What is your flirting style?

Forming new connections can require a little flirting. Are you making the most out of your game?

by: E.B. Johnson

Connecting with someone new is exciting. You learn all about what makes them tick, and how they like to live. You learn what makes them laugh and what makes them excited, upset, or angry. These are the foundations on which we begin building a relationship, and they all start with the simple act of flirting. What’s your flirting style? Do you know how you tend to form bonds with someone that you’re intimately interested in?

Knowing how you flirt can make all the difference in helping you build the right connections. Our flirting style says a lot about how we bond, but it also informs the type of people we should be reaching for as well. Instead of shooting your shot in the dark, you should zero-in on how you tick and allow it to empower the way in which you connect. Identify your flirting style and you can unlock an entirely new world of opportunity and love.

Flirting makes all the difference.

In order for us to build fun and fulfilling dating lives, we have to figure out our flirting style. Flirting allows us to open the door on connection and encourages us to get comfortable with one another. It also helps us to make an early assessment of goals and general values or interests. According to researchers from the University of Kansas, the act of flirting can be broken down into 5 general categories.

Understanding these categories is the first step in pinpointing our own flirting styles. We need to know how we flirt in order to use the skill effectively. When we flirt in an authentic way, we allow ourselves to open up to others and build a rapport. This rapport smooths the path for deeper connection and encourages us to move toward one another.

Rather than spending a lot of time and effort making yourself (and those you’re interested in) feel awkward and weird, you can spend some time figuring out what style of flirting comes most naturally to you. Are you a polite flirter? A physical bond builder? The more you know yourself, the better you will be able to connect with those you want to see more of in your life.

The 5 flirting styles we use to connect.

When it comes to flirting with someone we’re interested in, there are generally 5 types of styles we rely on. For some, the playful game is the way to go. For others, tradition is the only way of finding an appropriate mate can be managed. Knowing your style can help you for these new connections on a deeper level and help you find the right people to connect with.

Being playful

The playful flirter is someone who sees the entire art of flirting as a fun and enjoyable experience. Rather than putting a lot of pressure on the act, they make a game out of it. It’s not necessarily all about getting into a relationship with this flirter all the time. They just enjoy laughing, joking, and teasing the people that they are physically or emotionally attracted to.

Physical flirters

Physical flirters tend to be a little more intense. This flirting style is marked by its focus on the expression of sexual desire. They may show interest through non-verbal behaviors like touching you or using really open body language. Desire is the name of the game to the physical flirter and it’s all about a deep and dynamic passion which physically moves them to act.

The ever-polite

One style of flirting is quite subtle and often goes missed by those not paying attention. Known as the “polite” style of flirting, this flirter is slow and cautious. They prefer to be reserved, and they prefer to follow a moral style of getting to know someone. They’re not going to rush you into the sack or show off with over-the-top antics. Polite flirters are selective and conscious of how they appear to those they are attracted to.

Genuinely sincere

Sincere flirting is one of the best when it comes to building or establishing a real relationship with someone. The focus here is creating a genuine emotional bond, which transcends beyond simple sex or having a good time together. The sincere flirter is someone who really wants to make the person they’re interested in feel comfortable and wanted. Rapport is established before moves are made.

Following tradition

Traditional flirting is one of the most prohibitive. And while it works for some, it doesn’t necessarily allow the room we need to fully express ourselves. This style of flirting focuses oon hetero-normative gender roles, and one partner doing the “chasing” while the other signals interest through subtle contact. Generally, it calls for the “male” to do the pursuing, while the “female” coquettishly gets pursued.

How to make flirting work for you.

So what flirting style are you? You may find that you are one or a combination of all the above. Whatever your style may be, the only way to make it work for you is to get out there and use it authentically. Be about what you want, take time to experiment, and remember to have fun with people you’re genuinely intrigued by.

1. Be honest about what you want

It’s impossible to figure out a flirting style that works until you figure out what you want from a relationship. Some styles are more conducive to building long-term relationships than others. Some styles bring us a good time, and others bring us a long time. Be honest about what you want, and question it often. Once you figure this out, you can style your approach to fit.

Take some time really digging around and getting into the meat of what you want from a relationship. Where are you at in your life? Are you ready to settle down? Do you want to get to really know all about someone’s hopes and fears? Are you ready to be present, supportive, and moving forward with someone else?

Get to the root of what you want, then consider how you want to open up those connections. If you’re at a stage where all that matters is physical connection and fun, focus on building a physical flirting style which cuts through the nonsense and gets right to the point. If you’re looking to settle down, then try to put your energy into a sincere or polite style which allows you to feel things out and really reassure yourself.

