Finding Your (Female Asian) Voice At The Table

“You are a woman. You are Asian. You are tiny and you look really young. Just how do you make people listen to you at meetings?”

First of all, you can’t make anyone do anything. But you can make yourself heard and earn your voice at meetings.

I started my career in the corporate world about 15 years ago and very soon moved to China where the language was initially an issue and at a time when people would rather speak to my male assistant than to me, simply because I am not a man. So, how do you find your voice?

1. Bring Your Posture (Not Armour) to the Table

When I was a young associate, I noticed people would dress to impress — some had fancy cufflinks, expensive silk ties, powerful-looking suits (no shoulder pads, those went out of fashion when I started working), shirts with initials embroidered on the sleeves, 3-inch high stilettos and even fake reading glasses without any prescription (or worse, without any actual lenses! I never understood their purpose, they just looked ridiculous).

Many of us need a form of armour and often suit up with fancy attire and accessories to bolster our confidence. For me, I, unfortunately, started my career with a full set of metal braces that took up pretty much my entire round face. When you looked at me, you see metal. I was often mistaken for a pre-college summer intern.

Also, I am not tall. I am that person who enters a meeting room, sits down and then awkwardly and nosily cranks the chair upwards, just so I could be at eye-level with everyone else.

That was when I realised that if I lifted myself up, sat upright, pulled my shoulders back and looked at people when I talked, people actually noticed me. No one is going to pay much attention to someone who is slouching into the chair and mumbling, even if that person is decked out in an Armani suit.

2. Go Prepared (Or Ask Questions)

You do not need to know the answer to every issue to be discussed. But think about the agenda, the purpose of the meeting, and who the attendees are. Find an issue that you have thoughts on, that you can share your expertise on and present or provide input on that topic.

You have been invited to the meeting, which means you have been recognised as someone who might have valuable input and people do want to hear from you. You have a perspective that others might not have.

Ok, sometimes we attend meetings and we really have nothing to say, nothing to contribute and we know nothing about the topics discussed. That is ok. But pay attention, listen and ask questions. There truly is no stupid question and remember that we have all been there at some stage of our career and if your career is moving in the right trajectory, you will continue to find yourself in situations where you know nothing about certain issues. In order to progress, you have to move forward and upwards — this means putting yourself in situations that might be uncomfortable, where you are no longer the know-it-all and have to learn, and you learn by checking your pride and asking questions.

3. Be Confident (But No Lying)

If you have something to contribute, say it. Say it with confidence. Act like you are the expert. Don’t sell yourself short. Very often, I hear people qualify themselves with the following:

• “I think / Maybe / What if we implemented this plan …”: If you have a point to make, be assertive and make it. Being assertive is not the same as being aggressive and you do not need to soften your tone by leading with these qualifiers. Oftentimes, your point is buried under these qualifiers and either not heard or misunderstood. Be concise and clear.
• “I’m sorry but I would like to say this …”: No. What are you apologising for? There are too many apologies in meetings and I always wonder what people are sorry for. Are you apologising for having a view? Have you offended someone? Are you interrupting someone? If not, then stop apologising and get straight to your point.
• “If I am mistaken or if others have more information, please feel free to chime in …”: Why do you already assume that you might be wrong or that others might know more? If people want to chime in, they will pipe up. You don’t need to give them an invitation to speak by putting yourself down. You can always open the floor to questions when you are done or if this is an open discussion, invite people to share their thoughts along the way.

Speaking with confidence is not the same as lying. If you really do not know something, do not come up with rubbish responses and promises. People can sense a lie and nothing is worse than losing your integrity and being dishonest. You don’t want to be known as someone who is not credible. If you do not know the answer to a question or if you need time to think through the answer, be honest about that. Be gracious and tell people that you need to consult others or need to check on a point, and that you will get back to the group with a response. No one is expected to know everything all the time and people appreciate honesty.

4. Don’t Get Emotional — Louder Is Not Always Better

There is a difference between being emotional and being passionate. Unfortunately for women, we are often tagged with being emotional, which I think is unfair given I have witnessed far more emotional outbursts from men than women — sadly, actions such as banging fists on the table, cursing, ripping documents in dramatic fashion, are not seen as “emotional” if they come from a man.

We need to remember that disagreements are ok and in fact, can be healthy. It is good to be challenged and to consider a wide range of possibilities and perspectives. When challenged with a dissenting view, you do not have to raise your voice and you do not have to sound aggressive just to show that you are right and the other person is wrong.

Many people think they can bulldoze their way by being the louder, more aggressive person in the room. That’s just rude. You do not have to be that person. Similarly, you do not have to be afraid of that person. If you have a valid point, you have a valid point. Just make your point in a clear, concise and calm manner. Be firm and maintain eye contact. People are often disarmed by someone who is calm and collected.

5. Always Follow-up, Be Accountable

If there is an action plan and you have agreed to do something, do it. Do it within the deadline and provide regular updates if necessary. This puts you on people’s radar as someone who is reliable and a team player, and they will remember your name. They will be more focused to hear what you have to say at the next meeting simply because you have already established yourself as someone who is dependable and can get things done. There are too many people who have a lot to say and make all types of promises during meetings but when it is time to see the deliverables, these people are suddenly very silent.

Be accountable and hold others accountable. Follow-up with others on their tasks. People will take you more seriously if they know you take yourself and the job seriously.

It is time to stop sitting on the sidelines at a meeting. Remember that you have a lot to offer. You have been given a chair, so sit on it like you own it and sit straight and tall. Breathe and speak up.