Finding Myself in Chronic Illness
Self-esteem when it really matters.
Life is not predictable. I would never have predicted that chronic pain, fatigue, and anxiety would become my companions for over a decade.
When they showed up, my whole life plan went out the window. My goals began to seem unachievable, and in time even unimportant.
What’s left when you can no longer work towards your goals? When the path you are on ends abruptly? I had a graduate degree, a husband, three children, and a dream to become a missionary. I found myself in bed more often than not, fatigued to my core. Memory loss, brain fog, and pain limited me in new ways. What now?
I felt like I had no map and no clear destination. I didn’t even have the energy to take one more step. Everything was harder than it used to be and I didn’t even know where I was going anymore. My life had changed drastically.
As I sat with the awareness that I could no longer contribute the way I used to, no longer pull my weight, I began to lose my sense of self. I became dis-contented and felt worthless. My self-esteem tanked.
How can I be valuable when the things that matter are no longer attainable?
Searching For Value
It took many years to make progress in this area. I spent a lot of time trying to regain what I had lost. I tried to develop a new career; surely I could do something within my new limitations. I tried to create systems to keep up with the housework. Living in a messy house was embarrassing and stressful. When those attempts failed, I put everything I had left into my kids.
“Being a good mother is valuable,” I thought. “This is something I can do.”
As it turns out, being a good mother is really hard. Harder than I expected. My definition of a good mother involved lots of energy. Playdates, road trips, extra-curricular activities. Being emotionally available at all times (did I mention I’m an introvert?). Volunteering at school, and eventually even homeschooling. These things took every last ounce of my limited energy, but I was determined. I wanted my kids to have everything and I needed to feel like I mattered.
I’ve now been at home with my kids for 15 years. We’ve been homeschooling for the last five years. I can say with certainty that I will never feel like I have achieved Gold Status as a mother. No matter what you do, how much you sacrifice, how determined you are, no one can be a perfect mother. Lessons are learned in hindsight and the journey is as unpredictable as your children.
This journey of motherhood, of changing directions and looking for meaning, has altered my definition of success and value. Success no longer equates to what I can accomplish in a career, how tidy I can keep a home, or even how good I am at motherhood. Honestly, I can’t perfect any of those things and I don’t want to tie my self-esteem to something so elusive.
Finding What Really Matters
I am coming to understand that my character is what actually determines my value as a person. Who I am matters.
I didn’t fully understand this when I was healthy. I thought I was a good person, good enough. I didn’t understand the effort that is necessary to build character. I also didn’t see how important it truly is.
From this new perspective, I can see that the more I develop my character, the more I have to offer to the world. I can no longer be the smartest, fastest, or strongest. But I can offer love, patience, and peace to those around me. I can add value to any situation by being a better version of myself. That is as simple as it gets.
“Strive not to be a success, but rather to be of value.”
— Albert Einstein
I want to add value to the world. I want to bring my best to my loved ones. When they are anxious, I want to bring peace. When they are feeling unworthy, I want to bring love. I want to live from a place of joy, regardless of my circumstances. I want to offer kindness and gentleness, even when I am in pain. The world has enough ambition and self-centeredness. I want to live a life that is valuable.
If you’d like to dig deeper into the idea of building character, this story is for you:
