Mental and Emotional Wellbeing
Forgiveness Is A Journey
To forgive does NOT mean to stay in harm’s way
My faith taught me the grace of forgiveness. It taught me to forgive others. Grace has taught me that forgiveness is not reliant upon restitution or perfection.
That faith also taught me to forgive myself. I learned that forgiving myself is the first step to forgiving others. But, the same faith also taught me not to remain in the power of harmful behavior… whether that behavior is my own or someone else’s.
Forgiving oneself may seem counterintuitive when you are the one being harmed by someone else’s abusive behaviors. But, when we are in a place to choose for ourselves, we often still choose the abuser. And, then we blame ourselves for it, often even telling ourselves we somehow caused or deserve the abuse.
Until we forgive ourselves for whatever we feel reason to carry blame, we cannot move past the harmful relationship. If we cannot move away from that harmful relationship, how could we ever truly forgive the person by whom we feel harmed? It is imperative to understand that forgiveness, like change, is never going to be a “one and done” resolution. The truth is always more complicated than just stopping or walking away.
Forgiveness is a journey.
We recognize wrong and work to change. But, to change, we have to begin with forgiveness and start the journey of change. Then, we have to keep forgiving along the journey.
When we are personally evolving, there will be missteps along the way. I think forgiveness is like the rest stop on our journey. In forgiveness is where we revive ourselves and reinvigorate our purpose on the path of change.
Our personal evolution of well being is a journey. So too, you will find, is the necessary leaving behind those whose behavior harms our relationship with them. that harm is likely impacting our physical, emotional, and/or mental well being.
These relationships are never easy to walk away from, no matter how much we know we need to do so. We entered these relationships for needs we may not even have been able to articulate. They are usually familial relationships or partner relationships; they can also be platonic relationships. Indeed, if one has only ever known brokenness, we may find ourselves seeking that out in all our relationships. Understanding our own brokenness is often the most difficult part of our journey to well being and forgiveness.
On a personal note, my own journey took me decades to come to where I am now. I forgave and forgive still. But, it was a long, hard road to finding that place where I finally said, “no more.” It was a difficult choice to create the necessary space between me and my kin. But, it was something I needed to do, to minimize the harm they do to me and my little family.
I wish I’d made that space sooner, before my little family’s well being was impacted… before my son learned to hate them. That’s part of my journey. That’s the forgiveness of myself I’m trying to find at this point on my path. It’s also the forgiveness I’m trying to find for my kin and the way they hurt my child.
I won’t give them space to do so again.
Still, they are my kin — my blood relatives. I don’t know if we can ever completely sever those ties. I know I never stop wanting them to understand and accept me and my little family on our terms, to embrace us and celebrate us for who we are.
As I’m writing this, one of my kin is making that effort — and I deeply hope she is as genuine in her humility and expressions of regret as she seems to be. I hope and pray, every single day, that this is real this time. I feel a sense of guilt that I doubt and that I still keep that space from her even as I encourage her overtures.
I don’t believe my experiences are unique. We’ve likely all seen similar relationship dichotomies. But, I hope and believe I will not fall back into a harmful relationship again, that my journey has taken me beyond that. The journey is never going to be ended. We still must make that journey.
I composed the following poem on the forgiveness my faith taught me.
Forgiveness
With Him there is forgiveness By the blood of His covenant For many, for all… He was poured out
For the forgiveness of sins When we are ever unworthy By His blood we are redeemed
When we only believe… By the grace of God… By the mercy of the Lord… We unworthy receive forgiveness
Eyes are opened to the darkness We see the darkness of life without Him We are turned from darkness to the Light
From the Satan’s power to the glory of the Lord Not by our own will — not by our deeds We are forgiven… We are cleansed… We are sanctified
Our place by His side is assured In our faith we shall testify of His Grace With all our soul we shall praise and adore
In our hearts shall we magnify His Holy Name Upon our heads the Holy Spirit rests
God encompasses… God among us… God within
08 January 2015, ©D. Denise Dianaty
Verses admonishing us to forgive with grace and to accept that we are forgiven through grace
Mark 3:28 “I tell you the truth, all the sins and blasphemies of men will be forgiven them.”
Luke 5:20 “When Jesus saw their faith, he said, ‘Friend, your sins are forgiven.’”
Romans 4:7 “Blessed are they whose transgressions are forgiven, whose sins are covered.”
2 Corinthians 2:10 “If you forgive anyone, I also forgive him. And what I have forgiven — if there was anything to forgive — I have forgiven in the sight of Christ for your sake,”
Hebrews 10:18 “And where these have been forgiven, there is no longer any sacrifice for sin.”
James 5:15 “And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well; the Lord will raise him up. If he has sinned, he will be forgiven.”
1 John 2:12 “ write to you, dear children, because your sins have been forgiven on account of his name.”
Verses which demonstrate to me how God never intended us to remain in harmful relationships of any kind, even as we are required to forgive
Matthew 103:12 When you go into a house, say, ‘Peace!’ 12 If the house is worthy, give it your blessing of peace. But if the house isn’t worthy, take back your blessing. 14 If anyone refuses to welcome you or listen to your words, shake the dust off your feet as you leave that house or city… 23 Whenever they harass you in one city, escape to the next, because I assure that you will not go through all the cities of Israel before the Human One comes.
Mark 6:11 If a place doesn’t welcome you or listen to you, as you leave, shake the dust off your feet as a witness against them.”
Luke 10:11 ‘As a complaint against you, we brush off the dust of your city that has collected on our feet. But know this: God’s kingdom has come to you.’
Acts 13: 50 However… They instigated others to harass Paul and Barnabas, and threw them out of their district. 51 Paul and Barnabas shook the dust from their feet.
