Summary

The article humorously outlines common mistakes writers make that irritate editors, such as ignoring submission guidelines, submitting inappropriate content, sending multiple submissions, refusing to learn from feedback, and arguing with editors.

Abstract

The piece, titled "Five Surefire Ways To Piss Off Editors — A Tutorial," is a satirical guide that pokes fun at the errors writers often commit when interacting with editors. The author, who claims personal expertise in provoking editorial ire, advises writers to disregard carefully-crafted submission guidelines, submit the wrong type of content, overwhelm editors with multiple submissions, repeatedly make the same mistakes, and stubbornly argue with editors. The author emphasizes the joy of receiving rejections as it provides more material to write about and suggests that these actions can lead to an editor's existential crisis. The article is illustrated with humorous images and ends with a tongue-in-cheek apology to a list of editors, implying that the advice given is knowingly provocative rather than sincere counsel.

Opinions

The author finds amusement in the game of "Enrage the Editor," suggesting that it's a source of joy and new writing material.
Submission guidelines are seen as mere suggestions rather than rules to be followed strictly.
The piece implies that editors have an abundance of time to address writers' missteps and that they should be grateful for multiple submissions as it increases the chances of finding a suitable piece.
The author admits to a pattern of not learning from past mistakes, likening it to Charlie Brown's repeated attempts to kick the football, which always ends in failure.
There is a sense of defiance in the advice to argue with editors, with the author suggesting that standing one's ground is valuable despite the editor's experience and role.
The use of private messages to flame editors is encouraged as a way to express dissatisfaction with their feedback without public scrutiny.
The author mockingly apologizes to a list of editors, indicating that the article is a playful jab rather than a serious guide.

HUMOR?

Five Surefire Ways To Piss Off Editors — A Tutorial

I should know, I’ve had lots of practice.

This beast is only smiling delightedly because it’s preparing to roast your hide! * * * Photo by Manyu Varma on Unsplash

I play a little game called “Enrage the Editor.” The game’s subtitle — using the wrong font of course — “They’ve got nothing better to do than fix your shitty shit submission.”

Here’s how it’s played.

Skim over all their carefully-crafted submission guidelines, ignoring the ones you find inconvenient or boring. They’re only “guidelines” after all.

I’ve done it a million times. It never fails to fill everyone involved with glee.

I get the joy of seeing my work rejected. This instantly gives me more to write about. How is that not happiness realized?

The editor of course wonders why he/she/they bothered to craft said guidelines. Worst case scenario — the editors contemplates the meaning of life itself, has an existential crisis and considers either self harm, homicide or a trial of anti-psychotic medications.

Oh wait, maybe some of these items fall under the category of “best case scenario.” You decide.

Submit the wrong shit

At the time of this writing, I just freakin’ did this. Just hours ago. Poetry was asked for, in a prompt that tagged ME! And, I honored that honor by submitting, you guessed it, frigging prose.

Oh well.

The editor can always reject my story. That is of course if the editor can see her way clear to write a response through all the steam boiling out of her cranium.

And … I’ll have something more to write about.

BTW — MANY other versions of submitting the wrong shit come to mind. But, who am I to define how YOU decide to foment rage and psychic pain. You’re the creative, so create! If you’re struggling here though, think “too long, too short, wrong focus, not funny when funny is called for …”

They ask for one submission per day max. Go ahead, be generous, send three or four. Who doesn’t love gifts?!

Fat-cat editors are just sitting around all day, counting their stacks of cash earned editing, like the rapacious sweatshop owners that they are.

So, dazzle them with an overabundance of your fine writing gifts. That way, if they don’t like them all, they’re sure to like one and accept it into their pub. You’ll be doing them and the writing/reading world a great service.

And, this makes me think … rare enough, but it happens. If Medium and its pubs could just see their way clear to offering volume discounts I could flood the market with my stuff, publishing several stories each hour in several different pubs. hmmmmm? This may be news YOU can use.

Refuse to learn, AKA make the same mistakes over and over again

I’m ROTFL just thinking about the number of times I’ve done this one. It’s easily my personal fave. Each time I apologize and promise to learn for next time, but I never do.

https://conscienceofaprogressive.files.wordpress.com/2010/11/charlie-brown-the-football-clip1.png

Try it, it’s a real hoot!

Best if you know there’s something, however minor, that frosts a particular editor. Then, make sure your submission, and all your submissions for that matter to that person, contain the fatal flaw the editor holds near and dear to his hard little editor’s heart.

I can hear the shrieks of the damned now.

**Editor’s get-together. The only things missing — coffee, donuts, cigs, booze.** https://veneremurcernui.files.wordpress.com/2014/05/tumblr_ml04n35jrw1rqxd5ko1_1280.jpg

Argue

Stand your ground (where have I heard this bit of wisdom before?) no matter what. Just because the editor may have years of experience and special training that you don’t possess, and just because each week the editor sees dozens if not hundreds of stories across a spectrum of talents, and just because the editor is the flipping editor and gets to edit. That is no reason whatsoever not to insist on your point of view as the absolutely correct one.

Personally, I find the private message function to be extremely useful whenever I decide to flame an editor who dares disagree with any aspect of my submission. You can say whatever you want there and no one but you and the flamed, and subsequently inflamed, editor can see what’s gone on between you. Trust me when I say this is an absolute blast and has endeared me to several higher-ups in the Medium universe.

My work here is done for now. It’s back to the drawing board. I need to dream up some new ways to cause trouble. 😅

Oh where shall I summer in 2021? The offers from my editor friends are just pouring in, and it’s so hard to decide.

Mea culpa peeps: Holly J See, Melissa Bee, Shanna Loga, Aimée Gramblin, Tracy Stengel, Ash Jurberg, Kelly Eden, Lucy The Eggcademic (she/her), Winifred J. Akpobi, J.J. Pryor, Sarah Paris, Dr Mehmet Yildiz, Christine Stevens, Page Barnes, Reuben Salsa, Robert Turner, Sherry McGuinn, P.G. Barnett, Greg Prince, Quy Ma, Elan Cassandra