For Sale: One Pair Apple Ski Goggles

Never used because they are so stupid and ugly and useless

Price: negotiable.

I paid three thousand five hundred. Because stupidity.

You can give me something, whatever you can afford. But to tbh, you will be wasting your money.

I mean, as ski goggles go, they are probably pretty good. But I have an awesome pair of ski goggles that cost me 75 bucks.

So yeah, give me 50 bucks for them.

The Apple ‘Vision Pro’ headset in a nutshell.

Picture a shell. And it has a nut inside it. The nut is me. Paying all of my savings for such a dumbass thing. What was I thinking?

I wasn’t thinking.

Why would I need to be on the internet all the time with a pair of goggles on my face? Because I’m ugly and want to disguise my features?

Because the internet is so great and I don't want to be off it for even a second?

Because Google Maps is like home to me and I want it right in my face wherever I look?

Because Apple products are great so this must be great too, right?

Wrong.

I’ve got two words for you: Metaverse.

This is the Metaverse part two. The next giant floppola in tech land.

Good.

I hate tech land.

Have you heard about their sex and drug parties in mansions? Damn, I’m jealous of those nerds.

Having billions of dollars and sex parties with people like Amber Heard and all that.

(I’m not saying Amber Heard ever attended a sex party! Please don’t sue me, Amber, honey… I suffer from litigation anxiety. Have a heart.)

I mean, gosh, I wish I had that life.

So I guess that’s why I bought the ski goggles.

I really don’t even like skiing that much. I just do it because, I don’t know, you’re supposed to.

If you live in LA you’re supposed to go to Deer Valley in the winter to your ski-in ski-out condo.

I don’t have one of those. But I do go take a bus to Bear Mountain on the half-off day and ski over rocks.

It’s actually free on your birthday. Which sucks because my birthday is in July — how is that fair?

Anyhow, about these googles.

They suck!

I’m saying this in the spirit of full disclosure. If you are really going to buy them off me for fifty bucks, you have been made aware of their suckiness. Which is well documented by now, a full 24 or so hours after they were unveiled. Here’s the problem:

• they suck
• they suck
• and they suck.

Wait, didn’t Google already flop with internet glasses?

Here’s a pic of Sergei Brin with the stupid things on his face.

But one good thing for Sergei, the woman who was in charge of publicizing these glasses was super sexy. Her name was Amanda Rosenberg and she spoke with a very sexy British accent. Oh and she happens to be a Medium writer and she has a million billion followers. Hmm. Wonder why? I’ve been at this like a fiend for three years and I have a motley assortment of a few thousand, most of whom have already left the platform. Maybe it’s because I suck and she’s great. Or maybe it’s some other silicon valley reason I don’t understand. (I mean this guy named Ev Williams has 213K followers and he hardly ever publishes anything — it’s who you know, I guess)

This is her wearing the glasses I think. I mean she has something on her face. It’s not as horrific as the Apple goggles. But it is horrible looking. A cute girl like that, almost ruined by that weird red box thing on the right of her face. I mean, her right. Our left.

But at least she looks better than she would with the Apple goggles on.

Here’s the excited audience reaction to the announcement of the almost 4 grand price tag of the goggles.

People are already mocking the poor goggles.

“For the low price of $3,500 and two hour battery life on Apple Vision Pro, you can watch a full 2/3 of Avatar on your next flight,” photographer Martin Moore tweeted.

That’s pretty funny.

But he forgot to add: and you will look like a complete twat while doing it. Like dude, are you lost? The ski slopes are about five hundred miles that way and the snow melted about a month and a half ago, sorry to say. Oh wait, is this a flight to Chile? My bad! You’re going skiing in the southern hemisphere, didn’t think of that.

Wait, what am I doing on a flight to Chile?

Jees, I’ve been on so many flights to so many countries lately I don’t know whether I’m coming or going.

Never mind. I got my Apple goggles on. I just need to look up and I’ll see Google Maps. Oh wait, are you kidding me? Apple Maps.

Apple fucking maps?

Who in their right mind uses Apple Maps?

Here’s what my hero Steve Jobs said about the creators of Apple fucking maps:

“You’ve brought shame to my company.”

That was about ten years ago. Guess what, Steve, RIP. The shame continues. It’s the worst! The very worst!

I don’t know if you know this, Steve, but this might come as a real shock. Maybe it will shock you back to life.

The most popular maps is Google Maps. Wait…

The second most popular maps…it isn’t Apple Maps.

No, you guys are third, Steve.

Guess what is the second most used maps?

Weedmaps.

That’s right.

Weedmaps. Marijuana dispensaries and delivery near you, is more popular than Apple Maps.

At least somebody told me that. They were stoned when they told me though, so it could be wrong. Somebody google it for me please. I’d like to know if I’m going around repeating lies.

Apple will have the last laugh, I’m sure.

I don’t know if you are aware of this, but their headquarters is a gigantic spaceship.

And at night it lifts off and takes the lucky employees to a place way on the other side of the universe where they get to hang with Steve and other dead Apple employees.

When a good person dies he goes to heaven. When a bad person dies, he goes to hell.

When an Apple employee dies they go to this really cool place on the other side of the universe.

It’s all white. (It was designed by Jonathan Ive).

When you are hungry, people dressed all in white magically appear and hand you a beautiful white box. It kind of looks like the packaging for the iPhone or the iPad.

You open the box and the most amazing thing is inside. It’s not food the way we think of it.

It’s cosmic Apple food.

It glows and it spins around in circles. And it sustains you and nourishes you and provides you with ecstasy you’ve never imagined.

And when it disappears, you’re not hungry any more.

And you’ve consumed exactly zero calories — they’ve measured it.

Yeah, that’s only one of the amazing things about Apple Land. A friend who works at Apple told me a bunch of stuff but I don’t want to get him in trouble so I won’t say more.

Except God is there. He prefers it to heaven. Makes sense. Heaven is probably pretty analog. When it was invented they didn’t have phones of any kind, let alone iPhones. Can you imagine?

God totes loves Apple Land.

But I’m not sure God is going to love these Goggles.

He can already see everything anyway.

“Why would I want these?” he’ll probably say to Steve.

Who will shrug.

And then look down on the idiots who made these goggles and think, “They brought shame to my company…again! The assholes.”

Apple Vision Pro Headset. Going on sale soon, unfortunately.

Full disclosure: This is satire. I didn’t buy a pair. I’m actually not an early adopter. Maybe I’m wrong, maybe they will be amazing, maybe I will buy a pair. When the price comes down to the lower altitudes. Maybe.

More full disclosure; The part about Apple Headquarters being a spaceship is not satire, that was real. I’m pretty sure it does fly Apple employees to a secret Apple realm where they commune with Steve. Almost like 90 percent sure that is true.