Five Signs You Have A Narcissistic Partner

I never understood how people got into and stayed in an abusive relationship until I was in one.

We have all probably met a narcissist or two at some point in our lives. I know I certainly have. And I mostly find them sticking out like a sore thumb. If the narcissism runs too deep, you can practically smell it’s pungent scent from miles away. You kind of don’t want to and try your best not to hang out with these people too often.

But what if your partner, the love of your life, the apple of your eye is a narcissist? Chances are you already have a feeling. I remember I did. But you know how they say love is blind. Affection and attachment can turn off many red flag signals that your brain normally identifies and beeps at. Don’t take my word for it, this has been scientifically proven. The more romantic love you feel for someone, the less likely you are to notice their flaws and assess them critically.

So, it doesn’t surprise me that for the longest time, I stayed extremely oblivious that I was in a relationship with a narcissist. And escape from that miserable life just seemed impossible. Maybe you are right now experiencing the same kind of despair.

Or it is possible that YOU are the partner I have been talking about all this time. The one with narcissistic characteristics. And it is your partner who is at the suffering end of this relationship.

In either case, the toxicity that a narcissist in general and a narcissistic partner in specific exudes can destroy perfectly healthy relationships. In my years of living with narcissism, I found it mostly boils down to extreme selfishness and an absolute lack of empathy. All other traits narcissists exhibit are manifestations of those two.

If you are with such a person or, if you are such a person but aren’t sure, look for the following five signs. Since narcissism exists on a spectrum, it can vary in severity and can become even more of a challenge to identify. There exists an official diagnostic criterion for a Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and these signs are real life illustrations of those very characteristics.

#1. They are constantly gaslighting

It seems only logical to begin with the hallmark, flag-bearer, gold standard sign. Narcissists are highly skilled at emotional manipulation. They lie, they accuse and they twist around words until their partner starts doubting themselves completely. Frequently heard phrases include:

Why are you always in such a bad mood?

You can’t even take a joke.

I don’t remember ever saying anything like that.

Don’t you see? You are being insecure and paranoid.

This is why it’s so hard to love you.

You just can’t let go of the past.

I’m worried you aren’t acting so well lately.

After all I have done for you, this is what you give me?

I hate when you get all dramatic about little things.

Such toxic words, when heard frequently, can cause the partner to feel like they are constantly inadequate, overly sensitive and always at fault. And guess what this ends up looking like? An under-confident person who is repeatedly apologizing and feeling eternally powerless .

#2. They are greedy for compliments

If there is one thing narcissists love, it is being complimented. They feed off of praises. Specially when it comes from their partners.

It may seem like narcissists are brimming with confidence and self-assurance. But in reality, they have such little self-esteem, that being constantly admired is the only way they feel powerful and wanted. Because their self worth is so conditional, they also have extremely fragile egos. Every time they do something, they want their partner to say something nice about it.

What makes this worse is, they themselves are stingy when it comes to giving compliments. Applauding their partner makes them feel like they are losing the upper hand in their relationship. So, while they keep seeking validation and feel they are entitled to all things good, they are hardly ever willing to treat their partner the same way.

#3. The relationship is toxic

Getting tangled in a circular argument with a narcissist is one of the most draining things on earth. Many times the argument will never end and their partner will end up feeling like a horrible person but wouldn’t know why.

Being in a relationship with a narcissist is like plugging yourself into another person’s life and never being able to unplug. Narcissists have a way of sucking all sense of identity and individuality out of their partner. They intoxicate the relationship, and take up pieces of their partner’s existence until there is nothing left that is not about them.

#4. Centre of attention is where they want to be

At home or outside, with friends and family or with just with their partners, narcissists have to be the centre of attention. They make sure of that in different ways.

When their partner shares their feelings or opinions, a narcissist always starts talking about their own emotions and experiences.
When their partner tries to point out some of their mistakes, a narcissist instantly begins listing down their partners weaknesses.
When their partner celebrates their success, a narcissist either pulls them down by reminding them of their failures or tries to overshadow it by highlighting their own achievements.
When their partner receives a compliment, a narcissist constantly interjects to show their involvement in all that is good about their partner.

Even when they do say something good about their partner in public, a narcissist is seeking attention to look like the generous, supportive and complimenting partner.

#5. They never apologize

Narcissists are always right. About everything. There is no debating or arguing with them because they never accept that they are wrong. Not in front of their partner and not alone to themselves. A narcissist can never be held accountable for the wrong they do.

Because narcissists lack the basic ability to consider their partners emotions and think beyond their own needs, they fail to feel sorry and be apologetic. It doesn’t matter if they make an undeniable, outrageous and obvious mistake, a genuine apology from a true narcissist is extremely rare.

This ends up making their partner feel lonely, anxious, isolated, uncertain, violated, frustrated, punished, rejected, extremely flawed and very unhappy. A narcissist will often bring the worst out of their partner.

The thing to understand about a narcissist is, how they treat you actually has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them. It has to do with their own deep rooted insecurity and low self-esteem. It has to do with their absolute lack of skills to make you feel seen, validated, and accepted. It has to do with them being weak and at fault, not you.

Would you believe me if I told you that despite everything, it may be extremely difficult for you to detach yourself from a narcissist. I understand that because I have been there. This is because of a psychological phenomenon called trauma bonding. Even when we continue to get hurt and abused in a relationship, we are almost addicted to being in it. We feel like we can’t break through.

Except, we can. You can.

A strong, compassionate and considerate person like you can. And you should.

Why?

Because you deserve to be respected and loved. Because you are entitled to being treated with kindness and care. Because you are worthy of a healthy and happy relationship. All of which a narcissistic partner is incapable of providing.