Five Reasons Not To Have Writer Friends IRL

Real-life writing advice hurts

I started writing when I was still a green potato. I am more or less a full-grown veggie now — and still writing. More seasoned and with better seasoning too, that’s for sure!.. Yet any good potato salad takes time to whip up. The salad of my writing did too.

When cooking, we juggle a variety of ingredients and test several sauces. Mmmm, this tastes delightful, — we think to ourselves whilst munching on a mouthful. Yet seconds later someone grabs a bite... “You need more salt”, — they say.

Writing is a sort of salad — we cook to accommodate our tastes and in the hopes that it will appeal to the audience's palate. Sometimes more salt or vinegar might be needed, but a seasoned potato will know how to flip and turn. But should it?..

We scribble our souls away — sometimes flowing freely, sometimes with a bit of censorship. Sometimes we care how the audience perceives us, sometimes — we don’t.

Now, stop for a second.

What if we did? What if we actually cared, because it was not any normal audience?

The harshest thing for a writer is to have writer friends. I would like to clarify:

The harshest thing for a writer is to have real-world writer friends.

I absolutely love and appreciate the community on Medium as well as the great friends I made during NaNoWriMo — you can not imagine how much joy you bring to my life. It’s incredible to read your stories. It’s challenging to keep up with some of you… And it’s fascinatingly inspirational how motivated and fuelled I feel thanks to all of you.

But here’s the catch: when interacting with you my writing persona is a separate being from my person.

Having my work read by the people who know me — have known me for years — is a different story. Several of my friends are great writers — two of them scribble beautiful poetry, and others dabble in a variety of prose genres. As a professional hazard would have it, they’re all avid readers. It’s a fantastic opportunity to get feedback!.. Or is it now?..

Don’t seek feedback from your real-life friends (even if they’re writers!)

They say, what doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger. But guess what — it might just kill you. Or your writing.

That potato salad might be fine as it is — do you think it needs more salt? But they’ll be sure to convince you it does. And here’s how the joy of cooking gets ruined (if not the whole dish!):

1. Real-life friends know too much. They’re judgy beings and that embarrassing incident when you were seven is still vivid in their memory. It means they’re biased. Even if your work is read with the best of intentions, the feedback might be too much.
2. Since they know you, they will not hold back. Sure, they want to help, but the way to hell is paved with good intentions. Writers are artists and those seem to be a sensitive breed — harsh criticism might bring more harm than benefit.
3. Consider the variety of genres your friends enjoy: what do they read and what do they write? Do you think they are suitable candidates to give you constructive feedback? (flashback to when I signed up for an ARC only to realise I had no clue what mafia books should feel/read like…)
4. Nitpicking every detail is a thing. Ask my mum — red ink slithered its way on my first attempts at fantasy writing. I understand she had the best of intentions, but the memory still haunts me two decades later. What seems relevant to one, might not be as important to the other. But you as the writer decide.
5. It can be difficult to separate your writing persona and you as an individual — people underestimate the emotional attachment. This goes both ways: the reader might be too soft or too harsh, depending on your relationship. At the same time, you can interpret the feedback on two different levels. It might get too sensitive, feelings and relationships could get bruised.

At the end of the day, the choice is on us — do we want to share our work with close friends and family, and do we expect their feedback? If they’re a writer as well as someone we trust, their criticism will hold more value. It can be a great thing — motivation and inspiration flowing!.. But it can also crush us.

I still remember red ink staining my writings. And I still recall the shock my neighbour gave me when he said my poetry was poorly written. No doubt, there’s always room for improvement, but don’t we all get better with practice?..

This is my third attempt at writing. I quit because I wasn’t good enough.

They said my salad needed a better dressing and that perhaps carrots could add an extra kick. “But I’m making a potato salad!” — I shrieked. “And carrots will bring more flavour to it.” Apron flying, knives hidden away in the depths of the drawer. Chef storming out of the kitchens — takeaway for dinner tonight.

Don’t be that chef. Don’t be me. Chop your own potatoes and season them how you like. Ask other chefs how they cook or what tools and seasonings they prefer — but judge if these suit your cuisine.

And if you decide to throw a feast for your real-life friends or family, dish out what they can stomach. If it turns out that they can’t, don’t take it personally — specialised diets exist for a reason.

Happy cooking!

My scribbles dive into a variety of topics. Yet whether I scribble fantasy or horror, highly opinionated or research-driven pieces, I hope it leaves you with something to ponder: makes you feel better (or worse?..), strikes an inner monologue (hopefully, voiced out in the comments!) or simply gives you something to chew on, inspiring to keep the creative ball rolling.

Thank you for reading!