HUMOR
Five People You Meet in a Pesky WhatsApp Group
Are you a Conga Leader or Popularity Prover?
I would rather shave my legs with a cheese grater and douse them in lemon juice than be in a WhatsApp group!
If you add me to a WhatsApp group, I will likely leave as soon as possible. So, this means once the big event is over, I’m out of the group quicker than a hungry cheetah.
Sure, they are handy collaborative places to communicate about social plans and events. But our quirks and idioms are magnified in WhatsApp groups. My key issue is that they are full of people. I mean, if they were run by dogs, I might hang around.
Seriously though, does anyone actually enjoy these groups? I suspect high up on the list of thoughts no one has ever had is, “Oh yay, another WhatsApp group.”
Here are the five types of people we meet in WhatsApp groups.
1. The Over Poster
The Over Poster jumps to action whenever someone else posts a query. But instead of engaging with the said query, the Over Poster initiates their own conversation.
An example of this is a message coming through asking for the group’s opinion on the dress code for the event. An Over Poster completely ignores this and posts a selfie with their own comment.
“Finally booked my train, excited 😊, who else has booked their transport?❤️💕👌 ”
In person, the Over Poster talks over other people and changes the subject. Rude schmude!
If you are an Over Poster, I need to tell you — IT’S NOT ALL ABOUT YOU!
2. The Lurker
The lurker is the one who adds diddly squat to the group dynamic. They hang out in the group's depths and expect everything to be done for them.
A Lurker’s involvement in WhatsApp groups looks like this:
In an in-person situation, the Lurker is the one who doesn’t muck in. They come, they take, and they leave.
If you are a Lurker, get your shit together and contribute!
3. The Conga Leader
It’s fun being the leader of a conga. Everyone follows you, and you get to choose the direction. You wind your way around the room, bobbing up and down while kicking your legs sideways.
And anyone who doesn’t join in? Well, shame on them! Shame, shame, shame! How dare they opt out of the moving caterpillar dance.
The Conga Leader posts messages in WhatsApp groups like,
“Hey Sarah, I see it’s your birthday, Happy Birthday 🎂🎈”
And you know what happens, right? Everyone feels obligated to fall into conga formation. A flurry of well-wishing messages ensues. And if you don't. SHAME ON YOU!
Sure, it’s nice to remember birthdays, but the Conga Leader doesn’t do this for everyone, and so many folk are left out, and that’s just shitty!
If you are a Conga Leader, did you know you can send private messages to individuals? Imagine that!
4. The Popularity Prover
This person is similar to the Conga Leader, but there are subtle differences.
The Popularity Prover is the person who makes plans to meet up with one or two members of the group, and then instead of messaging them privately, they instigate all the arrangements via the group WhatsApp chat.
“Hey Jo, I’m running a little late, see you at the cafe in 5 minutes. 🍵”
A real-life example of this is enjoying a meal out, and the Popularity Prover arranges plans for one or two other people there without opening it up to the rest of the group. Exclusionary and not to mention dull for others to listen to.
If you are a Popularity Prover, take your private conversations elsewhere!
5. The Parent-Jacker
How do you know if someone is a parent? Don’t worry, they will tell you. You don’t need to bring your children into e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g. The Parent-Jacker is the person who turns all conversations into anecdotes of their children or references to them being a parent.
“Oh, look, we are staying in a hotel called Radisson Blu, my little Tommy loves the colour blue, that’s all he wants to be dressed in, it’s so cute.”
Then, before anyone else has a chance to comment, here come the photos.
“Here’s Tommy in his blue jumper. 👶”
Here’s Tommy in his blue trousers. 🚼”
Here’s Tommy in his blue shoes. 🤱”
Any more of this, and the Parent-Jacker risks turning blue themselves, kidding, not kidding, kinda kidding. But come on!
Fine if it is interesting. Like, if Little Tommy has suddenly grown scales and is slithering around like a snake, that type of crazy shit has to be shared!
In the real world, the Parent-Jacker is the person who uses the AOB section of meetings to trap colleagues into looking at a gazillion photos of their children. YAWN!
If you are a Parent-Jacker, the truth is very few people want to hear about your children every few minutes.
So sure, add me to your WhatsApp group if you must. I will contribute to the banter without being an over-poster. I promise not to lurk. No congas will be danced, and I won’t be a popularity prover. And although I don’t have children, I will stop myself being a dog-jacker.
Once it is all over, I will promptly select “exit group.” You’ve got my number. Give me a call, and let’s do coffee sometime. After all, I’ve got hundreds of pictures of my dog to show you!
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