Forced to Accept an Unexpected Change as an AuDHD Adult

I’m a freelance content and copywriter, and last Thursday I found out I would have to find new clients (or a full-time job) for the first time in several years. That news might hit anybody hard, but my autism and ADHD are making it even harder for me to accept the news and look for work.

How My Autism Makes Change Difficult

One of the hallmark symptoms of autism is a resistance to change and a reliance on routines. My ADHD sometimes creates change in my life despite the objections of the autistic side of my brain, but this change was not triggered by me at all; forces outside of my control are forcing me outside my comfort zone to look for new work.

When I found out last Thursday that my primary client would be cutting my services (and pay) by 2/3, I was nearly done with my tasks for the week and had thought I would have a nice, relaxing 3-day weekend. As a result, I struggled to spend much time looking for new clients over the last few days, because my autistic brain insisted on being in “weekend mode.”

Resistance to change means my brain couldn’t easily switch itself from “weekend mode” to “look for work mode,” as much as it would have benefited me to start job hunting as soon as possible.

I did manage to apply for one freelance gig on UpWork and put together a rough draft of my resume, but that was all I could manage over the weekend. I hoped that once Monday hit, I could use “work mode” to finally get serious about looking for work.

As of writing this draft, it’s 2:21 pm on Monday. I halfheartedly looked at some articles on how to improve my resume, but my autistic brain is still screaming at me, “This isn’t part of our normal routine!”

But that’s only half the story.

ADHD Task Paralysis

My biggest problem over the last few days has been ADHD task paralysis. I’m so overwhelmed by the idea of looking and applying for new jobs and work that I can barely get myself to do ANYTHING.

Yesterday, knowing I needed to wash my dog, update my resume, do laundry, and do dishes, I found myself stuck on my sofa, unable to even decide on something to watch to distract myself from everything that I should be doing. When I’m overwhelmed by ADHD task paralysis, I can’t convince my body to do ANYTHING.

My dog, Jules, is also due for her annual vet visit this week, and I can’t put it off because that would mean missing a dose of her monthly heartworm/flea/tick prevention. Shame is one of my biggest motivators, and as a former dog groomer, I can’t bring myself to bring a dirty dog to the vet, so I did eventually manage to wash Jules yesterday.

But that’s just about the only thing I accomplished all weekend because task paralysis prevented me from being productive.

Pathological Demand Avoidance

One potential piece of my brain I’ve only recently started learning about is pathological demand avoidance (PDA). According to the PDA Society:

“‘Demand avoidance’ involves not being able to do certain things at certain times, either for yourself or others, and also refers to the things we do in order to avoid demands…

Autistic people may avoid demands or situations that trigger anxiety or sensory overload, disrupt routines, involve transitioning from one activity to another, and activities/events that they don’t see the point of or have any interest in.

They may refuse, withdraw, ‘shutdown’ or escape in order to avoid these things.”

Searching for new work is definitely triggering my anxiety, especially the idea of applying for a full-time writing job after being a freelancer for more than 7 years. I’ve never had to make a resume for a “professional” job like what I’m searching for because I had blue-collar job before starting my freelance career.

The anxiety is so overwhelming right now that it’s difficult to function. I did manage to write the one blog post I needed today for my current client, but I have struggled to accomplish much else. All I want to do is crawl into bed and avoid this stress altogether.

Battling My Brain

I understand what I need to be doing. I know that I need to polish my resume and scour freelance job sites as well as regular job sites to look for work. But that doesn’t make it easy to actually DO those things.

Years ago, before I learned that I’m AuDHD, I once asked on Facebook, “How do you do things you know you need to do?”

It was a genuine question, because I’ve always struggled to do things, no matter how important they are. But most of my friends and family who answered don’t have my same struggles and didn’t seem to even understand the question. The responses were mostly some version of “I just do it.”

Unlike the Nike slogan, I don’t seem to have that ability. I often need outside pressure to force me to do things I know I need to do, and it’s incredibly frustrating not to know how to convince my own brain to do things without external influences.

Eventually, the panic of not being able to pay my bills will set in, and I will be able to hyperfocus on looking for more work. But in the meantime, I can’t hate myself into doing it.

The best I can do is accomplish something unrelated to what I should be doing — like writing a piece for Medium.

Why Share This?

I’ve hardly told anybody yet that I need to find more work, and I don’t love the idea of sharing this particular struggle so publicly. But I’m not looking for sympathy or anything else. I’m not writing this out of a desire to feel pitied or a secret hope that I’ll somehow find work through this blog post.

I only want to share a piece of what it’s like living inside my AuDHD brain. If you have a loved one who’s autistic, ADHD, or otherwise neurodivergent, it may be helpful to see that we don’t necessarily “choose” to avoid doing things we know we need to do.

We’re CONSTANTLY battling our own brains.

I don’t remember where, but I recently saw a conversation online that was like, “Would you fight your worst enemy for $50,000 if it meant your enemy would get $100,000?” “Yes, because then I would have $150,000.”

I’ve always felt like my own brain is my worst enemy, even if I haven’t always understood why.

Now, I understand better why my brain won’t let me simply sit down, polish my resume, and look for work. I’m TRYING not to beat myself up about it too much. After all, I’ve never successfully hated myself into doing anything productive.

But sometimes, knowledge isn’t enough. Sometimes, I wish my brain could be my friend.