Five lessons I learned from workaholism: How to lead a simple, more authentic life

There is no wealth but life.

John Ruskin

My typical day two years ago

The alarm screamed at exactly six o’clock on a Monday morning. I jumped out of the bed. I got dressed and did makeup. I started the coffee maker to make espresso, at the same time, I was rehearsing my presentation for my 10 AM meeting with data scientists at Walter Reed National Military Medical Center. I was all driven and excited to reach my office. I was halfway there when I remembered, I had forgotten to kiss my 8 years old daughter. Never mind, I tell myself; I will give her a kiss tonight after I return.

I rushed to a local cafeteria for a quick breakfast and stormed into the meeting, but they had already started. I listened attentively, gave my feedback. Everything was great, we will build the dashboard, the data, algorithms…

I returned from work and started cooking dinner while thinking about the school essay which I must write for my ongoing master’s degree program.

Then, I realized that my daughter was asking me something over dinner, but I was too busy thinking about my next deadline… Around midnight I collapsed into bed to start this the next day, again.

During the summer, I got my few weeks of unpaid vacation and off we went to Italy. After a few weeks, we decided to visit my husband’s family in Moldova, the poorest country in Europe. A few days later, my daughter told me how free, and happy she felt.

“Mom, you said Moldova is the poorest country in the EU, but people are happier here than in the US. Even you, you are happier. Why? I am happier too. Kids play outside, and they can walk. We don’t sit in the car all the time.”

She caught me off guard, I didn’t know how to respond.

A few weeks later, we returned to DC and the whole work-school continued…

But for me, I felt different. I changed. I missed what we had in Europe.

Of course, friends, and coworkers were telling me that it was vacation and not reality.

Really? What is reality? Working, sleeping, and paying bills?

It seemed real while I was in Europe. People enjoyed their coffee, time spent together, the afternoon walks, the stories they told each other. Time stopped.

It is true they did not own much, but they didn’t look like they were missing anything. Quite the contrary, they looked more content, and less stressed.

I started asking myself which reality I preferred: one with constant stress, chasing after better-paying jobs, more titles, higher degrees, or one in which I enjoy the simple life that I remember from our European summer trip. What was all the ambition good for? I could not answer as to why I was working so hard. Of course, the American Dream is to be an achiever, to always seek higher status. Workaholism is praised but taking only two weeks’ vacation a year was considered “ as a crime.”

Anyway, I realized all my meetings and career-climbing adventures were BS and I was only a glorified pencil pusher. Nothing, I did was meant to have any real impact, all my proposals ended up in the trash.

Nobody cared.

Upon discovering that, my whole life I created in America was crushed in front of my eyes. I stopped caring about the certifications, titles, the constant hustle. My life became mundane when I realized my workaholic life was an illusion. No more goals, no, more deadlines. My daughter was lonely because all her classmates were “scheduled up to their teeth.” I never had a vibrant social life while living in the US. Everybody was busy…Without the job, I had no desire to stay in the US. Work was my identity.

These are the biggest 5 lessons I learned after 16 years of being a workaholic:

• Workaholism destroyed my relationships. I did not feel the connection with my daughter because I was always “busy.” My husband and I barely spent any time together because we both were working, constantly. I didn’t have many friends because everybody was always busy. Workaholism destroyed not only relationships around me but even the one most important relationship, with myself. I lost my own identity and authenticity while being a workaholic.
• Workaholism destroyed my health. Absolutely true, I was overweight. I suffered from insomnia, chronic stress, and constipation. My irritable bowel syndrome was always in relapse. These are all physical symptoms of workaholism. A year after I stopped working I lost 30 pounds, I sleep every day for at least 7 hours, I walk a lot and eat a healthy Mediterranean diet.
• Workaholism and climbing the corporate ladder has nothing to do with authenticity. I know you need to be professional at work, but you still cannot show your authenticity. For me, authenticity is about creativity and innovation. However, whenever I showed my creative, innovative self, that self was put down and wasn’t appreciated. In spite of the fact that I was hired to innovate. It was all on paper, not in reality. After researching this issue, it seems like most companies don’t want employees to bring their souls to work.

People are not enjoying work as they used to: only 13% of the world’s workforce is actively engaged, according to Gallup, while the majority is either disengaged or actively “boycotting” their employer.

