How to Fix the NBA All-Star Game
Like you wouldn’t block out your entire weekend to watch a 3-on-3 tournament...
The NBA All-Star Game is broken. The players don’t care, there’s no defense to be found, and everyone trades deep threes and alley-oop attempts all game in a glorified layup line. What was once a fun, sometimes competitive affair has become a throwaway event. And the NBA knows it.
They tried to spice things up this year by mixing up the teams with a schoolyard pick’em, but they screwed that up too by refusing to air the picks live on television. Wasn’t that the whole point? We needed to know who got picked last, and the players did too. Throw it out. Throw the whole thing out. We’re changing the entire weekend. We’re letting the 24 All-Stars play a 3-on-3 tournament
Eight teams of three. Ten million dollars. Winner take all.
All-Star Weekend begins Friday night with the usual celebrity game, but it’s just the amuse bouche for the night’s marquee event: the live televised 3-on-3 draft. Saturday the tourney kicks off with four Round 1 games. Between games, they can still do the dunk contest, the 3-point shootout, and the skills comp. Done and done. Sunday is the main event: the semis and the finals.
It’s the NBA event of the year, bigger than the Finals, more fun than July 1 free agency or the trade deadline. It’s the All-Star Weekend event we want. It’s the All-Star Weekend we deserve.
Ground Rules
- We’re using the 24 actual All-Stars. Injured guys obviously can’t play, and we’ll fix the broken All-Star selection process some other time.
- The eight team captains are the All-Stars with the most fan votes. In the interest of fairness, we’ll pick in reverse order, so Anthony Davis gets the first pick of the draft as the 8th most popular All-Star. Two rounds, snake draft, so Davis picks first and last.
- You can’t draft real-life NBA teammates. Too boring.
- The winning trio splits $10 million equally. Winner take all.
- Standard three-on-three rules. Play to 21.
Draft Order
1. Anthony Davis 2. James Harden (c’mon fans!!) 3. DeMar DeRozan 4. Kyrie Irving 5. Kevin Durant 6. Steph Curry 7. Giannis Antetokounmpo 8. LeBron James
All-Star Draft Pool
Point guards Damian Lillard, Kyle Lowry, Goran Dragic, Kemba Walker, Russell Westbrook
Wings Bradley Beal, Jimmy Butler, Paul George, Victor Oladipo, Klay Thompson
Bigs LaMarcus Aldridge, Andre Drummond, Joel Embiid, Draymond Green, Al Horford, Karl-Anthony Towns
The Draft
Round 1, Pick 1 — Team Brow
Anthony Davis gets the first pick from a glut of talent, but he’ll also be stuck with whoever’s left at the end. Better get a ball handler here, and there’s only one reigning MVP on the board anyway.
The pick: Russell Westbrook
Round 1, Pick 2 — Team Beard
Harden needs a wing defender and a big man, preferably guys that can shoot. All the better if he gets a chance to recruit a key summer free agent and possible future Houston Rocket.
The pick: Paul George
Round 1, Pick 3 — Team DDR
DeRozan needs some defense and could use another handler to share the ball like he does in Toronto. Only one guy left that can do both of those things.
The pick: Jimmy Butler
Round 1, Pick 4 — Team Kyrie
Kyrie ain’t sharing this back court with nobody. He’s paired well with Al Horford, so how about someone who can do everything Horford does, but about 25% more dynamic?
The pick: Karl-Anthony Towns
Round 1, Pick 5 — Team KD
Not much strategy needed here. We already know Durant likes to surround himself with any talent available and make his life as easy as possible.
The pick: Chris Paul
Sorry, CP3 is not an All-Star for some reason. Not even after naming four injury replacements and sporting a 33–6 first-half record. Sorry KD, we don’t understand either.
The pick: Kristaps Porzingis
Oops, he’s hurt. Would’ve been fun, though.
The pick: Kevin Durant
Dude, we can literally see you posting what an awesome pick that is on social media. We know it’s you. Just take an actual pick already. Maybe someone you can try to win with, when your old teammate and archenemy couldn’t.
The pick: Victor Oladipo
Round 1, Pick 6 — Team Steph
Klay Thompson is an all too obvious pick here with Draymond on the wrap-around, and that team would’ve slaughtered everyone. Hence the no-teammates rule and the best Splash Bro actually available.
The pick: Bradley Beal
Round 1, Pick 7 — Team Freak
Giannis Antetokounmpo can do just about everything, but there’s one skill he’s sorely lacking: shooting.
The pick: Klay Thompson
Round 1, Pick 8 & Round 2, Pick 1— Team LeBron
Now Bron gets to build his three-man team, with back-to-back picks to close out the first and start the second. It’s all point guards and bigs left, so one of each makes sense.
The point guards are all good shooters, so take the most dynamic scorer a la Kyrie Irving. And we all know a certain Philly big man LeBron likes to shout out frequently on social media. Let’s have a little fun.
The picks: Damian Lillard & Joel Embiid
Round 2, Pick 2— Team Freak
Giannis is a Freak that can do everything, and Klay does one thing better than just about anyone in history. How about a more rounded player that just gets the job done?
The pick: Kyle Lowry
Round 2, Pick 3 — Team Steph
Steph has Beal as his new Splash Bro, so it’s time for a big, and one of them fits terrifyingly well in the Curry system.
The pick: Al Horford
Round 2, Pick 4 — Team KD
It’s getting to slim pickings here with only Kemba, Goran, LMA, and Drummond available for Durant’s team. He needs a little more shooting, so he’s going to have to be this team’s big man.
