Five causes of my depression

Personal experience of a 23-year-old Japanese girl

Thanks to my family, friends, and also myself, I am currently living a healthy life and enjoying being alive. However, up until a few months ago, I suffered from severe depression and even considered suicide. Here, I would like to talk about potential causes of my depression. I hope you find this article helpful for your well-being.

Before I begin, I would like to pose a question. What exactly is depression in the first place?

According to the American Psychiatric Association, this is the definition of depression.

Depression (major depressive disorder) is a common and serious medical illness that negatively affects how you feel, the way you think and how you act. Fortunately, it is also treatable. Depression causes feelings of sadness and/or a loss of interest in activities you once enjoyed. It can lead to a variety of emotional and physical problems and can decrease your ability to function at work and at home.

https://www.psychiatry.org/patients-families/depression/what-is-depression

The American Psychiatric Association also remarks about symptoms of depression. According to them, depression symptoms can range from mild to severe and include:

-Feeling sad or having a depressed mood

-Loss of interest or pleasure in activities once enjoyed

-Changes in appetite — weight loss or gain unrelated to dieting

-Trouble sleeping or sleeping too much

-Loss of energy or increased fatigue

-Increase in purposeless physical activity (e.g., inability to sit still, pacing, handwringing) or slowed movements or speech (these actions must be severe enough to be observable by others)

-Feeling worthless or guilty

-Difficulty thinking, concentrating or making decisions

-Thoughts of death or suicide

https://www.psychiatry.org/patients-families/depression/what-is-depression

According to them, there are also things to be cautious of. To be diagnosed with depression, symptoms must last at least two weeks and show a change in one’s previous level of functioning. Furthermore, medical problems (e.g., thyroid issues, brain tumors, or vitamin deficiencies) can mimic depression symptoms, so it is critical to rule out medical causes in general.

Based on this definition, I could be diagnosed with depression. I was clearly in a bad mood. I lost interest or pleasure in activities that I used to enjoy, such as reading, listening to music, and visiting museums. My appetite has shifted as well. My sleeping pattern was erratic. I had no energy and felt completely worthless. I also attempted suicide a few times.

So, what potentially caused my depression? After considering my situation, I came up with the following:

1. Living my life based on others

Even though it is my own life, there is a part of me that does not feel ownership and has lived my life relying on others. I’ve never seriously considered important life questions like “Do I want to go to that school and study that subject?’’ “Is that what I really want to do?’’ or “Do I really want to start job hunting now?’’ I was attempting to make my own decisions about my future while being concerned about the opinions of those around me and society. I eventually came to a dead end.

2. Lying to myself

I used to believe that I had to do things even if I didn’t want to do them deep down. I frequently tackle things away out of a sense of duty.

For example, I had been studying out of obligation up until now. I reluctantly studied as my parents told me to.

The same can be said for finding a job as an undergrad.I started job hunting with a sense of obligation, believing that I had no choice but to do it because everyone else was. Majority of Japanese university students look for a corporate job as new graduates. To be honest, I hated job hunting. I had to wear a suit, which I despise, and my hairstyle and makeup were forced upon me because I needed to look presentable and appropriate. I had to board a crowded train during rush hour. Suddenly began researching companies in which I had no prior interest, filling out application forms, and conducting multiple interviews felt absurd. It stressed me out greatly. However, I suppressed my emotions and pretended to be a normal student.

I did not enjoy either of studying or job hunting. Eventually, it becomes painful to keep a lid on my emotions and lie about my true feelings.

3. Lack of self-confidence

I started hating myself because I lie to myself and approach things grudgingly every day. I shrank back as I struggled with low self-confidence and self-esteem. Due to stress, my skin become acne-prone and I lost confidence in my appearance. The desire to try new things and have fun faded over time.

4. Not being responsible

I had no sense of responsibility because I had been living my life by inertia. Because my parents told me to, I did it. I did it because my teacher advised me to. I did it because a senior or a friend recommended it to me. And when something I’ve been working on doesn’t work out, I started to blame them. Despite the fact that it is my own life, I have spent it blaming others rather than myself.

5. Giving up

I gave up somewhere because I didn’t believe in myself and assumed I couldn’t do it anyway. I wouldn’t have to fail if I didn’t try something new. I had no motivation because I thought it would be easier. Finally, time passed without me doing anything, and I began to worry and compare myself to those around me. Add to that a heterogeneous point of view, and I’m losing faith even more. Then I fell into a downward spiral.

1. Living my life based on others, 2. Lying to myself, 3. Lack of confidence, 4. Not being responsible, 5. Giving up

These are the five things that came to mind as potential causes of depression. Depression symptoms differ from person to person, and the causes may not be the same. What I’ve written here is entirely based on my own experience, but I hope you find it useful.