BUTT WHY?

Forgive Me If I Stretch the Truth a Little

Does Spandex make my Old Man less macho?

The sound of Spandex fills the route between the living room and the kitchen.

Whoosh. Whoosh. Pffffffftttttt. Shuuuuush.

I can hear the synthetic polyurethane as it expands and contracts. Expands and contracts. Studiously avoids creasing around his knees; hugs his butt, just so.

My Old Man wears yoga pants. To golf. Seriously.

He’ll deny it, but Moker has succumbed to a comfortable athletic fashion trend. Specifically, on the golf course.

My avid duffer purchased a pair of Spandex golf pants a couple of weeks ago. He’ll deny they seem like Athleisure Wear for Old Farts. He’ll say I’m questioning his “manhood” by noting his recent bent toward yoga apparel. But I know the truth.

Of course, the women in his immediate family have been wearing yoga pants for years. These “soft pants,” as my oldest calls them, have been popular in American women’s fashion since at least 1998, according to Wikipedia. Yup, there’s even a Wiki entry for them.

And now, they’ve hit the links. All the pros are wearing them.

Adidas makes Spandex golf pants for men. So do Under Armour and Puma. My bestie, Jeff Bezos, carries a whole line.

Moker acquired his at the pro shop where he golfs. He didn’t announce his purchase, but it didn’t take long for me to notice.

Whoosh. Whoosh. Pffffffftttttt. Shuuuuush.

He’ll tell you he doesn’t make “any noise at all” when he wears his new yoga pants, and also, hey, they’re not yoga pants, only girls wear yoga pants. But I can tell by the cut of his jib, so to speak, exactly what he’s got on.

Yeah, his pants are tighter in all the right places. And he makes that sound when he walks.

Whoosh. Whoosh. Pffffffftttttt. Shuuuuush.

Only two things make Moker’s yoga pants different from mine: Belt loops and a slight flare at the ankle. Oh, and they’re dark Navy.

Yoga pants masquerading as golf pants, if you ask me.

Whoosh. Whoosh. Pffffffftttttt. Shuuuuush.

Some of you may be old enough to remember the loud golf pants of the 1960s and ’70s. The new trend in golf Spandex isn’t anything like that. But comedian Bob Hope practically made a career out of his outrageous golf pants prints. So did President Gerald Ford, before, during and after his brief outing in the Oval Office.

Professional golfer Arnold Palmer often sported leggings on the pro tour that fairly screamed, “I play the nerdy game of golf and dang, I’m proud of it!”

Just Google “Bob Hope Desert Classic” and you’ll get an eye-full.

These days, the only golf pro on the tour who appears to wear loud golf pants is John Daly. And that’s because he sports the outlandish prints of a California-based company called “Loudmouth Golf.” But Daly is certainly big enough to benefit from something in the Spandex department.

I don’t expect Moker to purchase yoga pants in any styles that scream “Chartreuse!” or “Flamingo!” or “Geometric Prints Sure to Embarrass Anyone!” anytime soon. And I don’t expect him to admit that he’s even wearing the soft pants the rest of his fam has adopted as a pandemic uniform. So, my Macho Man’s secret is safe with me.

But I wouldn’t be surprised to see him on a thin rubber mat at our house, stretching that cute lil’ tush up into a “Downward Dog” pose. I’m certain his pants will give him breathing room enough.

Namaste.