Fork In The Road

Looking at my life from the outside in.

I always seem to find myself with two paths and two choices to make. With each meeting of the fork in the road, the heaviness of the decision gains more weight. Though the choice to make is quite simple.

Probably.

Do I make it harder than it needs to be? Yes, quite often, only adding to the heavy weight of my world I carry on my fragile shoulders.

The more I uncover about myself, the more I learn more about my shadow aspects, the parts of me that I keep hidden from the world, defensive if anyone should come close. Cracks in the walls I built around myself, high enough so no one can look down on me.

I want to go back to when I was not awake. When I lived a life in denial and had no awareness of myself or who I was. Travel through life, ignoring the shadow parts of me that do not dare to come into the light.

I read about cosmic teachings and soul blueprints to learn more about the body, mind, and the soul. One day in hopes, it will break open my heart, and all the knowingness will unravel in the perfect way.

There is no perfect way, with an awareness I know deep within that everything I have done and is doing is leading me here to this fork in the road.

I seek the walls inside my home to hide away from the world. I kid myself that I am hiding from myself too. But that is not true, you can not hide from yourself. You may think you do for a moment, but the soul knows it is not hiding. But meet itself head-on, no two-way mirror, just your reflection.

I struggle as the black sheep in the family, the one that is to set the example for the rest of the unconscious family members. Generations of conditioning to unpack. Our greatest challenge and our highest achievement if we succeed, if we go the path less travelled to find enlightening and fulfillment.

Or will it be just as a lonely path as what I perceive it to be? Will it be a reality that I create or one that I will destroy because I was too stubborn to get out of my way?

The same stubbornness that does not let me give up. Admittedly, I feel like walking away.

I look back on the last few years, and I want to travel back to that time. To adjust timelines, re-write history and create a different future. I am no Michael J Fox, and there is no Marty and Doc. And I can not travel back in time.

I have been down so many rabbit holes, with each one taking me down its path. No Alice in wonderland, looking through the looking glass. It is cracked and broken.

Desire to fix what I have broken. To redo those mistakes which ended up becoming valuable lessons. I hang onto my doubts as if they are pegs attached to washing hung on the clothesline. My fears hung out to dry too.

I am heavy with guilt and shame, sadness sits in my eyes, and I shed tears to release the pain, hoping it transmutes my shadow fragments into the light. My muffled heartbeats are barely audible, checking to see if I am still alive and asking if I dare to keep moving forward.

My life is driven by logic. Sometimes rigid and straightforward. I seek to bend the rules, except when it comes to softening my own heart, I feel emotions the vulnerability delicate to express outwardly, yet I write them now, a contradiction I know.

Logicality overtakes and overconsumes my consciousness. At times no sense of balance, just a spectrum of extremes, my swaying pendulum of a life I am living to the life I desire to live.

The fork in the road lies up ahead. Will it be a path that is easy to follow, or will it be a passage formed with courage, one that I thrive?

We cant always know the right decision to make. Sometimes we make a choice with a lot of emotion, or we remove the emotion all together.

Will we look through rose coloured glasses to soften the heartbreak if we don`t get it right? Or can we take the glasses off and see it for what it is?

Perfect in the moment, neither right or wrong. Therefore, unloading the weight of the decision. Becoming a preference, to choose to decide with an outcome that brings peace and calmness to your soul.