living your best life and living a nightmare.

And this is where you need to gain perspective.

For instance, if you made it through two meals on your diet and binged at nine in the evening, it doesn’t mean you’re not disciplined enough to lose the weight. For example, you made it two-thirds of the day being strong, and that’s fantastic. But (sorry) you gave in, and that means you need to focus your energy on how to tame the nighttime munchies.

In short, if you think only see yourself and your life in shades of black and white, you’ll never be able to celebrate your successes or fix the things in your life that need repair.

So what does that leave you?

Pretty darn unhappy.

So embrace that gray we talked about earlier. Honor your humanity.

Realize you are both strong and weak, skilled and ignorant, and successful and unsuccessful at the same time.

However, realize that you can also make changes to be stronger, more skilled, and more successful.

And when you begin to see this reality, I promise there’ll be a lot more joy and forward movement in your life.

Mask-wearing

Lady Gaga says:

“Don’t you ever let a soul in the world tell you that you can’t be exactly who you are.”

Hear me.

You are here for a purpose. To live and laugh. To teach and learn. To give love and receive it.

And you can’t serve that purpose or get the joy you’re entitled to by pretending to be perfect. Or invincible. Or invulnerable.

So be you. Unfiltered.

For example, if people don’t like the tattoos that tell your life story, don’t you dare cover them up. They’re a part of you.

If your lover ignores you or mistreats you, don’t you dare pretend that everything’s fine. You deserve better.

If someone thinks your faith is foolish, don’t you dare pretend it doesn’t matter. Instead, quote a Bible verse back to them if you’re really feeling daring.

If someone tells you you’re overly emotional, don’t you dare take their words to heart. You feel deeply, and that’s something we need more of.

The truth is your tribe, your soulmate, and your family is out there, and they’re going to love you as you are. So go find them.

Oh, and just in case you’re wondering, people can spot a fake a mile away.

So there’s that.

Playing the victim

Something went wrong, or someone did you wrong.

Maybe your best-laid plans fell apart. Maybe the people you believed in betrayed you. Or maybe you’re just tired of working your fingers to the bone and getting nothing in return.

And you’re devastated and confused.

And in these moments when your emotions run high, the easiest way to numb the pain is to curse the universe. To get angry at every person who was near the scene of the crash.

But the truth is, shit happens, and name-calling and pouting are doing nothing to clean up the mess.

The most important way to keep moving forward during these times is to do two things: accept the present and be determined to change the future.

For example, perhaps it was your mistakes that made things fall apart. Yep, you did this to you, and it sucks big time. But what’s done is done, and the only way to make positive change is to determine where you went wrong and not make those same mistakes.

Want another example?

Maybe it was a friend, co-worker, or lover that caused your world to switch to “mourning mode.”

Are you powerful enough to change them? Probably not.

But you are powerful enough to change your relationship with them. For instance, you can change what you will and will not tolerate from them. You can make the decision to stand up for yourself and let them know your feelings, or, if it’s time, you can make a choice to say goodbye.

The bottom line is you can choose how to react when life slaps you in the face.

Hear me again.

You. Can. Choose.

Oh, and by the way, sitting there fuming is a choice. It’s a choice to not spend the present doing things to make your world better.

Refusing to let go

Huffpost explains why letting go of situations or people that exhaust you is hard but sometimes necessary. They state:

“There is so much to be achieved in the short span of our lives, there are so many opportunities we can avail according to our individual capabilities, and this is not possible if we remain paralyzed by all those things we are supposed to let go-Sometimes there are things in our lives that aren’t meant to stay. Sometimes the changes we don’t want are the changes we need, to flourish and grow.”

All we know is the past. That’s why we cling so tightly to it.

We cling to memories of mistakes we’ve made and to relationships that are dead. We cling to jobs we’ve hated for years and dreams we’re not even sure we want anymore.

But what if we, what if you decided to let go of the people and things that aren’t making you happy?

I won’t lie to you. It’s a risk to let go. And it’s something that shouldn’t be done lightly.

But, I think when it’s truly time to move on, you know it deep inside. Because those “what-ifs” about life on the other side won’t leave you alone.

For example, do you find yourself thinking, “What would it be like if I found a job I enjoyed coming to every day?” “What would it be like to be in a relationship that wasn’t like walking through a field of landmines every day? “ “What would it be like if I just untangled myself from all the demons, insecurities, and expectations that I have for myself?”

And as I said before, it’s not wise to say goodbye to certain things or people without deep thought, so take the time to understand the reasons for what you’re feeling. It might also be helpful to make a list of what you stand to lose and what you stand to gain by making a decision to let go.

If you do this, and you decide you’ll never be fulfilled if you keep living the way you are, maybe it’s time to jump ship.

And if you jump ship, even if it’s the right to do, you’re going to flounder a bit, get water in your nose, and have to battle a few gnarly waves.

But in the end, there’s a whole new life waiting for you when you reach shore, one that could make you feel like you’re finally where you’re meant to be.

One of my favorite poems is by Anais Nin. It’s entitled “Risk,” and it’s one anyone who’s pondering letting go should read. It states:

“And then the day came when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”

If that day has come for you, if you’re more scared of staying than you are of leaving, then there’s your answer about what you should do.

Free yourself.

The bottom line:

Author Elizabeth Gilbert states:

“Happiness is the consequence of personal effort. You fight for it, strive for it, insist upon it, and sometimes even travel around the world looking for it. You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestations of your own blessings.”

Long story short?

Happiness doesn’t find you. You find it.

And how do you do that exactly?

By realizing your worth and your power. By being unapologetically you and by doing so even if it means saying goodbye.

And yes, it’s hard work. But guess what?

You’re worth it.

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