Finding Powerful Responses to Stonewalling

Stonewalling can make you feel powerless, these 3 responses will remind you that you are not

Have you been stonewalled?

Being stonewalled sucks. You know how it goes. You’re discussing an emotional topic or trying to negotiate a conflict when the person you’re speaking with stops talking or shrugs and walks away. Your efforts at compromise or repair are useless.

Just as the name suggests, being stonewalled is like talking to an actual stone wall. It’s lonely, confusing and makes you feel completely powerless.

What is stonewalling?

Stonewalling is the refusal to engage in constructive communication or the deliberate withdrawal from an interaction. Someone who is stonewalling often remains silent for hours or even days, refuses to acknowledge your presence, or gives minimal, uninformative responses.

Stonewalling has a powerful emotional impact. The stonewaller is clearly upset. You can feel the tension and sense the hurt, but you have no specific information about what is upsetting the other person.

When you are being stonewalled, you are left with a burdensome yet vague sense of being wrong. Most people struggle to identify a powerful response to this difficult behavior.

Let’s look at an example of stonewalling:

Krista and Jan are discussing weekend plans when Jan reveals that she will have to do some work on Saturday because a deadline got moved up by her boss.

Krista: Oh, that sucks. Will you still be able to do dinner on Saturday? Jan: I think so, I’ll do everything I can to get the work done early. Krista: Okay. Jan: Are you upset? Krista: I mean, whatever, there’s nothing I can do. Jan: Do you want to talk about it? Krista: No, it’s fine. Jan: Okay, I’m really sorry. Krista: (doesn’t answer and is no longer making eyecontact) Jan: Are you hungry? We could order in. Krista: (shrugs) Jan: Are you sure you don’t want to talk? Krista: (shrugs again and turns on the t.v.).

In this example, we can imagine that Krista may have good reasons for being upset about the change in plans. For example, perhaps Jan frequently prioritizes work over time with Krista, or fails to set appropriate boundaries with her boss. The problem is, the stonewalling behavior blocks communication about these issues, rather than expose them for further exploration. Jan can continue to plead for an explanation, or she can remain in the dark. Does she really have any powerful communication options?

Powerful responses to stonewalling

Being stonewalled can make you feel powerless, but don’t give up. You can respond with confidence and take the reigns back. Powerful reactions do not have to be angry or aggressive. The strategies below position you to face reality, care for yourself, and communicate clearly; all powerful tools to navigate a challenging situation with confidence.

Powerful Response #1: Don’t take it personally

Remember that when someone stonewalls they are in distress. Their emotional distance is a defense mechanism to cope with overwhelming emotions. Unfortunately, in this moment, stonewalling is the best they can do. This is not meant to excuse unskillful behavior, but it is essential to realize that you are dealing with someone who is actively struggling with vulnerability and self-expression.

In this moment, it’s not you, it’s them. Only they can decide when they are ready to talk. Don’t try to coax someone out of stonewalling. Coaxing or pleading will drain your energy and set an unhealthy precedent in your relationship. You don’t ever want to have to beg someone to talk to you. If you notice that urge in yourself, it’s time for tip #2.

In the example of Jan and Krista, Jan can remind herself that Krista is struggling to communicate and is clearly overwhelmed. She can notice her urge to plead for Krista’s attention, but must stop herself knowing that pleading will not be effective for either of them.

Powerful Response #2: Focus on self-care

A stonewaller can’t care for you any better than an actual stone wall can. In fact, in that state, they can’t care for themselves. When you are being stonewalled, shift your focus to caring for yourself as soon as you can.

Some people struggle with a sense of guilt at this point, often because stonewalling looks like a cry for help. If you are struggling with guilt, please remember that every person must first and foremost take care of themselves. We all know this as the -put the oxygen mask on yourself first- approach.

If we adhere to this approach, we can also expect the stonewaller to calm down, care for themselves and take responsibility to express themselves more constructively in the near future.

If we use the example of Jan and Krista, Jan’s self-care could be ordering food or leaving the room to do something soothing like take a shower or read a book (rather than hovering around Krista hoping that she will start talking).

Powerful Response #3: Set clear boundaries

It can feel strange to express a boundary with someone who is barely acknowledging your presence, but you’ll need to do this to reconnect with your sense of agency and self-respect.

Clearly and calmly let the stonewaller know that you’d like to continue the conversation when they feel ready. Let them know that being stonewalled is hurtful and you’d like them to work on finding new strategies for managing conflict. You can also let them know that you won’t be able to stonewalling if it become their routine response to conflict.

Do not expect them to answer. This is where many people go wrong. If you apply a lot of pressure on someone who is stonewalling, you’re likely to push them to a point of full overwhelm and the conflict will likely escalate from there.

In the example of Jan and Krista, Jan could say, “Hey, I’m really sorry about having to work. I can sense you’re upset about it and I’m willing to talk more. I’m going to order some take-out and then relax in the bedroom for a bit. If you feel like talking, please let me know.”

If Krista’s stonewalling behavior is repetitive, Jan could say, “I’m frustrated that you shut me out when we have conflicts. I need you to talk to me about your feelings and if you can’t, I’d like you to work on it.”

NOTE on Stonewalling and abuse: Stonewalling can be a sign of emotional abuse when it is used repeatedly and deliberately to control another person’s emotions or decisions. Abusive stonewalling is used to create a power imbalance within the relationship. The stonewaller seeks to maintain control by preventing the other person from expressing their needs, thoughts, or concerns. This is different from stonewalling as a symptom of emotional overwhelm. If you are unsure of the role of stonewalling in a relationship you are in, please seek professional support and guidance.

I hope that you feel more powerful than stonewalling after reading this story. If you try some of these powerful responses to stonewalling, let me know how it goes!

Thanks for reading! I’m always happy to answer questions related to relationships. Feel free to ask questions in the comment section!