Forgive Me, For I know What I Do

Calling out crap is just too much fun to give up

For shits and grins, I just skimmed an article from a writer who made over five grand in a single month, right here on Medium, and is graciously sharing their “secrets.”

I keep telling myself that I’m never going to write about this shit again, but you irresistible goofballs keep reeling me back in. Just like Michael Corleone in The Godfather.

It’s damned near impossible to NOT comment on these clickbait stories. I admit, oftentimes, I just have to take a look because part of me would love to see even a shred of advice worth a damn, but apparently, there is none to be had.

With over 6k claps and a load of fawning comments, albeit, a couple of right-minded thinkers among the gushers, I had to go back to the piece and take another quick peek just to make sure I hadn’t missed anything. After all, I never want to say anything untoward.

So, without further ado:

Who here doesn’t know that a compelling title and subtitle are vital to getting your story read?

Who here doesn’t know that a properly sourced image, one that perfectly supports your story isn’t key?

Who here doesn’t know that writing too much can work against you? WAIT. Back the truck up. What did I read? Sure, writing too much crap can work against you, but if you’re pumping out quality stories on the reg, I don’t see that as a problem. In fact, good on you. Keep it up!

Who here doesn’t know that typos and poor formatting can literally kick your ass? Literally. Get it? (Pause for appreciative laughter and head-nods. Thank you.)

Who here doesn’t know that submitting to the “big pubs” can be a freakin’ big waste of time? You can edit and re-edit a story until your sphincter closes up but, if they don’t like you, they don’t like you. Get it? Submit to the “Indie” pubs like mine, which are small, but big on quality, and stop pandering for shit’s sake. It’s not a good look. Neither is desperation.

Who here doesn’t know that it’s not cool to waste readers’ time? Now, this is the perfect example of irony, boys and girls, as the sage advice in the story I’m referencing is not only a waste of time, but it’s a manipulative waste of time. This is a writer who knows what the hell they’re doing, and why. Ka-ching!

So, what have we learned from that story, which I conveniently summarized for you here, thereby saving you a mega waste of your valuable time? Nada, right? Bubkis.

But, stay tuned because I’m about to tell you something that will probably save you a lot of grief in the long run.

You’re getting this from a veteran, friends so pay attention as I’m going to share what I’ve learned in over two years writing here:

Don’t piss off Medium.

Without a shred of doubt, I believe that’s the best advice you’re ever going to hear on this platform. Ever.

Don’t do as I’ve done and have the temerity to be critical of the machinations here. They no likey. And, because of that unfortunate reality, I no likey my pitiful earnings. And, I’ve made no secret of that.

Whatever you do, and I don’t care if you have to write this on your hand to remember it, be slavishly loyal in your devotion to the Medium powers-that-be. The truth is, I don’t believe I’ve ever said anything that other people aren’t thinking. What’s more, I’ve never been disrespectful, but, as a paying member of the Partner Program, I feel as if my voice should be heard and taken seriously.

Just as an aside, it probably wouldn’t hurt to lie about your age, too.

In fairness, it’s not just Medium that has “sensitivity issues.” It’s damn near impossible to keep it real on any writer’s platform these days, without taking a kick in the ass.

So, what do you do when you live in a world where speaking the truth is tantamount to shooting yourself in the head?

Well, if you’re like me, you say “fuck it,” and then get a big towel.

© Sherry McGuinn, 2021. All Rights Reserved.

Sherry McGuinn is a slightly-twisted, longtime Chicago-area writer and award-winning screenwriter. Her work has appeared in The Chicago Tribune, Chicago Sun-Times, and numerous other publications. Sherry’s soon-to-be-ex-manager is currently NOT pitching her newest screenplay, a drama with dark, comedic overtones and inspired by a true story.

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