Humerotica
Five Ways to Tell if He’s Really Sexually Satisfied
Or do you leave him restless, weirded out and depressed after lovemaking?
Men are hard to read, that’s for sure. You have sex with a guy. It seemed to go well. Next thing you know he’s ghosting you? Was it something you said? Was it the way that you fucked? What went wrong, exactly? Now you’re going to be naturally gun shy. Next time you start sleeping with a guy you are going to fall into the trap of paranoia, unsure if things are on course sexually speaking, or if this show is going to be canceled soon. Who knows, there still might be time to change course and give him what he really wants in bed — if only you knew what that was — help!
You could just ask him.
Yeah, this happens sometimes, but I’m not sure I’m in favor of it. Brave women sometimes ask men afterwards, “How was that?” What is a guy supposed to say to that, though? Really, no matter how mediocre and perfunctory it was, he’s going to answer “Great.”
Short of bringing a polygraph into the bedroom, there is really no way of knowing if he’s telling the truth.
Better to just not ask, and keep it as an elephant in the room that neither of you ever acknowledges: oh there it is, that elephant that we created with our kind of clumsy, not-really-that-satisfying fumbling around and pawing each other that we called sex. Yeah, let’s pretend we don’t see that. Call me!
Never mind, Christine is here to help.
Instead of actually talking about it, it’s better for you to become a kind of relationship detective and read the subtle clues that your boyfriend leaves at the “scene of the crime” (your bed). There are signs of sexual fulfillment, satisfaction and contentment in the male, but you have to have a good magnifying glass and you have to know how to read them. Then you will be ahead of the game and your sleuthing will pay off big time — at least when he dumps you it won’t come as a surprise. Or, on the other hand, when he announces that he’d like to officially be your girlfriend, you won’t be so shocked that you’ll go running around in circles with your hands waving in the air yelling “He picked me! He picked me!”
So here are the five most common signs that things went well in the sack:
1. He has that dumb smile on his face.
Yep, you know the one — it’s the same face he makes when you serve him a double-decker sandwich with pickles. He’s a happy little camper. It’s a good thing guys can’t see themselves when they make their happy face, cause they do look dopey, that’s for sure. But it’s cute! I love it after I make my guy come and he looks at me with that face, like he’s a little boy and someone just handed him a lollipop.
Are you his lollipop? Of course, you are! You’re all this little boy has. If you’re not behaving like you are his favorite treat, then you’ve got it all wrong, girlfriend.
It’s a matter of visualization. Pick your guy’s favorite indulgence and imagine you are that. For instance, My boyfriend really likes hot caramel sundaes. So when he fucks me I imagine that I am a hot caramel sundae. My sexy ass is the ice cream. My pussy is hot caramel. When he cums in me that’s the whipped cream. And my clit is the cherry on top. It seems to really work because he makes this noise when he’s fucking me: “Mmmm mmmmm mmmm.” Like he’s eating something yummy, sweet and delicious — me!
But my boyfriend also really loves pizza, too. If I’m feeling thin that day I will imagine I am a thin crust pizza. My nipples are the pepperoni on the pizza. And my pussy is the anchovies — yeah, most guys really like anchovy pizza, don’t they? If I’m feeling a little bloated like one does sometimes, I’ll be a Chicago style deep dish style pizza as my boyfriend goes balls deep into the dish, if you know what I mean. The point is, you are something your boyfriend just loves to snack on. Yes, you could even be a bag of cheesy popcorn. my boyfriend loves Pirate Bootie, and guess what, he’s pirated my bootie plenty of times.
And just in case you are a feminist and think I’m objectifying myself, stand back sister. It works both ways. Sometimes I imagine my boyfriend is a big kielbasa. I barbecue him, fork him and throw him on a bun (the bed). Then I devour him.
2. He wants to do it again — right away.
So, he’s got that dumb look on his face, great. But how do you know he’s not faking? Well, here’s how — does he want to fuck you again right away, as soon as he finishes? If not — red flag. He might be putting on a happy dumb face to trick you into thinking he likes you. But then tomorrow he will dump you. Because he doesn’t really like you. If he did, why wouldn’t he want to fuck you again, like right away?
Oh, I know, I’ve heard about that thing, the refractory period, where supposedly some guys need like up to 24 hours before they can have another orgasm. I read about that on the internet. But you know what? That sounds like something a girl made up whose boyfriend really wasn’t that into her. Or, maybe the boyfriend made it up. She asked him plaintively, “How come you don’t want to fuck me again right away, Dan?” Uh… because of the refractory period. Yeah, it doesn’t sound like a real thing — it‘s a flux capacitor, if you ask me, something a tricky sneaky guy made up to fool us.
Here’s the thing — when you serve a guy a nice piece of meat that you’ve grilled, what does he say when you ask him if he wants a second helping. “Oh yes please!” What guy says no to a second piece of meat?
Well, aren’t you a nice piece of meat? Of course, you are. Again, it’s a matter of visualization.
Imagine as he is fucking you that he is the grill and you are the steak thrown on the grill. Imagine those searing grill marks are going through your flesh as he fucks you from behind. You can even make sound effects, like “Szzzzzzz” as he “grills” you.
Then, after he comes in you, give him a nice smile and ask him if he would like some more?
