Finding Romance in Gender-Equal Denmark

Dating in a foreign country is always tricky; dating in Scandinavia is a whole other animal

Afew years ago, I arrived in Denmark high on expectations and lured in by the promise of hygge, bicycle rides. and tall Viking-like men who supposedly knew their way around the kitchen.

Yet coming from two traditional cultures, Russian and American, I was used to all the expressions of manhood that came with a macho stereotype. Needless to say, after a few months of pursuing romance in the land of gender equality, I was shaken up.

Luckily, I did end up meeting and marrying a Dane who was perfect for me. But not before I learned a few hard facts about dating in Denmark or Scandinavia in general.

A Danish man isn’t likely to make the first move

If smooth-talking Italian men are not your cup of tea, you might just like a Dane. Humble and quiet, at least until they get a few pints in them, Danish men rarely approach a woman first, too scared to offend her, or get rejected. From the first wink online to the first kiss, ladies often have to make the move themselves.

A local friend of mine joked that Danish men arrive in a new relationship “pre-broken” by masculine Danish women. They are rarely the ones wearing the pants in the family and are much more willing to please than American men.

With all that in mind, it pays to be proactive with Danish men. They’ll certainly appreciate you for that. I wouldn’t have met and married my husband if I didn’t drop a few hints along the way.

Chances are he will have children

As soon as you step off the plane in Copenhagen, you’ll notice that Danes love having children and they start early. Everywhere you look, there are cute blond babies: on their parents’ backs, in bike carriages and in strollers left unattended outside coffee shops (the side-effect of the Danish trust system and obsession with fresh air).

It also seems that there are more involved and happy fathers here than anywhere else I’ve seen. In Denmark, it’s cool to be a dad. It’s also cool to get a divorce, which fifty percent of Danes do. It takes ten minutes, ten Euros, and zero judgement to get one online.

What’s left is a large amount of single dads looking for new love.

According to the dating profiles I’ve seen, it seems that a Danish man’s most important assets are his height and how many children he has, if any. A single guy in his 30’s without kids is considered a rarity in Denmark, and perhaps a weirdo.

Be ready to pay for your drink

No, not every time and most likely not on the first date. But eventually it’s expected for a woman to offer to split the bill. Unaware of this practice at first, I was shocked when a Dane I was out on the second date with suggested that I “get a round” as soon as we entered a bar. We never went out again.

To save yourself from the embarrassment of being explained local customs by a man you’re out with, it’s better to beat him to it and offer to buy a drink. For the old-fashioned ladies, this might be a hurdle but it’s worth giving it a try. This a good starting point for practicing true gender equality.

Carry your own suitcase

It might be a stereotype but yes, in Denmark you’ll have to carry your own groceries, open your own door, and put together your own IKEA furniture.

I knew a couple of guys who considered themselves old-fashioned and made a point of doing those things for a woman. But even they often had to be reminded.

Of course, if you politely ask for help, most men will gladly assist you. It’s just not in their upbringing to think of it first. But hey, this is what women have been fighting for, isn’t it?

Don’t expect to be going out on every date

In Denmark, the land of some of the highest taxes and prices in the world, eating out is mostly reserved for special occasions. Instead, it’s perfectly normal, and expected, to entertain your friends, relatives and even dates in the privacy of your own home.

Luckily, Danes love home cooking, candles and cozying up on the sofa more than anything. Almost every Danish apartment features a beautiful dining table, large enough to fit at least six people, and atmospheric spot lighting — the country’s specialty. What else do you need for a romantic night out, or in?

So when a man invites you to his place for your second date, it doesn’t mean he’s being presumptuous. He might just have coziness on his mind.

Allow to be cooked for

While Danish men might not pay the restaurant bill in full, prepare to be pampered at home. With so much emphasis placed on intimate home gatherings and “hygge” (the Danish art of being cozy), Danes are experts at creating a warm, inviting atmosphere accompanied by quality food and drinks.

Danish men are no exception. Taught to care for themselves since early age, they’re good at cooking, cleaning and taking care of their homes. And boy, can they cook. We’re not talking fried eggs or a bowl of pasta. You can expect anything, from a traditional Danish smørrebrod sandwich to an elaborate three-course meal.

After they cook for you, Danish men will happily do the dishes, too. This, for me, was a breath of fresh air after chips-and-beer-on-the-couch American style romance.

You might have to sleep under separate blankets

While in America sharing a bed with your partner is considered one of the advantages of being in a relationship, in Denmark romance starts with a good night’s sleep. Even if it means spending the night under separate blankets and on separate mattresses.

Instead of US-favorite queen or king-sized beds, even the coupled-up Danes prefer single beds pushed together. The idea is that it gives both partners the ability to control their sleep settings and protects them from their loved one’s tossing and turning.

When I first noticed this set-up at a friend’s house, I thought it was his oddity, but he reassured that it was the norm in Scandinavia. Even in Danish IKEA, single beds, mattresses and bedding are a standard and, if you’re a couple, you have to buy two of everything.

A big romantic and a cuddler, I personally would never think of choosing comfort over affection. However, your loved one does look much more appealing when you’re well-rested.

Denmark might not be the land of romance in a traditional sense, but don’t be quick to dismiss Danish men.

True, they won’t shower you with flowers and compliments on the first date. But with their humility, cooking, cleaning and parenting skills, and a desire to please, they might just make the best long-term partners.