CE-oh Crap, Is This Intercom On?

Flexible Work Patterns Improve Work Life Balance

I do not pay for seat warmers.

My new employee asked to work from home. She started to tell me the reason. I put my pointer and middle fingers to her lips and shushed her. I told her, “there’s no need to apologize, and I don’t need to know the details”. I mentally forgave her for getting lipstick on my fingers.

My philosophy on office time is as follows. I’m not into seat warmers. I won’t pay for them.

Come into the office? Fine.

9–5? Fine.

8–8:18? Fine.

Work from a Tijuana strip club while they’re actively milking you in the champagne room? Fine.

I don’t need to know you’re late because you needed to grab your latest Shein purchase at your sugar daddy’s house.

Everybody works at a different pace, including foot pic side hustlers. You choose how you get your work done. This infantilization has become so extreme that employees see the need to apologize for having personal lives. You don’t see executives such as myself apologizing for doing coke at Midgolf and coming up with new ways to cash out our shares before yours become vested.

Again, I am not a clock watcher. The effects of coke, caffeine, and kava abuse keep me from comprehending the passage of time anyway. I trust you to get your job done, and I’m barely paying attention unless you’re my hold off swing. If you have a meeting with a hitman at a time that can’t be changed, take that meeting. As long as I get my superyacht by Q3 and cheek implants some time next year.

Keep clients happy. I am happy.

Flexible work patterns were the future, and now they’re the present. Now lets get out there and wreck some holes during the work day. At Midgolf.

Agree?

Victor “Diesel” Cardenas is Founder, CEO, and Chief Demographer at HeadCase Industries.