PSYCHOLOGY|CULTURE

First Time Living One Full Year In A New City Without Making Any Friends

I almost blamed my boyfriend, but I know what (or who) the real problem is

I had a couple of ideas for stories that I thought about writing today.

Then I came across and was struck by Sara Burdick’s story that revealed some unsettling truths about my own life:

I have been living in Germany for damn near a year AND working here for the past 4 months and I have not made one single friend.

How on earth did that happen??!

Just yesterday, my boyfriend and I were talking about people to whom we could give a set of our house keys in case we lock ourselves out. I was surprised to realize that the only people I considered asking this favor were a couple of my co-workers.

I’m not even close to those co-workers, but I would trust any of them with a set of my house keys.

They are kind and responsible people with whom I enjoy working alongside.

We are very friendly with each other, but I don’t consider us friends.

This has never happened to me before.

Even though I could identify with some things that Sara shared in her story, such as:

It is difficult to find people that I get; most of my friends are not a group; they are one singled out person, and I like them but usually do not vibe with the rest of the group.

I generally make friends easily.

How have I been living in the same neighborhood for the past year without making one single friend anywhere in this area?

• A hell of a lot of time spent on Medium from the time I arrived to the time I started working.
• A shit ton of time spent texting, emailing and talking to friends living in other parts of the world.
• An inordinate amount of time spent with my boyfriend, and on occasion his family who seem to greatly value my company.
• Doing all kinds of things by myself is one of my all-time favorite things to do.
• I work more hours on a weekly basis than I am accustomed and love being away from most people when I’m not working.
• German people are much less likely than other cultures I’ve encountered to put the effort forth and initiate new friendships, even when it’s what they want.

I can relate.

I like living in my bubbles.

However, I know the priceless value that relationships have on the quality of life.

One of my favorite TED talks (just 13 minutes) and longitudinal studies ever showcased sums it up here:

I used to dream of solitude, living in a lush, gorgeous and natural environment far away from people.

It is no longer a dream of mine, although I do cherish having such experiences from time to time and still want to retire somewhere a bit more “remote”.

However, at this point in my life, especially after so much unnatural isolation due to the pandemic, I want to reinforce the friendships I have while creating new ones with people in my current area for I plan to stay here for at least 3–6 more years, maybe more.

Now that I see what I want to change, the question remains as to how much effort will I put forth to change it.

In a new country, speaking a new language, living in new home, with a new career and even a new decade on the horizon, what am I able and willing to do- naturally- to make this shift?

We shall see…