Summary

The Warwick Apartment Building tenants have been reporting 'floating objects' outside their west windows, which turned out to be condoms thrown from the upper floors, causing a sanitation issue that required a discreet and tactful resolution from the Real Estate Man.

Abstract

The Warwick Apartment Building, known for its old elegance, became the center of an unusual problem when tenants reported seeing 'objects' floating by their west windows every morning. Initially, Real Estate Man, who manages the property, was not overly concerned, attributing the floating objects to debris from a nearby alley. However, as reports became more specific, identifying the objects as condoms, and as the trash haulers refused to collect garbage due to finding prophylactics frozen to the dumpster lids, Real Estate Man was forced to address the issue. Rather than posting a public notice that might detract from the building's classy reputation, he opted for personal letters to the west-facing apartments, congratulating the residents on their safe sex practices while requesting they dispose of their used condoms properly. This tactful approach resolved the issue, and trash collection resumed without further incident.

Opinions

Real Estate Man initially underestimated the seriousness of the floating objects complaint, considering it non-urgent.
The tenants found the repeated sight of condoms falling past their windows to be odd, prompting further complaints.
Waste Management's refusal to collect trash due to the frozen condoms on the dumpster lids escalated the issue, pushing Real Estate Man to take action.
Real Estate Man considered a direct but discreet approach to be more appropriate than a public announcement, which he felt would be too common for the building's upscale image.
The letters sent to the tenants were intended to be humorous and non-confrontational, while also making it clear that the behavior needed to stop.
The strategy of sending personal letters was deemed risky but ultimately successful in resolving the sanitation issue.

Flying Condoms

…Real Estate Man received the following phone call from Apartment #44: Every morning for the past week or so there were 2 or 3 ‘objects’ that ‘floated’ by our west window.

# 29 Real Estate Man

The Warwick Apartment Building was a star in Real Estate Man’s firmament. It was 7 floors of old elegance with an ancient cage elevator, marble hallways, a French Empire Chandelier with crystal accents in the lobby, mosaic fireplaces in each of the apartments complimenting beautiful decorative plaster high ceilings.

It was a cold blustery day in February. Philadelphia was in the middle of a winter cold snap plaguing the city when Real Estate Man received the following phone call from Apartment #44: Every morning for the past week or so there were 2 or 3 ‘objects’ that ‘floated’ by our west window.

Could Real Estate Man check it out?

The complaint certainly didn’t seem urgent. On the west side of the Warwick was a large alley fenced off. The alley contained the lidded dumpsters that the tenants used to deposit their trash. Not much chance for anyone to get hit with floating objects.

Real Estate Man reacted appropriately to the complaint by remaining in his office. It was really cold!

The 2nd call from a different tenant in a different apartment on the same side of the building was a bit more descriptive; over the last 3 or 4 days, at approximately the same time each day, 2 or 3 condoms fell past our west window.

They thought it — odd.

Real Estate Man still felt the floating condoms should be a no action.

The whole business stepped up a notch when Real Estate Man got a call the next day from Waste Management. They were the trash hauler that serviced the 2 dumpsters on the side of the building. Apparently, in the last week or so, when the men emptied the dumpsters there were prophylactics frozen to the lids. The crews had to scrape them off before they reused the containers. The men were rebelling. They refused to pick up the trash until the problem was solved.

Real Estate Man’s story:

Normally, I’d leave a neatly printed sign in the lobby, the traditional place for building announcements. There was a oak framed, locked, glass encased notice board on the beautiful marble wall, under the light of the French Empire Chandelier with crystal accents.

Attention: WILL THOSE OF YOU WHO ARE THROWING YOUR USED RUBBERS OUT THE WINDOW, PLEASE CEASE AND DESIST. THE GARBAGEMEN WON’T PICK UP THE GARBAGE UNTIL YOU STOP!

How to run a classy place! No, that kind of notice will never do. Too plebeian.

What’s the cost of DNA testing?

Personally addressed, discrete letters, not posted, but slid under all the front doors of the west facing apartments on the upper floors of the Warwick was the answer. Risky but worth it!

The letters read something like this:

Management congratulates you on having sex and, above all, practicing safe sex. Please do not throw your used condoms out the window. We know it’s you.

Suffice it to say….the trash haulers resumed their appointed rounds the next day, free of frozen cock socks.