Forgiveness Is Essential for Healing (But It Must Be On Your Own Time)
Forgiveness is essential for healing.
Let me say it again, forgiveness is essential for healing.
It had been a year and a half since I cut off contact with my father, when I was told by someone close that I just needed to forgive him, not for him, but for myself. She shared her feelings in the most kind way, with a true compassion for me and my situation, truly wanting me to come out of this dark hole that I had buried myself in. She was met with anger, disgust, and a tearful, bitter, response for me. I did not want to forgive him. He did not deserve my forgiveness. What he did was unforgivable.
It has now been 3 years since I stood in a courtroom and told a judge that my father should not be allowed to be around my family. The order of protection was put in place and will remain so, hopefully for his lifetime. I have weaved in and out of depression, anger, and self-hatred, as I have tried to heal my heart from the gaping wound that my father created with a predatorial pickaxe. I have spent hours upon hours in therapy, writing in journals, and screaming as I sob into the open air, trying to figure out how this could happen and why it took so long for me to open my eyes. I have sat with friends and family thumbing over the moments of my life trying to find clarity and a better understanding of the things my father hid with a thick veil of lies. Through this journey of healing, I have slowly accepted that forgiveness is so important. I have been attempting to accept the reality that I not only need to forgive my father, others involved, but also myself. I think many times we are told to forgive and that is the end of the conversation, but there is so much more than just, snap your fingers and forgive.
You will not be able to forgive until you are ready. If you try to forgive before you have sorted out your feelings or if you are not in the right headspace, true forgiveness will not happen. We must take time to work through our feelings and our truths to really understand what happened and sometimes even see the offender’s perspective. There is the old saying “Time heals all wounds” and to that I would like to add that time is essential for forgiveness.
Forgiveness borne out of obligation only breeds resentment. Sadly, in many situations we can feel pushed into forgiving. Whether it is faith-based, therapy-based, socially-based, or even a family member who wants us to forgive, forget, and move on so that family barbecues are a little less awkward. When we find ourselves in this situation it can be extremely painful. Feeling forced to not be able to grieve our experience, our loss, our hurts, and just shut down all the feelings and move on, is not healthy and will eventually backfire.
Forgiveness is a choice but it is also a process. Ultimately, we are the only ones who can begin the steps to forgive someone else. No one can do that for us, and as hard as they may try, it will just create a false reality, which could in turn cause even more hurt. When we feel ready to forgive, that is when the process starts, no one else can choose this for us.
Forgiveness does not mean forgotten. I am still working on forgiving my father. I can say that I am in a better place now than I used to be. I will never forget what he did, excuse it, or allow him back into my life. I hope that one day I can set myself free and fully forgive him, that does not mean that I will ever just wash away what he did, the scars will always be on my heart, but I believe that as I continue to work towards forgiving him, the pain will become more dull.
When we choose to forgive, it can be a beautiful thing. It can help us heal, and help others heal. We should never forgive out of obligation, set time limits, or let anyone control how we go about forgiveness. It is our job to do the work and we get to decide how our journey towards forgiveness is mapped out.
Is there someone or something you are trying to forgive? Have you started the process or are you thinking about it? Have you ever had someone try to get you to forgive before you were ready?