Five Things You Shouldn’t Say to Someone Going Through a Crisis

Bite your tongue if you must, but refrain from these unhelpful phrases

Like you, I’ve been through some stressful and all-consuming trials in my life. When my oldest son was born we found out that he had a rare liver disease. The first year of his life was a lesson for me in all the things I’d never say to someone going through a crisis.

This list is not exhaustive; I welcome your comments! But it will get you started in case you get tongue-tied in the face of tragedy or want to be helpful but don’t feel equipped with the right words.

Let me know if there is anything I can do. What you are really saying here is, I hope you don't ask. Most of us don't want to be a burden and we do our best to carry our own problems. I don't like to ask for help. That’s probably a weakness on my part but if you offer something specific I won’t turn you down.

Instead of saying, let me know if there is anything I can do, please take the initiative and do it. Find out when the family will return from the hospital and be there with dinner. Place the money in the envelope and slide it under their door. Grab a friend and a mop and go over and clean. Don't wait to be asked.

In the midst of a crisis, we usually can’t think of what we need. Our mental capacity is consumed with getting through the next minute, hour, day. Please don’t ask your overtaxed friend to come up with a list of things that you can do to help. Make that list yourself.

Well, it could be worse. I once had a stranger say this to me when she heard that my son had life-threatening liver disease. I was so taken aback that I blurted back to her, “How do you know?” She was speechless.

Indeed, how did she know? Did she have a baby with a chronic and rare liver disease too? What made his disease less serious than the baby with a heart condition or a birth defect? How could she have known his prognosis (66% chance of needing a liver transplant) and all the other collateral effects from the surgery he had at seven-weeks-old to save his life? Did she understand what the constant onslaught of antibiotics was doing to his digestive system or the emotional and financial toll his illness was taking on our family?

I think this may have been the most callous thing anyone ever said to me throughout that particular crisis. You don’t have to carry on with sugary sympathy when you hear of someone’s tragedy or pain but refrain from making blanket statements that hold no truth or value to the hearer.

Everything happens for a reason. This is akin to the pastor who told me that my son had asthma because I had “sin in my home.” To this day, I am not sure what “sin” he was referring to but I know that he wasn’t bearing witness to the Spirit of Christ for me. In the gospels I see Jesus offering grace, mercy, and healing to all who came to Him. Even when He would have been in the right to judge a woman caught in adultery (according to Jewish law), he offered mercy and pardon.

Don’t tell someone that their pain has happened “for a reason” whether you mean their actions have caused it or that God is trying to “teach them a lesson.”

The Bible also assures me that God is a good Father, one who does not give evil to His children so it’s not a flattering image to portray a merciful God as one who purposefully inflicts pain and tragedy on His children.

Would any of you who are fathers give your son a stone when he asks for bread? Or would you give him a snake when he asks for a fish? As bad as you are, you know how to give good things to your children. How much more, then, will your Father in heaven give good things to those who ask him! (Matthew 7:9–11, GNT)

Maybe, after leaning into the arms of Christ, and after some distance from the crisis, we all can see lessons we have learned from our ordeals. Maybe we can even be grateful for what we went through because it taught us to lean on God and it strengthened our faith.

Maybe, on the other side of it. But not in the midst of it. In the middle it feels hard and it’s painful and if we are all honest we want to pass through it quickly. We don’t want to learn lessons or find strength in our weakness. We want deliverance and a miracle.

We all have our cross to bear. This is just another useless religious line that needs to be removed from a Christian’s repertoire. When Jesus referred to carrying our cross to follow Him He wasn’t insinuating that sickness, financial destitution, the pain of betrayal, or the loss of our house in a flood were the cost to follow Him.

This line is nothing more than a weak believer’s excuse to dismiss themselves from entering into your pain. It allows one to distance themselves, pretend they are showing sympathy, and feel spiritual all at the same time. Yet, true Christianity is messy. It’s the willingness to get in the middle of the pain with another. To pick up their burden and carry it with them, much like Simon who bore the cross for Jesus to Golgotha. It’s empathy.

I understand exactly what you are going through. You probably don’t because each situation is nuanced and unique, but you might have experienced something similar, in which case you have an opportunity to offer comfort.

If you’ve not experienced what your friend is going through, please don’t say you understand.

A few years back, my friend lost her daughter in a car accident. I cried for weeks for her. I prayed daily for her strength. I sent her cards and Facebook messages to let her know I was thinking of her, but I never once said, I understand what you are going through.

Because I didn’t.

I had never lost a child.

Sometimes in our zeal to help we come across as a reformed two-pack-a-day smoker who has seen the light. We want to offer advice, platitudes, suggestions, and enlightenment when what we need to offer are comfort and compassion.

In times of tragedy if you don’t know what to say to someone who is suffering, please don’t pour salt into the wound. Just climb in the hole with them and bite your tongue if you must!

This story is published in Koinonia — stories by Christians to encourage, entertain, and empower you in your faith, food, fitness, family, and fun.

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