Forgiveness: How to Forgive, Even Though It’s Often Hard
Forgiveness is not always easy. Especially not when we have been deeply hurt or offended. However, it is enormously important for ourselves — and for our health — to be able to forgive. If we don’t, it can prevent us from leaving what has happened behind us and looking forward again with full strength.
In this interview, psychologist Dr. Doris Wolf explains why forgiveness is often so difficult for us, how we manage to do it anyway, and what the consequences are when we hold on to old conflicts.
Why is it so important to forgive others?
Dr. Wolf: When we forgive another person or ourselves, inner peace returns and we can live in the present again. Not forgiving is like an unfinished important task that keeps getting our attention. In our minds, we are always preoccupied with the person we cannot forgive for something. As a result, our body is in a permanent state of alarm.
Through forgiveness, we gain inner freedom.
We cut a rubber band, so to speak, which pulls us back into the past again and again. This allows us to focus on the present, allowing our creativity and curiosity to unfold again.
What consequences can we have if we do not forgive?
- As a result of our inner reproaches and quarrels, we feel negative feelings such as hatred, revenge, anger, bitterness, hurt, and disappointment.
- Some people turn to addictive substances to calm down and switch off.
- Our environment may also feel our dissatisfaction and anger.
- Physical consequences range from exhaustion and muscle tension to cardiovascular, gastrointestinal, or sleep disorders.
Without forgiveness, we cannot let go of human beings. We are designed in such a way that our brain, or sometimes just our body, reports again and again and reminds itself of what has happened.
Although we suffer from not forgiving someone, we often find it difficult to take this step. Why is that?
When it comes to forgiving, there are many irrational attitudes. For example, people confuse forgiving with approving. Forgiveness, however, does not mean that the other person has behaved correctly. It also does not mean that we forget about the incident or that the other person gets carte blanche as a result. Forgiveness is not a sign of weakness either. The other person does not have to earn forgiveness either. First of all, we do it for our own sake.
Nevertheless, there are things in life that seem unforgivable. How do we still manage to forgive them?
There is no recognized catalog where we can look up what is unforgivable and what is not. Some people don’t even forgive when friends forget their birthday. Others, on the other hand, forgive serious crimes.
It is an inner decision to forgive. It can help to remember that humans are fallible. And that this is the only way to continue to live together in a relaxed way with this particular person or that we forgive for our mental and physical well-being.
Does this mean that you should really forgive everyone for everything — or can’t anger sometimes help you process what has happened?
It is not a question of “should”, but of whether we want to let our lives be affected by this event in the long term. Sometimes, however, it is enough to accept what has happened. It’s all a matter of duration. Short-term, temporary anger can remind us that something is going against our ideas. It can encourage us to do something to get our desires fulfilled. Chronic anger and bitterness, on the other hand, only harm us.
Does forgiveness always have to go hand in hand with reconciliation, or is it enough for me to forgive myself?
We don’t necessarily have to share our forgiveness with the other person. It is enough to do it inwardly or to do something for ourselves that symbolizes forgiveness and closure of our accusations. Reconciliation requires the willingness of the other. If both can reach out to each other and reconcile, that’s wonderful. However, forgiveness can also take place without the willingness and cooperation of the other person. It works even if the person concerned has already died.
How important is it to be able to forgive yourself?
This is almost more important than forgiving others. Most of the time, we are much harsher on ourselves. Most of us blame ourselves daily for mistakes, mishaps, and anything else that doesn’t live up to our expectations. We demand ourselves to be perfect. But we need to remember that we are lifelong learners and cannot be perfect.
It is human nature that we misjudge situations, sometimes do not behave appropriately to the situation, and cannot look into the future. Not forgiving yourself has the same negative consequences that we feel in the form of strong feelings and our bodies as when we don’t forgive others.
Why are some people more easily forgiven than others?
A lot of factors impact this.— for example:
- our experience with forgiveness
- our basic attitudes — whether we treat ourselves lovingly and accept ourselves, whether we expect perfection from ourselves, how much we depend on the attention of others, how we deal with conflicts, whether we need harmony
- our moral values or whether we are believers
Forgiveness is an achievement or work that everyone can decide to do and that anyone can do without faith.
Are there certain patterns, exercises, or methods that help with forgiveness?
The process of forgiveness involves four stages:
- Accurate description of what happened.
- Considering the pros and cons that it brings for us to forgive and making a conscious decision about whether we want to forgive.
- Looking at the event from the other’s point of view.
- Implementation of the decision and training of our new inner attitude towards ourselves or the other person.
For example, a helpful phrase that we can always repeat internally is: “Even if it hurts me, I am ready to let go and forgive. I want to focus my energy on my future now.” We can’t force ourselves to do it. We can only take the concrete steps that eventually end in forgiveness.
