Flirting: A Guide for the Menopausal Woman
The question isn’t whether you’ve got game (you do); it’s if you still want to play
You’re still a force to be reckoned with. You are still sexy as hell and you’ve still got game — even though it’s moved to the pickleball court.
Your hair may be silver, your boobs a bit saggy, and your knees a bit crunchy, but you are still a vixen and no Medicare card can say otherwise. You have needs and desires — mostly to get your lawn mowed and your beds mulched.
Doesn’t matter if you’re single or married — a girl needs to keep her flirt game on point. If a husband’s eyes wander, you want it to be towards your chicken neck and not some other hen’s.
That being said, our memories aren’t quite what they used to be, and some of us may require a little reminder of how to kick things up a notch. Not to worry — it’s like riding a bike. Once you remember where you left it, you’ll be wheeling around the cul-de-sac in no time.
Bat your eye lashes — but caution if you have those magnetic or fake Tammy Faye’s lest they go flying off into the salad bar.
Men love physical attention. Reach across the table and gently stroke his hand or hold his arm as you’re walking. Note: Remember to lotion up and/or wear gloves.
Don’t be afraid to show a little ankle. Trust me — he’ll be happy with an ankle — any skin is good. He won’t notice the dry, crepey legs once you’re in the sack, but you’ve got to get him in there first. Varicose veins? No worry — make a game of it. Tell him to use them as a map to find your sweet spot.
Give him the come hither look, but be careful when rotating your neck. The last time I did that, I found myself in the hands of a chiropractor — although he was quite dishy.
Use a hot flash to your advantage. Whisper softly, “I’m hot for you…can you get me an iced tea and a cold, damp cloth?”
Wear the good Birkenstocks — the ones you normally save for your weekly Costco runs. The ones that say, “Come fuck me, but from a comfortable, missionary position.”
Remember — men have fragile egos and love to be complimented and adored. Try saying things like, “Those green crocs match your eyes” or “You really carry those extra 25 pounds well.”
Whatever you do — let him win always. On the pickleball court. Playing Yahtzee. Let him think he solved Wordle before you.
The way to a man’s heart is still through his belly. Food equals love — just remember no dairy, no heavy sauces, and definitely no beans aka legumes.
You may need to replace passion with patience, i.e., patience getting him down the hall into the bedroom. Knee replacements are no joke.
Sexy lingerie is optional. Frankly speaking, I’m challenged getting a sports bra on and off so a teddy is out of the question. Do what makes you feel great, and doesn’t require a team to help you into.
Speaking of bras, I highly recommend going braless whenever possible. If you’re dating age appropriate, the likelihood that he can find a bra hook is debatable. If he can, you’ve scored yourself a keeper.
If you’re married, flirting is even more challenging. If you’re still speaking by dinner, well done. You have obviously mastered flirting and should be the one writing this article.
Still, it’s important not to let the coals of love grow cold. Stoke the fires. Even if you’re not ripping off bodices in the boudoir, remember that intimacy doesn’t have to be about sex. It can be about little, thoughtful gestures like helping him with his CPAP machine or laying out his nightly meds or not calling him out every time he lets one rip.
Ladies — you’ve still got it — it’s just a matter of whether or not you still want to be on the court returning balls.
P.S. If you want to flirt with me, try emptying the dishwasher. And those beds aren’t going to mulch themselves.
