Five Things Not To Say To A Young Widow

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the sea, please don’t approach me with all the possibilities for my future. My feet are firmly planted in the present and trying to remember to brush my teeth and shower semi-regularly. If you start shoving this phrase down my throat before I can stomach it, I might just throw up on your shoes.</p><h2 id="6e49">3. Thoughts and prayers.</h2><p id="137b">Nowadays, when I see this appear in the long list of sympathies expressed after the announcement of a loss, I quietly laugh to myself. I understand the sentiment, truly, I do, but this phrase means nothing. It exists as a way to insert yourself into someone else’s grief for a moment, make yourself feel better, and then move along without another thought. Please, please, just don’t. Offer a memory you have of the deceased, offer to help with some random task, or simply stay quiet. Every comment made offering condolences causes the grief-stricken spouse to feel compelled to respond. By all means, think about the person and pray for them, but do it without the need for acknowledgment that it has happened.</p><h2 id="d473">4. I know exactly how you feel.</h2><p id="1a4e">Did you walk into a room to find your spouse lifeless, spend an eternity trying to revive them, and then get told in no uncertain terms that they were gone forever? No? Okay, then you don’t know how I feel. I don’t even know how I feel. The sadness that you felt when your pet goldfish died when you were ten was real and legitimate. I hope that you are doing okay with that now. It does not, however, allow you to understand what I am going through. Nobody understands, not even other widows. Each and every single loss is unique. Each and every single griever experiences the loss uniquely. We don’t need to one-up each other on how much pain we’re experiencing. Just acknowledge that I am in pain, save the comparisons

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for a different topic.</p><h2 id="5179">5. What are you going to do with (insert item the deceased owned here)?</h2><p id="0f68">The long and short of it is this: I have no idea. Do you know how much there is to do to wrap up the affairs of the deceased? I felt like a one-woman circus trying to juggle my emotions, the complete upheaval of everything I thought my life was going to be, and feeling as though I had to entertain and/or comfort everyone around me. Unless you were very close to the deceased or the surviving spouse, please avoid this. And if you were close, offer to help settle affairs and let this subject come up naturally. Knocking on the door begging for something that belonged to the person who has passed is just poor form.</p><h2 id="69bb">Honorable mentions:</h2><ul><li>We prefer the term “moving forward” instead of “moving on.”</li><li>Please don’t refer to our lost loved one as our ex. They are not ex anything; they are our late husband, wife, girlfriend, boyfriend, etc.</li><li>Please do not judge us for how we choose to move forward with our lives. Unless requested, it’s best to keep your opinions to yourself.</li></ul><p id="67d8">I’m sure there are many more common mistakes that people make when speaking with young widows and widowers. We understand that it almost always comes from the best of intentions. We know that no offense or ill-intent was meant, but sometimes it is better to say nothing at all than to open your mouth only to insert your foot.</p><p id="3810">Thank you for taking the time to understand proper etiquette and while I hope you never have to use it, I feel confident that you are now better prepared for the future.</p><p id="4b94">If you have any other items and/or topics that are best avoided after losing a spouse, please comment below. Let’s educate one another!</p></article></body>

Grief is hard. Don’t make it harder.

Becoming a widow at the age of 29, after only a year and a few days of marriage, I quickly learned that there are some very common sympathies extended to widows. Some were comforting and insightful, but many were not.

I have compiled a list of the top five things you should not say to a young widow. Many of these likely also apply to widows and widowers of any age. If you encounter someone suffering from a loss of a spouse, please heed my advice.

1. They are in a better place.

This is such a typical response to be uttered after a death. I’m sorry, but it does not matter what you believe; widows do not want to hear this. Heaven, the Afterlife, it doesn’t matter… there is no better place than by our side. We were supposed to grow old together. So while wherever they are maybe more beautiful, peaceful, whatever, it isn’t better — it’s simply away from us.

2. You’re still young; you’ll find someone new.

First of all, let me say that this is just plain rude. My spouse’s body is not even cold yet and you’re already expecting me to pull up my bootstraps and move on? No, thank you. Yes, I am young, but I’m in pain. I may very well go years drowning in grief before I can even entertain the idea of accepting someone new into my life. So, while there may be more fish in the sea, please don’t approach me with all the possibilities for my future. My feet are firmly planted in the present and trying to remember to brush my teeth and shower semi-regularly. If you start shoving this phrase down my throat before I can stomach it, I might just throw up on your shoes.

3. Thoughts and prayers.

Nowadays, when I see this appear in the long list of sympathies expressed after the announcement of a loss, I quietly laugh to myself. I understand the sentiment, truly, I do, but this phrase means nothing. It exists as a way to insert yourself into someone else’s grief for a moment, make yourself feel better, and then move along without another thought. Please, please, just don’t. Offer a memory you have of the deceased, offer to help with some random task, or simply stay quiet. Every comment made offering condolences causes the grief-stricken spouse to feel compelled to respond. By all means, think about the person and pray for them, but do it without the need for acknowledgment that it has happened.

4. I know exactly how you feel.

Did you walk into a room to find your spouse lifeless, spend an eternity trying to revive them, and then get told in no uncertain terms that they were gone forever? No? Okay, then you don’t know how I feel. I don’t even know how I feel. The sadness that you felt when your pet goldfish died when you were ten was real and legitimate. I hope that you are doing okay with that now. It does not, however, allow you to understand what I am going through. Nobody understands, not even other widows. Each and every single loss is unique. Each and every single griever experiences the loss uniquely. We don’t need to one-up each other on how much pain we’re experiencing. Just acknowledge that I am in pain, save the comparisons for a different topic.

5. What are you going to do with (insert item the deceased owned here)?

The long and short of it is this: I have no idea. Do you know how much there is to do to wrap up the affairs of the deceased? I felt like a one-woman circus trying to juggle my emotions, the complete upheaval of everything I thought my life was going to be, and feeling as though I had to entertain and/or comfort everyone around me. Unless you were very close to the deceased or the surviving spouse, please avoid this. And if you were close, offer to help settle affairs and let this subject come up naturally. Knocking on the door begging for something that belonged to the person who has passed is just poor form.

Honorable mentions:

We prefer the term “moving forward” instead of “moving on.”

Please don’t refer to our lost loved one as our ex. They are not ex anything; they are our late husband, wife, girlfriend, boyfriend, etc.

Please do not judge us for how we choose to move forward with our lives. Unless requested, it’s best to keep your opinions to yourself.

I’m sure there are many more common mistakes that people make when speaking with young widows and widowers. We understand that it almost always comes from the best of intentions. We know that no offense or ill-intent was meant, but sometimes it is better to say nothing at all than to open your mouth only to insert your foot.

Thank you for taking the time to understand proper etiquette and while I hope you never have to use it, I feel confident that you are now better prepared for the future.

If you have any other items and/or topics that are best avoided after losing a spouse, please comment below. Let’s educate one another!