Finding Stability in Instability

As we slowly edge our way out of a global pandemic, the sentiment that I am hearing the most is, “I want to travel again.” Students and friends alike are gingerly dipping their toes back into the travelling pool, desperate to be anywhere other than in their homes for another day, week, month. All around the world, people are eager to jumpstart their stalled lives back into a flurry of activity. I, however, am almost the complete opposite of the general collective. I have travelled more in the last three years than I have in near on the last three decades!

My life may be the very definition of instability. I don’t own any property or even a piece of furniture. My name doesn’t appear on a lease, for the last three years I haven’t owned a car, and I have a sum total of twenty-eight boxes spread over two cities in two different countries on two separate continents. Officially, the place where I feel the most at home is merely a tourist destination until I figure out how to change my visa status. I have been scraping to make ends meet for the last five years, was almost homeless in the US, and lived in a ghetto in Costa Rica for a few months.

If instability was a picture, it would look like me.

This was not always the case, however. Five years ago I was renting a three-bedroom house filled with everything I could possibly need in the northern suburbs of Perth, Western Australia. I had a 9–5 job that paid a reasonable salary, had a car that was fully paid for, free healthcare, a growing social security account, had just graduated from my second degree, and was ready to put all that education to good use as a therapist.

In other words, I was the picture of stability.

So how on earth did I go from one extreme to the other? My articles Travelling As A Single Middle-Aged Woman, Part 1: How I Got Here and Travelling As A Single Middle-Aged Woman, Part 2: How I Survived will answer that question for you. The purpose of this article is not to delve into my story, but to investigate how I am finding stability within my current instability.

I would also be remiss if I didn’t add that astrologically, I’m Cancerian. This zodiac sign is wrought with the need for stability, a home to call ours, routine, and domesticity. It shakes our very foundations like an 8.5 earthquake when these things are missing from our lives. Without that little basement apartment in the suburbs of London, Ontario, to return to every five or six months, I’m not sure how well I would be doing trying to find stability within instability.

Believe it or not, it has been very simple things that have brought me comfort through this turbulent time.

90s sitcoms

Yes folks, strangely enough, the voices of Frasier and Niles arguing over which opera recording is the best, or Chandler hitting the rest of his friends with a sarcastic quip, gets me through more than you could imagine. I have been a 90s sitcom fan since, well, the 90s! By now, I know these characters inside and out, and hearing them carry on their daily conversations makes me feel less alone, especially when my head decides to abscond with my emotions down Alice’s blasted rabbit hole!

You’ll be surprised at how comforting this can be.

Yoga

Practicing yoga at least three times a week has been a Godsend! I’ve spoken to dozens of people about the benefits of yoga and the thing that surprises them the most is that yoga calms your central nervous system and releases emotions. I will never forget being stuck in Australia and struggling immensely with my emotions whilst trying to figure out how to get back to my partner and my kitty in the US. I was staying with a friend and disappeared for an hour to do some yoga to reset. When I walked back into the room, she looked at me with complete surprise and asked if I had received some good news. “No, why?” I asked. “You seem relaxed and your expression has changed. Your whole body looks different,” she said.

It was then that I realized how powerful one yoga session can be and my weekly practice has kept me calm in the most challenging of circumstances.

Music

I am a country music lover, and whilst I have been teased about this in every place I’ve lived other than Texas, it brings me great joy. For me country music is visceral, sometimes it makes me cry, other times it makes my heart soar, it makes me want to sing along, but more importantly, it fills me with hope. I plug in my earphones and stare out the window at the beauty passing by on long train and bus journeys as I smile at memories of horse noses, Bud Light cans, and trucks cruising down two-lane roads. You can read part 1, part 2, and part 3 of my adventures in Texas to join me in my meanders down memory lane.

Staying Focused on my Future

Whilst country music lifts my spirit, it also keeps me focused on dreams of someday owning my own ranch filled with horses, cats, deer, squirrels, and any of the other numerous critters that steal my heart. I am stubbornly determined to be a successful writer and believe that I have the chutzpah to do so. I also plan to go back to university, not for any vocational benefits, but merely for the love of study. I dream big and do my best to ignore those that look at me as if I am steeped in delusion, and I encourage you to do the same.

It’s the law of attraction in its purest form — what have you got to lose?

A Mantra

This may sound trite but the words “this too shall pass” has pulled my butt out of more catastrophic thought spirals than I care to mention. It’s true that I have survived 100% of my worst days, and for that I am immensely proud. These four monosyllabic words infuse me with the faith that I will continue to do so, no matter the sh!tstorm that’s taking me along for a ride.

I know that when I wake each morning that a new day brings new possibilities and I hold on to that thought for dear life.

Walking

Again, such a simple task but such an important one for me. This morning, for example, I set out for a walk in the Bavarian countryside and my mind was on fire as I stressed myself out about some accommodation that I need to arrange. Twenty minutes into my meander between two adjoining farms, my mind started to clear. I decided to focus only on today, not tomorrow, not next week which can be where some of the monsters lie, but just today. A small to-do list formed in my mind and with each step, my mountain returned to a small hill, one that I was perfectly equipped to scale.

I wish I could have added meditation to my list but I’m failing miserably at it at present. There are times where I am in the zone and practice daily and times where I just can’t. Either way, I have learned not to berate myself for it. I do it when I can.

The main thing that creates stability in my life of instability, however, are four simple letters: hope. I work hard, I’m building a brand, and I’m building a career as a writer. I released my first book in September 2021, The Well-Travelled Cat, and I strongly believe that my future lies with my storytelling abilities, plus it brings me such joy! How on earth can something that brings me so much happiness lead to my own destruction? Yeah, don’t answer that question, I’d like to keep my current level of sanity, thank you very much!

There are days where the instability is just too much and I don’t know how I’ll be able to go on living this way at almost fifty, but here’s the truth of the matter, stability can be found in the smallest of things: a message from a friend that makes me feel temporarily connected to a life that I often feel disconnected from, a smile from a stranger, encouraging words from my readers, an interaction with a student that lifts my spirit, a good yoga session, a walk in a beautiful place, a meal that feels like it’s been kissed by the angels, a song that brings back beautiful memories.

Stability lies within all of us, deep down where we seldom go unless we have to. Easy to reach but not always easy to do. The long and short of it is that stability isn’t found in a home, a large bank balance, a nearby community, a pet, and whilst these things make us feel stable, they can be fleeting. Stability is a feeling, a knowing that we are all we need.

I encourage all of us to go after the physical comforts of stability but please don’t forget to foster the most important one, you!