For a Man, a Friend, a Brother

Sometimes saying sorry is worthless

I open the high, rusty gate, I will be with you in a while.

I have so many things to tell you that I even made some notes so that I won’t forget anything.

It has been so long, my God how long…

As I approach I feel so anxious…will I find the power to talk to you?

Will I make up for all those years we have lost touch?

You had always been a brother to me

You stayed by my side nights and days when I was so sick…

You carried me in your arms to take me to the hospital crossing an avenue, risking your life.

You bought me my favorite ice cream every day.

You would even make me fruit cream and feed me little by little.

And we surely laughed a lot.

My steps now slow down…I am getting closer and closer…

I remember the first time we met

I was ten years old and my favorite sister brought you to meet me.

I was so shy that I hid under the bed

“Hey you, tall girl come out...I don’t eat skinny kids, they aren’t tasty” you said

I laughed and I came out. You gave me the sweetest hug ever.

And I immediately loved you.

Your marriage to my beloved sister was the best time of my life.

Every summer I would stay at your place

We went swimming, played like children, and had so much fun

Then, one day my sister announced to us out of the blue that you had already been divorced and you waited to arrange everything before you told us…

I have never cried so much...

How could I never see you again…YOU.. my good friend, my big brother.

But if my sister had made up her mind that was what we should accept.

We used to talk on the phone from time to time

Then you started your life again so I did not want to be a thorn in the past

So we eventually stopped talking…

Every time I came to your city I would look around wishing that I would see you somewhere, somehow.. but that never happened

I am close now…my hands are trembling and tears are running down my cheeks as I see your face in a distance.

I want to tell you that my daughter has grown up so much

She knows everything about you although she has never met you

I want to tell you that my husband has a new job he loves and that I quit mine…

Mum and Dad are fine and she still makes the pies you loved

I want to tell you that I am sorry I never even called you except that last time one year ago.

When you were so sick and I promised you to come and take you home, I owed it to you

And you wanted it so much... you needed someone to care for you as you were so lonely

I promised to come after Christmas and take you home with me and my family.. we all loved you so much.

But I guess it was too late...

Here we are…Hello my “brother”…I say and touch your face

I sit on the icy marble tombstone that covers you.

I leave the flowers in front of that beautiful picture of yours.

I could not say anything I had prepared to say….

I just say…”I AM SO SORRY…You left Just before I came for you… I didn’t know you were suffering from depression and you died all alone in a nursing home, so young, so good, so sick, so lonely.

I wish at least I could be there to hold your hand when you were dying so that you wouldn’t be afraid…I wish I could do something to change that, I wish I could turn back time but I can’t. Forgive me”

I caress your face in the picture, stand up, and leave. What could I say?? Words have no worth now…

You may have left but you will always live in my heart and my mind, for I lost one more brother, YOU…. Thanasis.