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Abstract

im. You can’t yourself, he says.He told me I have to forgive myself, so I stop hurting him.I don’t want to hurt him anymore than I have, so I came up with a plan.Calm is a practice. So if guard, forgiveness can also be something you practise.I started writing a negative thought. My shame, self-hatred at the time continued feelings for my affair partner, how I hurt the kids. I chose one topic and wrote a few sentences on how I berate myself.Then I wrote a page, at least forgiving myself. I talked to myself as I would a friend who had the same struggle. I used empathy skills I learned as a gentle parent on myself. And I gave myself understanding and space for my reasons for acting as I did.The relief was immediate. Wonderfully freeing.As I started this practice, I also read Self-Compassion by Kristen Neff. The book outlines many benefits of compassion toward yourself. And it gives simple instructions for kindness.First, talk to yourself kindly. This was the core of my practice. Understanding and gentleness.Second, accept the human condition. I made mistakes. I had a history, life experiences, mental illnesses, that informed who I am and

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my choices. My reasons for my actions have validity.Third, mindfulness. Be here now and accept your pain. I spend so much of my time in the past or the future, or judging myself and others. While I deny my hurting condition. Neff offers the equation: Suffering = Pain x Resistance. If I accept my current condition, I find relief.Many people worry that self-compassion means you do not take responsibility.Neff answers this. If you can be gentle with yourself, the lessened pain means you take more responsibility. By accepting the pain and giving myself loving kindness, it’s far easier to say to my husband “yes, I had an affair. Yes, I turned toward someone else, and that was so very hurtful to me. I can’t believe I did that. I am so sorry.”We don’t need to berate ourselves to take responsibility for our actions or motivate ourselves to take action.We need the opposite. Now more than ever in our world.Want to read about where the affair started? <a href="https://readmedium.com/how-i-completely-fucked-up-my-marriage-9b7238fc5a7c?source=your_stories_page-------------------------------------">https://readmedium.com/how-i-completely-fucked-up-my-marriage-9b7238fc5a7c</a></article></body>

Extramarital Affair

Forgiving Myself After the Affair

I had to learn self compassion

I hate myself.

Daily I berate myself, call myself mean names and swim in shame so deep it could drown me.

Eight months ago, I admitted to my spouse a three year emotional online sexual affair.

That’s a sanitised version. My spouse confronted me, forced to confess, nearly lost everything, lied, continued the affair for two more months and struggled with full disclosure for three more.

Shame is my constant friend.

I completed fuck up my marriage and my life. I betrayed my husband, hurt my kids, and myself.

When I want to be sure my spouse knows I am remorseful, I beat myself up. Even though my husband is hurting, my self-flagellation is hard for him to witness. To him, it turns my anger toward him. You can’t yourself, he says.

He told me I have to forgive myself, so I stop hurting him.

I don’t want to hurt him anymore than I have, so I came up with a plan.

Calm is a practice. So if guard, forgiveness can also be something you practise.

I started writing a negative thought. My shame, self-hatred at the time continued feelings for my affair partner, how I hurt the kids. I chose one topic and wrote a few sentences on how I berate myself.

Then I wrote a page, at least forgiving myself. I talked to myself as I would a friend who had the same struggle. I used empathy skills I learned as a gentle parent on myself. And I gave myself understanding and space for my reasons for acting as I did.

The relief was immediate. Wonderfully freeing.

As I started this practice, I also read Self-Compassion by Kristen Neff. The book outlines many benefits of compassion toward yourself. And it gives simple instructions for kindness.

First, talk to yourself kindly. This was the core of my practice. Understanding and gentleness.

Second, accept the human condition. I made mistakes. I had a history, life experiences, mental illnesses, that informed who I am and my choices. My reasons for my actions have validity.

Third, mindfulness. Be here now and accept your pain. I spend so much of my time in the past or the future, or judging myself and others. While I deny my hurting condition. Neff offers the equation: Suffering = Pain x Resistance. If I accept my current condition, I find relief.

Many people worry that self-compassion means you do not take responsibility.

Neff answers this. If you can be gentle with yourself, the lessened pain means you take more responsibility. By accepting the pain and giving myself loving kindness, it’s far easier to say to my husband “yes, I had an affair. Yes, I turned toward someone else, and that was so very hurtful to me. I can’t believe I did that. I am so sorry.”

We don’t need to berate ourselves to take responsibility for our actions or motivate ourselves to take action.

We need the opposite. Now more than ever in our world.

Want to read about where the affair started? https://readmedium.com/how-i-completely-fucked-up-my-marriage-9b7238fc5a7c