Five Alarming Signs You May Be in a Toxic Friendship
#1 You are judged for being ambitious.
The Bible defines friendship as a “God’s gift,” where friends “carry each other’s burdens, and in this way, they fulfill the law of Christ.”
Same as the stars in the sky, they can shine for a long time and light the way for those who need it, or they can irreversibly vanish one day.
You might think you are surrounded by the right people who know you well and are always there for you to help. However, you might feel uncomfortable together. When something doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t. Humans are endowed with fantastic intuition and senses that often suggest to us the right things to do without explaining why and how.
Friends are meant to come into our lives to bring priceless lessons, protect us from unwise decisions, and share fun memories. While we all want to experience it in life, it is vital to not be blind and distant from those who take your energy and never give anything back.
Here is how it feels to be in a toxic friendship. How your emotions can evolve in time, and how the mindset shifts if you force yourself to keep unwanted connections.
1. You Are Judged For Being Ambitious
Ambitious people drive progress, change the status quo, and create the future. To keep motivated and dare to move on, they want to be understood.
Lack of vision of “why I should do it” and harsh judgments can ruin hopes and lead to demotivation.
I used to be judged by my friend for my desire to look more feminine. I was criticized for working overtime and building my sustainable future. I felt guilty for working on my personal growth since my friend did not support any aspiration. My friend lived in the present while I was trying to build my idealistic future.
It is hard to keep connections if you realize that friendship spoils your mood and makes you feel miserable.
Some studies suggest there is more to it than an adverse psychological effect. A research study led by the UCLA, University of California explains,
Stressful friendships lead to significantly high levels of a protein that causes inflammation in the body. Over time that can cause serious health problems, including diabetes, heart disease, and cancer.
A true friendship is meant to support and encourage, not to bury beliefs and hopes. If your closest friends judge you, it might indicate that they are envious.
Your success or willingness to make your life better makes them feel anxious. They are not ready to change their state of life, and they are not willing to let you move on and leave them behind.
2. You Have Different Life Values
Values are the principles that define how you react and engage in certain situations.
They guide you in life. If you are off the road, they remind you about your life vision, why you are doing what you are doing, and what you want to achieve in the end. Your values affect your behavior.
If you value health, you will most likely include a healthy diet and active physical training in your lifestyle. If personal growth is essential for you, you will read inspirational literature, attend coaching sessions, and surround yourself with motivated people who share similar beliefs.
If your close friends have other values, your life directions, behavior, interests, and opinions will differ. For being yourself, one needs to be honest without fearing being judged.
I used to hear contemptuous comments from my friend about my values, about me reading personal growth books that have no practical importance, about me keeping a diet, and many more.
Perhaps, I should have answered — It is life, and it is my choice. Friendship is meant to be enjoyable, not tense or anxiety-provoking.
But I never said it. I kept silent.
As the American investment banker, financier, activist, and author, Ziad K. Abdelnour put it,
“Life is like an elevator. On your way up, sometimes you have to stop and let some people off.”
3. You Hide Your Real Face When You Meet
The old Japanese proverb says:
‘’You have three faces. The first face you show to the world. The second face, you show to your close friends and your family. The third face, you never show anyone — it is the truest reflection of who you are.’’
We, humans, are complex. As emotionally intelligent creatures, we learned to recognize feelings and thoughts through facial mimic. We also learned to fit into the world around us and show different faces depending on the circumstances.
Trying to please others, we sometimes forget who we are and what our inner voice tells us. We can not be sincere or share the actual thoughts that pop up in our minds, as the fear of being criticized is haunting us at all times.
Leon F. Seltzer, the clinical psychologist, once stated:
There are many different reasons that we may endeavor to hide, or disguise, the emotional pain that comes in the wake of negative beliefs about ourselves evoked by a particular person or situation. But what they have in common is that they’re all fear-induced.
If you intentionally put a smile on your face when you meet a friend, it is a self-protection sign. If you “pretend” that everything is going well, that’s a sign you don’t feel comfortable.
A long-lasting relationship should be based on mutual trust. If you are forced to hide your real face when you meet a friend, then ask yourself, “is it a real friend or just a buddy?”
4. Your Personal Boundaries Are Not Respected
Personal boundaries are a way to take good care of yourself. Boundaries help set clear expectations for others to know what to expect from you and how you want to be treated.
Many people will try to take your time, but you are the one who sets your rules and priorities.
Jim Rohn, an entrepreneur, and a motivational speaker, once said:
“Let others lead small lives, but not you. Let others argue over small things, but not you. Let others cry over small hurts, but not you. Let others leave their future in someone else’s hands, but not you. “
You set your goals on purpose; you work to make your life better; you aim to become better today than yesterday!
If your friend does not want to respect your boundaries and keeps judging you, it is a sign of being egocentric. You will be judged for having your voice, which is different from others.
I used to hear complaints from my friend that I did not dedicate enough time to her. Canceled meetings were often turned into drama. If I did not follow a given advice, I was expected to explain my decision. My gut feeling often reminded me of when my boundaries were compromised. It was tough, sometimes.
If you hear your inner voice rebelling when you compromise your principles, you’ll have to evaluate options and take action. Friendship is not natural if you do not feel relaxed and empowered.
5. You Feel Vulnerable When Discussing Certain Topics
For different people, friendship might mean other things. A friend can be a neighbor, a party, a holiday mate, or someone who shares joy and excitement.
However, a real friend should be willing to share happiness and sorrow with you; be your advocate.
When discussing specific topics, you might feel vulnerable, out of control, and lost. You seek help and understanding. If discussing your problems and profound feelings with your friend makes things worse, it is a sign of indifference.
Friendship is not about adjusting to others’ preferences, sacrificing yourself to someone. You should feel free and safe to talk about anything without fear.
Through trial and error, I’ve figured out what makes me arguing with my friend. She is an energetic sanguine who has no interest in deep talks. We get along well, but we are not connected on an emotional level, which makes me feel empty quite often.
“There are ‘friends’ who destroy each other, but a real friend sticks closer than a brother.” — Bible proverb 18:24
Final Thoughts
If you no longer enjoy every moment spent with your close friends, it is an alarming sign that something has changed.
You might not be able to explain your feelings with logic, but your intuition will not let you forget about them.
When in doubt, recall these signs of a toxic friendship. They will help you understand what real friends don’t do and when it’s better to leave out the past for the sake of a better and healthier future.
- You are judged for being ambitious.
- You have different values.
- You hide your real face when you meet.
- Your personal boundaries are not respected.
- You feel vulnerable when discussing certain topics.
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