2. Take time to experiment

There are some out there to which flirting comes naturally. They fall right into place and understand their own nature (and needs) well enough to know how they connect with others. For some, though, it takes a little more time to figure this out. If you aren’t clear on what you want from a relationship or how you best flirt with others, take some time to experiment with things.

Get familiar with the different styles of flirting and consider how others flirt around you. What gets you interested in someone? What makes you feel comfortable with them, or more at ease? If you don’t know where to begin, think about times you were flirted with (and it made you feel good).

Try different techniques or approaches, but don’t commit to just one. For example, at this stage in your life a more superficial, or physical approach may be the one you want to take. You may not be looking for anything serious, and that’s okay. Likewise, if a traditional approach is what appeals to you on a personal level — that approach may be the one you want to pursue for a time.

3. Let your style develop naturally

Like any other skill in this life, flirting is an art form which comes differently to each of us. For some, the physical is where they are most comfortable. For others, a traditional game of chase-and-tease is what gets the interest going. Whatever your style is, you have to let it come to your naturally. Feel your way around. What are you looking for in a relationship and how does that drive you to connect with the people you’re intrigued by?

You don’t have to force things or push things into places which are uncomfortable. You can be yourself and find the person who perfectly complements what you need and want. A lot of it comes down to being true to yourself and having the patience not to settle.

If you’re awkward, the people you’re flirting with are going to feel it. Be yourself. Calm down. Take it easy on yourself and take it easy on the people you choose to engage with. You don’t have to get everything right, and you don’t have to go all-in on every person you decide to take an interest in. Knowing what you want, choose to be yourself and allow everything to come as it will.

4. Don’t force a bad fit

There’s this toxic idea that a lot of us carry, and it’s that we have to give everyone a chance, or that we have to make something work in order to meet some imaginary (society-enforced) “deadline”. There’s no timeline for a good relationship. Some of us may fall into the right thing out of high school, some of us may find it when we’re 50. It doesn’t matter. Happiness is what matters and pursuing only those things which are rewarding and fulfilling.

Don’t force a bad fit with someone. Don’t flirt with someone you’re not interested in. Don’t try to connect on a deeper level with someone who creeps you out or repulses you. You don’t have to settle for less than you want and less than you need. If the connection is made and it doesn’t click, look for something else.

On the same end of that, don’t try to force someone else to be into you. If someone doesn’t seem receptive, don’t try to change what comes naturally to you. We click or we don’t, sometimes. You don’t need to change who you are to get someone who isn’t going to align with you. You need to be who you are and wait until you come across the person who gets who you are and what you’re trying to sell them.

5. Remember to have fun with it

Flirting, first and foremost, should be a fun affair for everyone involved. It’s not a performance. You shouldn’t feel like you’re pretending to be someone you’re not, or engaging in behavior that makes you feel awkward or anxious. If you’re feeling off, then the person you’re attempting to flirt with will feel it too. We connect with others when we feel comfortable with them, and the quickest way to that goal is by remembering to have fun with it.

Avoid putting too much pressure on yourself or those you’re interested in. While every new relationship has the potential to be “the one” — it also has the equal amount of potential to be nothing at all. We can’t see the future. What we can do is open up and knowing that (if nothing else) we get to experience the joy of meeting someone new.

Enjoy yourselves. No matter what your flirting style is, have fun with it. Laugh with one another. Look for enjoyable and exciting new experiences you can engage in together. Don’t weigh one another down with expectations that don’t make sense at this stage. Get to know who the other person is and compare that against the things you need in a partner and a partnership. Flirting doesn’t have to be high pressure. Build a rapport with fun.

Putting it all together…

What’s your flirting style? Are you a polite flirter? Or an eternal traditionalist? The way we connect with others is important and can go a long way to informing the type of intimate partnerships we build for ourselves in life. Identify your flirting style and you can learn to make the most of your relationship-building skills.

Be honest about what you want in a partner or a relationship. Do you want a long-term, forever commitment? Or are you looking for something more temporary and superficial? We all want different things, and the style of flirting we rely on is affected by these desires. Take time and experiment. See what works for you and what brings you closer to people you really connect with. Don’t force anything. Allow your style to develop naturally and get comfy at a natural pace. If the person you like isn’t a good fit (or they don’t seem to appreciate your advances) — let it go. Remember to have fun with it, though. Meeting someone new goes much smoother when we build a rapport and ensure there’s lot of laughter and joy involved in the process.