Personal Reflection | We Are All Flawed

Forgiving Myself For Being Unforgiving

GiaB ‘Dear Genie’ prompt #2: forgiveness

I wish I could unknow what I know. That way I wouldn’t be so torn as to who and what I should forgive. I’ve been struggling with this for some time. It cuts through to who I am as a professional service provider working in education, and keeps going, drilling right down into the core of who I am as a human being — whatever that means.

Maybe the best way of explaining myself is to give you some examples of the forgiveness dilemmas I face. I’ll use the term ‘educator’ to refer to those in the role of teaching or assisting a legal minor in the acquisition of goal-oriented skills, be they cognitive, motor, perceptual, behavioural, social, communicative, or academic.

When it comes to the issue of forgiveness -

• I can forgive an educator for being frustrated with a child, but I can’t forgive them for habitually humiliating the child in front of their peers.
• I can forgive an educator for being prejudiced, but I can’t forgive them for believing that it’s okay to act out those prejudices on a child in their care.
• I can forgive an educator for being preoccupied with their own personal affairs, but I can’t forgive them for making that an excuse for reneging on their obligations and responsibilities to the child.
• I can forgive the educator for being incompetent, but I can’t forgive them for letting that incompetence obstruct the efforts of others to support a child or a family in need.
• I can forgive educators in leadership for protecting their own job security, but I can’t forgive them for placing that ahead of others’ rights to a safe workplace and learning space.

I could go on but I’m sure you have the gist of where I’m coming from. Don’t get me wrong. The majority of educators I’ve worked with do a wonderful job with the limited resources and the time pressures imposed on them. I have little doubt that if given the opportunity to have their say, many of them would admit to having the same or similar ‘to forgive or not to forgive’ dilemmas that I have listed above.

A wrong is still a wrong. We’re all flawed.

Knowing that others are ‘in the same boat’, however, doesn’t make it any easier to accept. A wrong is still a wrong. An even number of people in the boat might balance the boat but it won’t set things right.

I ask myself questions like –

Do I expect too much of people? They are, after all, fellow human beings and we’re constantly reminded that we’re all flawed. But when it comes to the care and nurture of children, especially other people’s children, how much room is there for flaws? Remunerating people who have professional qualifications in the care and nurture of children does not cancel out their human flaws, yet we have expectations that these people should somehow ride above their flaws. Is that even possible? Does seeking justice for the wrongs done by flawed people against other people’s children serve any purpose beyond lining the lawyers’ pockets? Just as flaws cannot be paid out, forgiveness cannot be bought.

And what does this say about me?

Am I so flawed that I cannot forgive? What is it that makes me so unforgiving? Does my moral compass need resetting?

In trying to find answers to these questions, I came across Teresa Colón’s excellent article, Walking the Bridges Between Justice, Grace and Forgiveness. In it, she says, ‘forgiveness is ultimately not about grace or justice. It’s a mental health issue.’ She goes on to explain –

…forgiving someone has nothing to do with them: it’s about managing our emotional experiences. It’s not about consequences and punishment, but releasing emotions that hold us back.

I found that incredibly freeing. It brought me to a place where I can forgive myself for being unforgiving. That there is nothing inherently wrong with the settings on my moral compass. That wrongs are still wrongs and they’ll remain wrong even when they no longer have an emotional hold on me.

Here is Teresa’s article if you want to read it in full —

Thank you to Shaheena Chowdhury and the rest of the editorial team at Genius in a Bottle for the second of their ‘Dear Genie’ prompts, forgiveness. You can learn more about the prompt here -

Here also, is Shaheena’s response to the prompt, a pointedly poignant poem, Will You Forgive Us -

I realise that time is running out for this prompt but it’s an important topic that warrants some deep reflection. I would, therefore, like to invite these deep thinkers to share their insights on the topic of forgiveness — Chloe Paulina Hawes | Jenine Bsharah Baines | Imad | John O'Neill | Grey Hen With A Pen

Thank you for reading. I forgive you if you choose not to clap, highlight or comment. ☺️ 💛 🙏 💕