The pick: Kemba Walker
Round 2, Pick 5 — Team Kyrie
Irving doesn’t want to share the ball with Dragic, so it looks like he’ll be adding a big man next to Towns. Let’s just say he ain’t taking Draymond.
The pick: LaMarcus Aldridge
Round 2, Pick 6— Team DDR
It’s Costco Kobe and Jimmy G. Buckets, so they could use a little three-point range. Unfortunately, that’s only Dragic and this team would be way too small. Drummond or Draymond? Similar names, different games.
The pick: Draymond Green
Round 2, Pick 7— Team Beard
Harden effectively makes the final two selections here. That Houston team has come together pretty nicely this year. PG is the Superman version of Trevor Ariza, so how about a super-Capela to round out Team Beard?
The pick: Andre Drummond
Round 2, Pick 8 — Team Brow
Oof. This is not a fit at all. Looks like Team Brow will be playing 2-on-3... or 1-on-3 when Russ has the ball.
Mr. Irrelevant: Goran Dragic
Round 1
(1) Team LeBron vs (8) Team Brow
Everyone will tune in for the Brow vs Process matchup, and Russ vs Dame is fun, too. Just one problem. That leaves Dragic on one side and and LeBron on the other. Team Brow just has no player with even a shot at staying in front of LeBron. Is there a 3-on-3 mercy rule?
Winner: Team LeBron, 21–8
(4) Team KD vs (5) Team Kyrie
A stylistic mismatch, with Team Kyrie the only one to field two big men. Towns and Aldridge dominate early as Durant is the only big man on his roster, as Team Kyrie goes up 13–5 early. But Irving gets frustrated he hasn’t had a bucket yet and starts playing hero ball, and Team KD chips away at the lead. Two can play the mismatch game, and LMA and KAT can’t keep up with the Kemba-Durant pick-and-roll. Team KD comes all the way back to snipe the victory late.
Winner: Team KD, 21–18
(2) Team Freak vs (7) Team Beard
It’s a Rucker Park style slugfest with two tough, physical teams and more defense than anyone expected to see at All-Star Weekend. Lowry and Klay lock horns with Harden and PG, but Team Freak struggles to score. Giannis has trouble getting past Paul George and beating Drummond at the rim, and Lowry and Thompson can’t create on their own. Team Beard gets every whistle down the stretch.
Winner: Team Beard, 22–17
(3) Team Steph vs (6) Team DDR
Team Steph comes out of the gates hot with Curry and Beal trading shots from downtown. But the game quickly turns physical. Draymond batters Horford in the post and starts shutting down the high pick-and-roll, and Butler and DeRozan get up in Steph and Bradley’s grills and make life miserable. Three is greater than two, but physicality beats finesse. The refs swallow their whistle and Team DDR fights dirty and pulls away for the big upset.
Winner: Team DDR, 21–16
Semifinals
(1) Team LeBron vs (4) Team KD
Team Durant keeps running up against matchup problems. In Round 1, KD was the lone big trying to guard both Aldridge and Towns. Now he’s got to deal with both LeBron and Embiid. Turns out it really is a detriment having a 3'9 Kemba Walker at the top of your defense. This is the matchup Durant wanted, but LeBron dominates him like he always has. Team LeBron coasts.
Winner: Team LeBron, 21–12
(7) Team Beard vs (6) Team DDR
These teams mirror each other, with Butler on PG and Drummond vs Draymond. Neither Dr*mond records a single stat as the two battle for position all game in an all-out bloodbath. PG and Jimmy trade buckets and stops. But this was always coming down to the captains, and even the new, improved DeRozan is no match for the deadly efficiency of the Beard.
Winner: Team Beard, 21–15
All-Star Game 3-on-3 World Championship Finals
(1) Team LeBron vs (7) Team Beard
And so it comes to this.
LeBron, Dame, and Embiid. Harden, PG-13, and Drummond.
One game. Twenty-one points. Ten million dollars, in stacks of hundreds, suspended over the court like a WWE Money in the Bank comp.
Before the game, LeBron petitions the league to see if he can trade for Giannis and Anthony Davis. No dice. He’s going to have to stick it out with this team.
Embiid turns it over off the tip, then swats Dre’s first shot. Neither touches the ball again. PG locks onto LeBron, and it’s evident early on that we’re getting 2014 Eastern Conference Finals Paul George. He gets into LeBron, and he has him rattled.
Harden can’t stay in front of Big Game Dame, and Lillard hits an array of shots to give Team LeBron the lead at the midpoint. But Harden fights back with a couple flailing drives and step-backs of his own.
14–13, LeBrons. 15–14, Beards.
17–15, LeBrons. 18–17, Beards.
It’s back and forth action, and the crowd is buzzing. LeBron takes it to the hole to tie the game up at 20, and it’s down to one possession.
Harden takes the ball, rocking back and forth, lulling Lillard to sleep. He curls around an Embiid pick and shoulders into the lane, but LeBron comes out of nowhere for a monster game-saving block!
James pounds his chest in celebration but doesn’t notice the ball is still in play, and it bounces right out to Paul George, now alone on the wing.
George scoops the ball and goes up in one motion. It’s the commercial he’s dreamed of his entire life! The ball hangs in the air for an eternity…
It’s in!
Team Harden has done the unthinkable, knocking off LeBron and co. in the first annual NBA 3-on-3 tournament. Harden, PG, and Drummond are champs. George tells Beard he’ll join him in Houston this summer. The two cut down the Los Angeles nets as Drummond watches on.
NBA All-Star Weekend is saved.
And so is the NBA.
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