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landed on my swatter hand. I could’ve sworn I heard a teeny tiny “Nyah, nyah” before he zoomed off.We’ve all heard the expression,“Wish I’d been a fly on the wall.”Every time I hear that I think of the movie The Fly. Not the 50’s Vincent Price classic, but the 1989 bleck one starring Jeff Goldblum and Geena Davis. Particularly, I remember the scene where half-fly Goldblum is crawling on a wall much to Geena’s screaming chagrin when she came over to have dinner with him.But I don’t think it would work, being a fly on the wall. First of all a person-sized fly would be very noticeable. I can picture myself a fly on the wall in the Situation Room of the White House. The President would see me and say, “Look back there at that fly on the wall. Fake fly. He’s very bad. He’s the worst fly on the wall ever. We will rid this room of flies on the walls unlike anything you’ve ever seen. I’ve killed more flies than any American President, I can tell you that. I call him ‘Flyboy Phil.’ Very bad, he’s a disgrace to flies on the wall everywhere, I can tell you that.”I also think flies are meticulous planners in their annoyance skills. You can tell that by how they rub their front legs together. I watched two of them the other day land on picnic table. One started rubbing its front legs together, and I imagined this conversation:“Let’s get that old bald guy. I bet I can make him swear.”Number two started dancing back and forth. “Heh, heh. Yeah, easy pickins.”“Okay, you buzz around his head and land on one of his earlobes. He’ll swing at you.”<figure id="81c7"><img src="https://cdn-images-1.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:800/1*vnGZ7SDv8QMxno3OokN3tg.png"><figcaption>Fly Planning Chart — Image by <a href="https://pixabay.com/users/geralt-9301/?utm_source=link-attribution&utm_medium=referral&utm_campaign=image&utm_content=1577983">Gerd Altmann</a> from <a href="https://pixabay.com/?utm_source=link-attribution&utm_medium=referral&utm_campaign=image&utm_content=1577983">Pixabay</a></figcaption></figure>“Heh, heh.” Number Two started rubbing his front legs, too. “Homo Erectus are so predictable. Always think they’re going to catch us in mid-air like the Karate Kid.”“Yeah, and while you’re doing that, I’m going to zoom back and forth in front

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of his face, then land on his nose. Bet you a roadkill he’ll smack himself in the the proboscis.”“HAHAHAHAHA! Yeah, let’s do it!”Flies also rub their back legs together, but I thinks that’s just to show off and for taunting— “Hey, old bald guy. Bet you can’t do this.” Flies are experts at trash talk. They invented it.And flies will bite you, but only if you ignore them. If they don’t get a rise out of you with their buzzing and landing on you, they’ll resort to biting. Being bitten by a housefly is for real unpleasant, but nothing compared to being bitten by their bigger brothers and sisters, the Horse Fly. Ask any horse. A bite from one of those big sons of bitches (or bitches) will make you scream like an eight year old girl and allow you reach new levels of enlightenment in the religion of swearology.It’s no wonder the Devil owns flies, but there is one bit of karma with the beasties. When the weather gets colder they slow down and you don’t have to be Bruce Lee to kill them. They become easy pickins even for old bald guys. I pity the fools who live in tropical climates.<h2 id="c55e">Hey, thanks for reading my stuff. I sincerely appreciate your time.</h2>Let’s keep in touch: Phil @ PhilTruman.comAnd to show my appreciation, I’d like to give you a free copy of my short story collection, <a href="http://www.philtruman.com">Skins Game</a>. Click the image to go to my website. When you join my readers group, I’ll send you an e-copy of Skins Game in the format of your choice.<figure id="8d2d"><img src="https://cdn-images-1.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:800/1*q5Cq_ev_pNUq9nFkIBFnVA.jpeg"><figcaption></figcaption></figure>I’d also like to acknowledge some terrific writers and colleagues here on <a href="https://medium.com/illumination">ILLUMINATION</a>. Please give them a read, too. This week’s Dazzling Dozen: <a href="undefined">P.G. Barnett</a>, <a href="undefined">Dr Mehmet Yildiz</a>, <a href="undefined">John Kremer</a>, <a href="undefined">Tim Maudlin</a>, <a href="undefined">JeffHerring.com</a>, <a href="undefined">Jacquelyn Lynn</a>, <a href="undefined">Nomanono Isaacs</a>, <a href="undefined">Marjorie J McDonald</a>, <a href="undefined">Cindy Richardson</a>, <a href="undefined">Linda Caroll</a>, <a href="undefined">Ann K Frailey</a>, <a href="undefined">Elliot Ames</a>.</article></body>

Flies are Smarter than They Look

Don’t let those bug eyes fool you

***Musca domestica:*** **Smart Fly** — Photo by Philip Veater on Unsplash

I hate flies.

