Fire Hazard

Summary

The author reflects on personal growth and resilience in the face of harsh judgment and suicidal thoughts, finding strength in faith and self-acceptance.

Abstract

The article delves into the author's journey through guilt, self-care, and the struggle with suicidal ideation, emphasizing the transformative power of faith and self-compassion. Despite enduring criticism and feeling devalued, the author learns to embrace self-worth as affirmed by their religious beliefs, choosing life over the destructive impulses fueled by internalized negativity. The narrative underscores the importance of personal evolution without self-abnegation and the realization that forgiveness and inner peace can be achieved even in the presence of ongoing external disapproval.

Opinions

The author feels unfairly judged and misunderstood by someone close, leading to a sense of embarrassment and frustration.
Self-care is accompanied by guilt, but the author recognizes the necessity of spiritual nourishment to maintain their emotional well-being.
There is a belief that God's view of them contrasts sharply with the negative opinions held by others, which initially seemed laughable but has become a source of strength.
The author recounts a memory of a movie character's suicide being labeled as selfish, which resonates with their own past considerations of self-harm.
Grieving for the living who have caused pain is acknowledged as a complex emotional process, involving both forgiveness and the need to release anger.
The author has transitioned from viewing fire as a destructive force to escape pain to seeing it as a symbol of empowerment and purification through their faith in God.
The decision to choose life is not motivated by fear of others' opinions but by a personal commitment to growth and self-preservation.
The author acknowledges their own vulnerability to external criticism but also recognizes their increased resilience and strength derived from past experiences and spiritual fortitude.

Fire Hazard

Content Warning: Suicidal thoughts

Pin the blame on me like pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey…on steroids. Assumptions should embarrass both of us, but you’re only making an ass of me. Once upon a time, I was a child — but the only change that’s taken place between us is mutual aging. You did and do and will treat me the exact same way as you always have. At least I know what to expect.

Things don’t get better until we do. Overwhelming guilt is always the free gift that comes with self-care, but pouring God’s truth and instruction back into myself is the only reason my soul doesn’t run dry. The things God says about me would probably make you laugh, and at first, I laughed too. I’m still learning what to do with nice things.

With age came the knowledge that I could change without doing away with all of me, permanently. I learned that I didn’t have to die to purge myself of the living poison inside of me. Hindsight is 20/20. I don’t have to speculate: I know you’d be mad, not sad if I was gone because when I was in my teens, you told me. Selfish. A course of action reserved for the weak. I’m grateful that God’s the one who guides me.

Movie’s on the television, that’s how you know this memory is old. There’s never been a TV in sight when it’s been my home. No need: all I need is life to keep me busy. Chinese with English subtitles on. I can’t speak the language anymore, it’s been too long. We called her the protagonist but she jumped off a bridge and you said that was wrong. Said it made her selfish.

How strange it is to grieve for people who still breathe air in the land of the living. My heart is learning to be forgiving but anger is so flammable. I light a match in my mind’s eye just so some of my rage can burn off. It’s too much to hold onto even though I’m getting stronger.

I used to think that fire was the only way to do away with what desperately needed to escape from me, even if it would take me, too. But look at God, the way He took the flame dancing on a match and set the kind of fire that served to embolden and not consume. I guess my thoughts were selfish, no matter that I didn’t know what to do. My soul belongs to Jesus so even fire could not consume me in my entirety. Now I choose life, but not because I’m scared of what you’ll say to me.

It’s true that I’m just about as flammable as gasoline, that’s if I choose to wear my fire externally. But look at what I can do now that I’ve learned from younger versions of me. Knowledge as a fortress guarding the substance of what sustains me. I am stronger than younger me believed.