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Abstract

r protocol.</p><p id="7f2c">I can’t pinpoint the exact day we lost control of the Earth and our freedom, nor do I really care that much to do so. My apathy regarding our situation, I am informed, is one of the reasons I was chosen “lead human.”</p><p id="2495">You may have noticed that such apathy has been on the rise in recent years. It’s almost of if there is something in the air making people not give a damn about much of anything. That’s because there is something being pumped into the air making us not give a damn about much of anything.</p><p id="0acd">If you can manage to care long enough to trace the timeline back to when this apathy began, you can figure out when our alien overlords arrived, enslaving us, dooming our species to be second-class citizens of the universe for the rest of time.</p><h2 id="efb4">Our alien masters tell me that it is the same airborne toxin that is making the human population generally stupider.</h2><p id="e3a0">We are losing our intelligence much quicker than we think we are. If you focus on it, you can pick up on this loss of intelligence in a personal way as you wake up in the morning. Ever since I was informed, I feel vaguely stupider nearly every day. This loss of intelligence isn’t gradual either. It makes me wonder what we’ve forgotten since this invasion occurred.</p><p id="848f">As if to add insult to injury, the new overlords of planet Earth are invisible, but worse. Our weapons cannot harm them. They are impervious to physical weapons. If we focused all our nuclear weapons on their mother ship, it might experience some slight turbulence while in orbit as it deflected nearly 100% of the damage right back towards the surface of our planet. Or should I say, their planet.</p><p id="ef54">In addition to my apathy, sense of hopelessness and futility of our situation, I now realize that our superior conquering invaders chose me as “de-facto lead human” because of several other poor character qualities that I possess making me the ideal person to occupy this position.</p><h2 id="9de6">My lack of ability to inspire hope and organize any resistance to their rule being key among those character traits.</h2><p id="5d1

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8">Also, my tendency to procrastinate as this announcement is several years late as I mentioned earlier. In many ways, it feels like the presidency of Jimmy Carter during the hostage crisis and oil embargo of the late 1970s.</p><p id="d70a">The position does not come with any of the benefits you might think that it would. In fact, they seem to like to abuse and neglect those they have chosen to “lead” our conquered race. My self-confidence is regularly undermined, my financial security is constantly under attack, and my social needs are often neglected.</p><p id="746c">Keeping me insecure seems to be one of the main themes of the position. That and taking the blame for all the world’s problems. I’m always there to listen to humanity’s long litany of complaints, but there is no one to escalate those complaints to. It’s almost like they don’t care at all about our needs.</p><h2 id="ef68">So, there you go. You’ve been wanting an explanation for why things are the way they are.</h2><p id="9d35">That’s it. I’m sorry to say that I don’t expect things will return to normal or that our situation will improve anytime soon.</p><p id="4dbf">I don’t know what plans they have for us, if any. They haven’t entrusted me with that information. They really haven’t given me much information at all except what I just informed you about here. Keeping us informed doesn’t seem to be very high on their list of priorities either.</p><p id="2ed2">So, if your spouse suddenly seems more distant and colder, or if the cashier down at your local grocery store seems overly emotional and easily distracted, try to have a little understanding.</p><h2 id="6caf">It’s entirely possible that we just lost an intergalactic war last week and all of us had our memories erased.</h2><p id="ca0c">Perhaps that cashier was an Admiral in command of her own fleet of star ships. Perhaps your wife, unknown to you, lost her husband. Anything is possible.</p><p id="0b3a">If you need me, or feel motivated to “do something”, I’ll be sleeping in late or playing Angry Birds on my Android to keep my mind distracted, firmly attempting to live in denial of our dire and depressing situation.</p></article></body>

Following Our Humiliating Defeat, Our New Alien Overlords have Chosen to Appoint me Nonentity Titular Head of Humanity

I come bearing bad news

In case you haven’t noticed, things have been pretty weird lately.

Covid-19, people wearing face masks, the rise of nationalism and fundamentalism, purposeless jobs, incompetence at all levels of society, all while ineffectual people everywhere shrug their shoulders at the most heinous of injustices.