I mean, who doesn’t, right? Not only are they nasty, disgusting, regurgitating dumpster-dwellers, they’re obnoxious. I think they plan it that way, it’s all a part of their lifestyle.

According to Wikipedia, flies have been around since the beginning of the Cenozoic Era. For those of you who don’t watch the Science Channel or Ancient Aliens, that’s what pre-historic scientists started calling earth time the day after, scientifically speaking, that big-assed asteroid took out the dinosaurs. I know Cenozoic is a weird name, but they were caveman scientists, so what do you expect.

Flies came out on the first day of the Cenozoic Era because they had all those dead dinosaurs to buzz around and lay eggs on. That was 65 million years ago, so they’ve been around much longer than all of Darwin’s ancestors, who, according to post-caveman scientists, have only been on earth for about 3 million years, give or take. No wonder they — flies, not scientists — like to pester us. It was like we were homo erectus (weird caveman scientist sense of humor) freshmen (or freshpersons for you Woke-ists) and they were mean Musca domestica (caveman scientists again) seniors.

**Swing and a miss like swatting flies —** Image by Keith Johnston from Pixabay

Here’s what I mean. Did you ever notice that flies will buzz around and annoy the heck out of you until you pick up a fly swatter, then they’ll vanish? I had one today do that. I sat in a frozen position for five minutes, swatter cocked waiting for it to alight within striking distance, and the little bastard landed on my swatter hand. I could’ve sworn I heard a teeny tiny “Nyah, nyah” before he zoomed off.

We’ve all heard the expression,

“Wish I’d been a fly on the wall.”

Every time I hear that I think of the movie The Fly. Not the 50’s Vincent Price classic, but the 1989 bleck one starring Jeff Goldblum and Geena Davis. Particularly, I remember the scene where half-fly Goldblum is crawling on a wall much to Geena’s screaming chagrin when she came over to have dinner with him.

But I don’t think it would work, being a fly on the wall. First of all a person-sized fly would be very noticeable. I can picture myself a fly on the wall in the Situation Room of the White House. The President would see me and say, “Look back there at that fly on the wall. Fake fly. He’s very bad. He’s the worst fly on the wall ever. We will rid this room of flies on the walls unlike anything you’ve ever seen. I’ve killed more flies than any American President, I can tell you that. I call him ‘Flyboy Phil.’ Very bad, he’s a disgrace to flies on the wall everywhere, I can tell you that.”

I also think flies are meticulous planners in their annoyance skills. You can tell that by how they rub their front legs together. I watched two of them the other day land on picnic table. One started rubbing its front legs together, and I imagined this conversation:

“Let’s get that old bald guy. I bet I can make him swear.”

Number two started dancing back and forth. “Heh, heh. Yeah, easy pickins.”

“Okay, you buzz around his head and land on one of his earlobes. He’ll swing at you.”

**Fly Planning Chart —** Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay

“Heh, heh.” Number Two started rubbing his front legs, too. “Homo Erectus are so predictable. Always think they’re going to catch us in mid-air like the Karate Kid.”

“Yeah, and while you’re doing that, I’m going to zoom back and forth in front of his face, then land on his nose. Bet you a roadkill he’ll smack himself in the the proboscis.”

“HAHAHAHAHA! Yeah, let’s do it!”

Flies also rub their back legs together, but I thinks that’s just to show off and for taunting— “Hey, old bald guy. Bet you can’t do this.” Flies are experts at trash talk. They invented it.

And flies will bite you, but only if you ignore them. If they don’t get a rise out of you with their buzzing and landing on you, they’ll resort to biting. Being bitten by a housefly is for real unpleasant, but nothing compared to being bitten by their bigger brothers and sisters, the Horse Fly. Ask any horse. A bite from one of those big sons of bitches (or bitches) will make you scream like an eight year old girl and allow you reach new levels of enlightenment in the religion of swearology.

It’s no wonder the Devil owns flies, but there is one bit of karma with the beasties. When the weather gets colder they slow down and you don’t have to be Bruce Lee to kill them. They become easy pickins even for old bald guys. I pity the fools who live in tropical climates.

Hey, thanks for reading my stuff. I sincerely appreciate your time.

Let’s keep in touch: Phil @ PhilTruman.com

And to show my appreciation, I’d like to give you a free copy of my short story collection, Skins Game. Click the image to go to my website. When you join my readers group, I’ll send you an e-copy of Skins Game in the format of your choice.

I’d also like to acknowledge some terrific writers and colleagues here on ILLUMINATION. Please give them a read, too. This week’s Dazzling Dozen: P.G. Barnett, Dr Mehmet Yildiz, John Kremer, Tim Maudlin, JeffHerring.com, Jacquelyn Lynn, Nomanono Isaacs, Marjorie J McDonald, Cindy Richardson, Linda Caroll, Ann K Frailey, Elliot Ames.