Fine Dining: A Rant About Foodies

“It’s fun to get together and have something good to eat at least once a day. That’s what human life is all about — enjoying things.”

— Julia Child

I usually write about philosophy, spirituality, and the human condition. I’m not saying this piece is lacking in that, all I’m saying is that this is definitely a rant about foodies. But it’s the holiday season and every night at work feels like eight hours of being stabbed in the balls.

In writing this I’m actually doing exactly what I’m ranting about, I’m judging others. But the difference is I’m not putting people’s livelihoods at risk. This doesn’t justify my rant and I’m sure that ranting online about foodies has been done before and will be done again. But I’m willing to join those ranks if it has a chance to stop Yelp reviewers.

I’m actually not sure what a foodie is. All I’m sure of is that it’s not a real thing. If you are a self-proclaimed foodie then please, at least while you’re dining in a restaurant, keep it to yourself.

Before I vent about my disdain for foodies I must say that I don’t actually hate them. I don’t actually hate anyone. You are free to do as you wish with your life given the assumption you believe in free will.

But if I had to choose someone to hate, save for the obvious devious and evil figures in the world, it would be the foodie. I just don’t understand. So, you like to eat food and that’s the requirement? Isn’t eating just a requirement for living?

If we’re following that line of reasoning then not only am I, and everyone else, a foodie but we’re also airies, wateries, and homeostasisies.

I suppose the actual definition of a foodie is someone who eats at restaurants and rates the food and service. That’s fine, no one wants to go to a restaurant and eat bad food and have bad service. You’re such a hero, thank you so much. But is that what’s happening?

If you, a foodie, dined at a restaurant and then publicly shamed a server by name on the internet what you are doing is putting that server out of work. You are subjecting the world to your self-proclaimed justice in the attempt to warn people of some minor inconvenience you had in the form of a dining experience.

I don’t think foodies understand how crazy that is.

When I think of public shaming I think of some medieval village throwing tomatoes at a guy that stole a chicken, or someone being accused of witchcraft. I’m sure no one back then went to a tavern and told everyone about how the server didn’t refill their waters on time or forgot the names of all the tequilas they had in stock.

Another thing foodies don’t understand is the thing they love so much. They can’t cook like a chef can cook.

There are lots of writers on here so imagine everyone you see at the coffee shop stops you and tries to tell you how to write, and then they tell other people in the shop that you’re writing is subpar in their opinion. Then you ask them if you can read their writing and they say, “Oh, I’m not a writer, I just critique writing.” You would probably tell them to shut the fuck up then.

The same applies to foodies. Unless you’re a chef, I don’t want to hear or read about your opinions on other chef’s food. You sound like those guys that sit on the couch all day and judge professional football player's abilities. It’s insane.

Foodies are never restaurant people. They don’t work in restaurants yet they have become the bosses of these places. Restaurant staff has enough to worry about. They don’t need you to come in and put their job at risk because you think you’re opinions about food need to be heard online.

I promise you, you’re not that important. No one is important enough for them to go into restaurants and judge people who are, overworked and underpaid. Restaurant staff do not make that much money and yet they are under constant threat of losing their job because of foodies. What other job is there that the entirety of the general public is their judge, jury, and executioner?

So, please if you’re one of these people that thinks they need to walk into a restaurant and profess their self-proclaimed justice on the world, do the world a bigger favor and shut the fuck up.

Thank you for reading. Peace and love to you and yours.

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