Finding Yourself Again as a New Mother
When I was a new mother, I felt like very few people actually knew what I was going through.
I was surrounded by a lot of support — my mom, my mother-in-law, all my family — but I didn’t think anyone truly got it. Even when I would talk to other moms, including my own mom, they usually had older kids so it was harder for them to step back into the feelings of those first few months.
I lost myself as a new mother.
I didn’t even expect it to go that way. I was so optimistic during my pregnancy. I knew it was going to be hard but I felt like I could take it on and figure it out. After all, that’s what I had done with the rest of my life.
Well, reality slapped me hard in the face. My daughter and I went through a traumatic birth experience and that set the tone for our first few months together. Everything was HARD. My postpartum healing was hard. My breastfeeding journey was hard. Sleep routines were hard. Self-care was impossible. But emotionally, I felt like an empty shell of the optimistic go-getter that I once was. I probably cried more tears in those first few months than I had in my entire life combined.
I think one of the hardest parts about those first few months was this overwhelming feeling that I was failing as a mother. Wasn’t I supposed to be enjoying those precious moments more? Shouldn’t I be able to handle it all? After all, there are countless mothers who came before me who could do it. The comparison to what I should be feeling and what I was actually feeling was suffocating.
So how did I come out of it? Well, it took time, lots of support and putting one foot in front of the other. I wish I could say that there was a silver bullet for my motherhood healing journey, but that simply isn’t true.
Here are the three things though that I think helped me the most:
01 — Talking about it
There were weeks when I bottled up all my overwhelming feelings inside and there were weeks when I slowly let some air out by sharing with someone what I was really going through. It’s hard to open up so it definitely didn’t happen all the time, but when I found the right person, time and space to do it, I felt like I could breathe a little easier.
02 — Moments alone
I love my daughter, without question. And yet, I felt this obligation to always be by her side in those early days. The challenge was that it didn’t leave any room for me to process what I was going through. Over time I got more confident to ask for help and those times I had alone really helped me take care of myself in whatever way I needed to. I think it’s so important that if I were to have a second child, I would strongly consider getting some paid help. There are some beautiful postpartum doulas out there who are ready to do just that.
03 — Time
I had to give it time. I would feel emotional and overwhelmed, then I would feel okay again. My feelings would flip flop all over the place but over time, everything steadily got better and better. One of the motherhood coaches I once worked with had some beautiful wisdom. She said that our transition into motherhood tends to last two years. While that may seem daunting after just giving birth, I think the real wisdom is that everything will get better with time. It just will.
If you’re a new mother going through all of this right now, please know that I see you and I hear you mama. I’ve been in that same place myself and I know how hard it can be some days. Don’t get me wrong, there are many beautiful, joyful moments bringing a child into the world, but there are also many challenging ones too.
If you need support for whatever you’re going through, please reach out to someone. I’d love to be one of those people to support you, but even it’s not me, talk to someone. You need all the help you can get mama!
With love, Megan
Originally published at https://yourmoderncoach.com on November 30, 2021.