This is not by accident. It goes with the territory, or more precisely, these behaviors go with the loss of territory, our forfeiture of the planet Earth to our conquerors, our superiors, our new alien overlords. I apologize for the late announcement of humanity’s surrender and my ascendancy (descendancy?) to leader of the free world.

It seemed like a moot point. I thought it best to allow the human race to live a little while longer in the fantasy that we were still the # 1 species on the planet, firmly in control of our own destiny. Leader of the free world is also a bit of a misnomer since the world is no longer free.

But I’ve procrastinated long enough now, it’s time to rip off the band-aid and wake up the world to the cold and cruel reality that we really aren’t all that special in the grand scheme of things. Our conquerors arrived several years ago. Our surrender was almost immediate.

There was no blood shed during the fight for our freedom, our resistance to our new masters.

Even if there was, we’ve all been programmed to forget about it and the people who lost their lives fighting for a free human race, if any. The memory of the event, if it happened at all, and our brave brothers and sisters who fought and died for us were erased from our individual and collective memories, as per protocol.

I can’t pinpoint the exact day we lost control of the Earth and our freedom, nor do I really care that much to do so. My apathy regarding our situation, I am informed, is one of the reasons I was chosen “lead human.”

You may have noticed that such apathy has been on the rise in recent years. It’s almost of if there is something in the air making people not give a damn about much of anything. That’s because there is something being pumped into the air making us not give a damn about much of anything.

If you can manage to care long enough to trace the timeline back to when this apathy began, you can figure out when our alien overlords arrived, enslaving us, dooming our species to be second-class citizens of the universe for the rest of time.

Our alien masters tell me that it is the same airborne toxin that is making the human population generally stupider.

We are losing our intelligence much quicker than we think we are. If you focus on it, you can pick up on this loss of intelligence in a personal way as you wake up in the morning. Ever since I was informed, I feel vaguely stupider nearly every day. This loss of intelligence isn’t gradual either. It makes me wonder what we’ve forgotten since this invasion occurred.

As if to add insult to injury, the new overlords of planet Earth are invisible, but worse. Our weapons cannot harm them. They are impervious to physical weapons. If we focused all our nuclear weapons on their mother ship, it might experience some slight turbulence while in orbit as it deflected nearly 100% of the damage right back towards the surface of our planet. Or should I say, their planet.

In addition to my apathy, sense of hopelessness and futility of our situation, I now realize that our superior conquering invaders chose me as “de-facto lead human” because of several other poor character qualities that I possess making me the ideal person to occupy this position.

My lack of ability to inspire hope and organize any resistance to their rule being key among those character traits.

Also, my tendency to procrastinate as this announcement is several years late as I mentioned earlier. In many ways, it feels like the presidency of Jimmy Carter during the hostage crisis and oil embargo of the late 1970s.

The position does not come with any of the benefits you might think that it would. In fact, they seem to like to abuse and neglect those they have chosen to “lead” our conquered race. My self-confidence is regularly undermined, my financial security is constantly under attack, and my social needs are often neglected.

Keeping me insecure seems to be one of the main themes of the position. That and taking the blame for all the world’s problems. I’m always there to listen to humanity’s long litany of complaints, but there is no one to escalate those complaints to. It’s almost like they don’t care at all about our needs.

So, there you go. You’ve been wanting an explanation for why things are the way they are.

That’s it. I’m sorry to say that I don’t expect things will return to normal or that our situation will improve anytime soon.

I don’t know what plans they have for us, if any. They haven’t entrusted me with that information. They really haven’t given me much information at all except what I just informed you about here. Keeping us informed doesn’t seem to be very high on their list of priorities either.

So, if your spouse suddenly seems more distant and colder, or if the cashier down at your local grocery store seems overly emotional and easily distracted, try to have a little understanding.

It’s entirely possible that we just lost an intergalactic war last week and all of us had our memories erased.

Perhaps that cashier was an Admiral in command of her own fleet of star ships. Perhaps your wife, unknown to you, lost her husband. Anything is possible.

If you need me, or feel motivated to “do something”, I’ll be sleeping in late or playing Angry Birds on my Android to keep my mind distracted, firmly attempting to live in denial of our dire and depressing situation.