That will get his juices flowing, and he’ll be right back on top of you. Unless of course, he’s planning on breaking up with you later tonight, in which case he will decline the second helping and fall alseep.
Darn! Oh well, better luck next time.
3. He came a lot — like over 8 ounces.
It’s a good idea to keep a little scientific scale and some Petri dishes on the side table next to the bed. If you get him to cum right into the Petri dish, that’s great. But if he’s not into that, just have him cum on your tits, as usual, scoop up quickly and put it in the dish. In the unlikely event that he is using a condom, ask him to give it to you afterwards so you can pour in the man mayo and measure it.
The really satisfied boyfriend will cum loads and loads, everyone knows that. But what if it’s just a little 2-ounce squirt? Does that definitely mean that he’s not that into you?
Not necessarily. There are some guys who are not very manly and don’t cum very much at all.
Don’t be dispirited if you are not getting a good half pint of spooge every time you make love. There are some things you can do to make your man more manly. For instance, a survival trip. Drop him on an island with limited supplies, say a pocket knife and a compass, and tell him you’ll pick him up in a week.
If he doesn’t die, he will “cum” back a new man, I guarantee it.
4. He rolls over.
I know, a lot of girls panic when their guy just rolls over after sex and doesn’t want to cuddle.
“Hold me!” they will whine.
Yeah, that’s a sure-fire way to get dumped.
Guys don’t like to cuddle, ‘kay, just get that. You know who likes to cuddle? Little babies and little puppies. Is that what you want? Or do you want a real man, one who will keep coming back to fuck you like a stud?
Have you ever seen a stallion fuck? You should watch it, it’s quite something. I used to work at a horse farm but you can probably find it on Youtube. After a stallion fucks the shit out of a mare and shoots like three gallons of horse jizzum into her loins, do you think he wants to cuddle her? No. Do you know what a real stallion does after he fucks? He stands up on his two hind feet and goes “Neiiiiiiigggggh!” to the sky, which is his way of saying “Awesome, thanks!” And then he fucks off.
If there is another mare in the field he will actually jump on her and start humping!
See, that’s what men do who are really happy after they fuck. They roll over. Have a little sleep. Then they jump out of bed and beat their chest a bit like they are the king ape, and they go, “Awesome! Thanks, honey. Gotta go. There’s a game on.”
And then they go watch the game.
The best thing you can do is make him a doubledecker sandwich and bring it to him in the TV room. And be happy. Your guy is happy. He’s not going to dump you. Yay!
But, what if he spoons you and wants to cuddle? In my experience that’s a bad sign. He didn’t like fucking you. He’s going to dump you. But he feels pity for you.
That’s what I feel when I guy tries to cuddle me — pity. So I usually elbow him out of the way and kick him out of the bed and tell him to go to hell. That will make him think twice before being vulnerable with me again!
5. He gives you five stars.
Oh, you didn’t know? Guys give ratings to their sex partners. It’s kind of like Airbnb. They post a review, and you can find out what he really felt about the “accommodations.”
Were you a super host? Hope so.
Oh, where do you find these ratings? Actually, they are not that easy to come across, because the whole rating system is done between him and his male friends, and it is protected by a firewall that is almost impenetrable — it’s called the man code.
A guy will tell his best buddy probably the next day how it was to fuck you. And if he gives you five stars, there’s really no problem. You can easily hear about that. His best buddy will kind of refer to it obliquely the next time you meet, “Hey, I hear you and Josh had a pretty great time the other night. Good for you guys.”
But if things didn’t go well and he gave you a one-star rating and complained about something specific — a bad odor in the Airbnb? A faucet that seemed to be dripping? — his buddy is going to keep that to himself, but never mind, there are ways to find out.
On the spy equipment web sites you can buy a little bug that you can place in your boyfriend’s wallet, so when he gets together with his buddy after he fucks you, the conversation will be transmitted to a white van that you purchase where you keep the receivers, the headphones and the large antennas that are required to receive the signal.
But be prepared to be disappointed. The amount of time he will actually devote to discussing you — you who thought you were the center of the universe! Ha! — compared to the amount of time he will spend discussing video games and idiotic things they’ve seen on TikTok, is extremely small. Like you will get one percent and the rest of his inane interests will get 99 — if you’re lucky.
Most likely, you’ll get a “pretty good, yeah.”
Wow. You staked out his house and waited for 15 hours, peeing in a cup, btw, all so you could hear exactly how unimportant you really are to him? Was that worth it?
I mean, what did you expect? For him to open up his heart and confess to his best buddy that sex with you was a poetic awakening and a stirring of his too-long suppressed sensitive side and that he cried afterwards in the bathroom by himself because it was still too early in the relationship to trust those kinds of expressions of pure emotion. And then his best buddy will hug high five him and say, “Awesome dude, sounds like you found THE ONE!”
Not bloody likely!
So to review…
There is a way to tell if he likes fucking you. It’s very complicated and it might not work, but this what you do: pretend you are an ice cream sundae, make him dip his spoon in at least twice, ensure that it’s at least an 8-ounce serving, kick him out of the diner after he finishes and keep your fingers crossed that he gives a five-star rating on Yelp.
Hope this helps!