• Workaholism is an addiction and a predictor of burnout. In the US being a workaholic is socially accepted and encouraged. Anyone who works for corporate companies knows that working long hours, even receiving messages after work is absolutely the norm. If I went home at the time you are supposed to go home, my boss wrote on my yearly performance review as not being a team player. Once I asked to go visit my brother in Europe who was sick for 10 days, my boss told me I have an extravagant lifestyle. When my daughter got sick, my boss told me that is my problem and absence is an absence. I still have my deepest regrets for prioritizing work, companies instead of being there for my daughter.
• Workaholism is living a one-dimensional life. When you only work and sleep most of the 365 days in a year, that means you live a one-dimensional life. That one dimension is work. To be truly happy and to lead an authentic life, you must be multidimensional. Your life must have work-life balance, a time for family, a rich social life, and a variety of hobbies, or just do nothing for a change and be OK with doing nothing.

SPAIN TAUGHT ME HOW TO LIVE A SIMPLE AND AUTHENTIC LIFE

I just wanted to take my daughter and go somewhere peaceful and remote. I didn’t envision her childhood to be made off after school activities, nothing more. A childhood filled with non-stop activities, and classes, will only teach her life is to be scheduled. This will create a workaholic like I was.

After sharing my broken dreams and scattered reality with my husband, I was in shock, he felt the same. Absolutely the same. After discussing our financial situation, we decided we can find an affordable, and safe place to move.

We moved to Nicaragua initially, but life had a different destiny for us. For two years now we have lived in Granada, Spain.

What is an authentic life?

According to the GOOGLE search number one results “Living authentic means when our actions and words are congruent with our beliefs and values. It is being ourselves, not an imitation of what we think we should be or have been told we should be.

For me living an authentic life means expressing my creativity, be honest to others and not hiding behind political correctness. I wanted to live a life where you do not have to wear masks and have a big smile on your face even if you do not feel like smiling. Where you are allowed to bring your soul to work and not act like a robot who learned company script.

If you want to live an authentic life you need to change:

• The definition of success

My definition of success doesn’t include titles, certificates, any longer. Success for me is to raise a daughter who knows how to live in the present moment without competitions and nonstop classes. She has all the free time she can muster and knows how to lead a sustainable life without the need to buy or consume but appreciate the beauty of life with all the sorrows and joys.

• Our priorities

I invest my time in relationships and family instead of degrees and titles. I am learning how to lead a sustainable life and teaching my daughter along the way. Also, I am re-learning how to enjoy the simple things in life such as long walks, reading a book, writing, or doing absolutely nothing. This is my priority.

• Living sustainable life

We eat local healthy food. We live in a two-bedroom apartment. We own a Toyota Aygo which I drive only twice a week. I shop only in secondhand stores once or twice a year. For me, this is what it means to live a sustainable and frugal life. I don’t buy shit I don’t need. Most of it I can create…

I can’t tell you how to define your success, priorities, or how to live a sustainable life. This is very personal, and everyone has a different degree of comfort. Some want to take small steps, we just dived in.

How I changed and discovered my authenticity?

I found a perfect place to put authenticity into practice. I chose Spain. After calculating and planning our finances, Spain seemed very feasible and realistic. Southern Spain is affordable if you are frugal as we are. My husband works 6 months in a year, and I am finally a stay at home mom.

Leading an authentic life in Spain is extremely easy. What is the difference?

In Spain, fresh local food which is truly organic is easily available and affordable. My daughter discovered her passion for riding horses which again is affordable and available almost everywhere in Southern Spain. Another very important element in Spain that makes authenticity easier is 100% walkability throughout the city. I have time to spend with my daughter, pursue my hobbies, I have a rich social life, and my creativity has been reborn again for the first time in 16 years.

I am not suggesting anyone should quit their jobs but work-life balance is important, and I could not find that while living in America. Everybody’s situation is different. I could never afford to live without a job in the US as I can in Spain.

Now looking back this was the best decision I have made. Now I feel very content that I left my high income/workaholic life in DC and moved to Spain to live on 25k a year. Here, I have a high quality of life. I can make up all the time, I didn’t spend with my daughter before. Here it is affordable, safe, and life is simple.