First Comes Marriage, Then Comes Love . . .

The tradition of finding someone, falling in love then marrying them is being flipped on its head in a few reality shows. I confess I enjoy these “reality” shows, don’t judge me.

The first show that featured this theme that attracted me was “Married at first sight”. I have been watching it off and on since its inception in 2014. I have not watched all the seasons, but I have watched quite a few. I later discovered the Australian version of the show, which has some variations, but still the same main theme of two strangers meeting for the first time at the altar where they marry each other.

Then there is the other franchise, “Love is Blind”. This one was not as interesting to me, but I found myself still being drawn in by that idea that people were so desperate for love that they would commit their lives in marriage to each other without knowing much more than could be discovered after a few “blind” dates. In this show, I saw differences between how American participants and participants from other cultures handled romance. I was able to view the Japanese version of the same show and it highlighted distinct differences which I attributed to cultural norms and acceptance.

Sprinkled in these reality shows were a few Netflix series like “Indian Matchmaking” and movies where quick marriages between strangers drove the plot. The idea that you would marry first then get to know your partner is one that is fascinating because most believe it is unique and a new concept.

Is that theory really true though? It appears that today couples take a quick romantic trip to break up with a short stop at marriage. The idea that they are partnering with people that they know is really a fantasy. They frequently make statements similar to the contestants on these reality shows. Statements such as “I have found my soul mate” “This person knows me more than any other person (said after 2 weeks of “dating”) “I think he/she is the one” (having never seen the person, met their family or explored their hopes and aspirations). These same statements are repeated in each episode. How is this different from people who feel sure that they are in a loving committed relationship with someone but their partner is someone who they have not taken the time to really know?

I remember working with a couple many years ago. They were in distress with the marriage being in jeopardy. I discovered that the wife had never met her husband’s family, although they had children together and his parents lived less than 30 miles away. Her excuse was that he told her that he didn’t get along with them and didn’t want his family of origin to be part of their lives. She later realized that his description of the alienation from his family closely resembled his narrative about their current relationship. He wanted to dismiss her from his life the same way he had dismissed his family of origin from his life years ago. Armed with this insight she intentionally contacted his mother (his father had since died) and discovered that she was a quiet woman who had been grieving her son’s rejection of the family. The wife connected her mother-in-law with the grandchildren and recognized that she had been kept away from a loving extension of her spouse for many years.

The surface knowledge that passes for connection is so thin that it doesn’t last for most of these relationships whether “reality” or in reality. There needs to be a real desire to dive deep and get to know people, warts, and all prior to committing yourself to them. The reason people are so averse to doing this would need to be explored in a longer article. Suffice it to say marrying without much to go on except chemistry is not as unusual as some would like to believe. So although many will laugh at some of the contestants on “reality” shows, it would be prudent to take a closer look. Unfortunately, there is a close resemblance to what is occurring in real life.

Marriage is not to be taken lightly, so the journey to it should not be taken lightly either. Even if you do commit to someone you don’t really know, then take the time to do the work of getting to know them well. Don’t hold back, deep-diving into the messiness of that is getting to know someone. It is not always comfortable, you will not always like what you find, but a loving commitment will seek to communicate and find a way to build a bridge over what separates you.

I pray that if you are in a marriage that was started on a thin foundation you will reinforce your foundation with prayer and education. Here are some resources to help you strengthen your marriage.

· Read the Bible together daily then talk to each other about it.

· The Five Love Languages — Gary Chapman

· Men are Like Waffles, Women are Like Spaghetti — Bill and Pam Farrell

· https://lnkd.in/dDEYp6V2 — Marriage quiz

· Gottman Card Deck app — to have more meaningful conversations with the ones you love.

Contact me if you are interested in more ideas to strengthen your marriage?