Five Ways to Manage Emotional Turbulence

I have a long history of shooting myself in the foot with my emotions.

In the wake of strong feelings like resentment or tenderness, I either stuff them or allow the dynamite to explode in unsafe ways.

I told one person at a committee meeting that was bugging me

“You are full of shit”

And for years I regretted that eruption of emotion on my part.

An attempt to understand my emotions is one reason I became a psychologist forty years ago.

Recently, I was listening to a podcast discussion by Jungian analysts and had an “A-ha” moment about my hurt self.

The group talked about the function of childhood defenses: that these defenses protect us amidst hurtful situations.

However, later, in adulthood, those same defenses can sabotage us.

Bingo. I no longer needed old ways of coping with hurt or scared feelings.

Here’s how.

Own It, Don’t Stuff It

Just the other day, a dear friend who is in the process of dying left us a voicemail.

Kris, my wife, cried while I clammed up.

I didn’t have to stuff my emotions.

Psychological pain never disappears completely.

It just weaves its way into the fabric of our lives.

As a therapist once told me, the body never forgets. Trauma leaves an imprint. Like the old “duck and dive under your desk” exercises in school during the Cold War years, I hid from incoming memories of the past or any pain.

There was a better way to respond to our friend’s death.

Another person framed the loss as,

“Feeling his absence will always be a presence.”

I guess that’s why many memorial services are labeled “celebrations of the person’s life.”

Find a Plausible Explanation

Every feeling tells a story that can be a source of helpful information.

I had an authoritarian father who demanded a yes to his every irrational whim.

My reaction was to rebel internally, drag my feet, and think, “Hell no, I will not go.”

No wonder then that I have problems with unfair authority figures.

It is helpful in current heated moments to say to myself

“This guy is behaving just like my father.”

“This guy is not my father. What good will it do for me to overreact ?”

Hit the Hold Button

We all need a good set of breaks regarding raw emotions.

It’s not unhelpful to scream and shout and get our feelings out.

Venting only exacerbates the problem by inflaming the situation and inviting a “fight fire with fire” reaction.

It’s more helpful to allow ourselves the feeling and self-regulate by accessing an inner source of wisdom.

Here we could ask,

“How will I regret saying what my spleen drives me to say?”

“What have I done in the past to successfully take ‘time out’ from this intense feeling?”

Declare Yourself Temporarily Crazy.

We can become irrational or thoughtless in a fight or flight moment.

Your boss chews you out, and you think, “I’ll resign.”

You and your partner argue, and you think, “I’ll get a divorce.”

That’s crazy stuff, folks.

I sometimes become very irrational when I wake up at 2am and grind away at some problem in living.

In such moments, I’ve learned to declare myself insane.

Here, I don’t make significant decisions that I will regret later.

It’s incredible how the rising sun, a splash of cold water on the face, and strong coffee will restore our sanity.

In Silence, Remind Yourself Who You Really Are

A more spiritual perspective on unruly emotions is an excellent self-regulation strategy.

We can affirm our true nature by declaring,

“I am not my body, emotions, or the story I tell myself.”

“This is a temporary situation. I’m an eternal being”

We are eternal souls having a somewhat fragile/messy human experience.

Solitude is the key to shifting and merging with this ever-present self.

It’s helpful to the experience our turbulent emotions like they are waves above the depths of an eternal ocean of consciousness.