Finding Independence
Coming to know yourself through divorce
I discovered independence at the moment in which I decided that I was enough.
Independence became true for me the day that I was no longer willing to be held back from doing things in my life simply because I had no one to do them with. And to be honest this took a long time; over two years post-divorce. But one day this became so abundantly clear to me that it has changed the quality of my life since.
In discovering this sense of independence, which of course had been there dormant all along, I also found joy and rediscovered my sense of empowerment. I began to experience life more, to move out of my comfort zone, and to truly live more fully.
I drove out of my bubble, through the one-way streets of downtown which had always terrified me to the point of avoidance, and I began to enjoy the adventure of it all. I started to hike alone, which became one of my favorite self-care and strength-building experiences.
You truly get to know yourself in nature, challenging yourself on downward slopes and upward battles; lots of ups and downs in nature, as in life itself.
I began to regularly eat out alone and I loved it. You never know who you’re going to meet at the sushi bar but odds are they will be friendly and independent like you. I have actually made some close friends this way.
I drive out of town alone and enjoy every moment of singing at the top of my lungs to the same song on repeat for hours, and no other human would tolerate that!
I even went to a 4th of July parade with myself one year, because why not?! I have no one to answer to but myself. It is freeing and I have grown to appreciate it.
For as long as I can remember I have always done things for someone, to please someone, in spite of someone or to prove something to myself or others.
I have rarely done things in life simply for the autotelic experience itself. In the beginning, it was a very strange and unfamiliar place for me to be, but I have grown into it and it has changed my life in ways I could not have imagined. Today, four years post-divorce I am more grounded than I have ever felt, more whole and complete than I ever imagined possible, more capable than I ever knew, and surer of who I am than I have ever been. I am grateful for the journey, as grueling as it has been at times, that has led me here.
Divorce is like a marathon; it is a long journey of self-discovery. It will tear you down and build you up. You have to commit to go the distance to get to the other side.
You have to stay the course and trust the process. You have to work on yourself. You have to be willing to look within to the depths of your soul and to do what it takes to build your strength by pushing past any perceived limits.
Nothing great comes without struggle.
When I first ran (more like crawled) my first marathon, I had no idea I could push myself to such great distances. I had only ever run three miles prior to signing up. I truly did not know if it was possible. But it was, and I went on to run two more that year and to eventually complete a triathlon as well. Some days I felt great and others I simply put one foot in front of the other. In the end, I got through the struggle and found a sense of power that was not there before.
This is transformation. It is the bringing about of something entirely new. This is what’s possible on the other side of struggle.
A friend once told me “it’s as if you got your power back,” and in response, I replied “that’s just the thing. I never had it quite like this to begin with”.
I am someone entirely new today than I have ever been. And I like her.
I am not a more or less this or that version of my old self. Sure, I resemble her, be it with my work ethic or my positive nature or my happy loving disposition, but in my insides, in the way in which I see, relate to, and experience the world I am entirely different. There is peace, an acute sense of self-awareness and clarity, an inner knowing, and a grounding I have never felt before. And it is possible for all of us.
The secret, I believe, is in our willingness to go through the process; to endure the struggle, to intimately come to know our perfectly imperfect selves, and to breathe into and laugh along the journey. This is the path toward self-love, toward self-actualization, toward authenticity and towards powerfully living a life we love.
Go through the process. You will crumble and you will rise. Cry your heart out, on the floor, for days. Let your feelings change every three minutes or less. They’re just feelings, they pass. Eat or don’t eat; worse things have happened. Drink one too many beers on occasion; just don’t drive. Kiss twenty-somethings, just don’t expect anything more out of them. Go for older men and younger men. Get your heart broken again and again. Hearts heal. Love on your kids; you’ll be on top of your game when they’re home and fall apart when they leave, but that gets better with time too, you’ll see.
Allow yourself to be wherever it is that you are.
Eat too many carbs. Work out too much, or don’t work out at all. Be the best damn mom you can be today. Drink wine. Make mistakes. Take a job. Quit a job. Speak your mind. Express yourself. Stand up for yourself. Overshare on social media if it makes you feel good, if it helps you feel connected, or go offline if you so choose.
Allow yourself to break down. You will heal.
Make new friends but keep the old. Good friends stick around until you’re ready to talk, if ever; they know it’s not about them. Make it about you. Take care of you, whatever that looks like for you today. Make single friends. Create a single mom tribe. It’s ok if your married friends don’t get you, how could they?
Find others who have been through this before you and not just survived but thrived.
Cry on their shoulder and let them remind you that you too will be ok, that you too will thrive.
Life is an ongoing journey of becoming; it never ends. Life ebbs and flows and we come to know ourselves along the way. Divorce just happens to be a part of your life journey, allow it to unfold. Go through your process; have the courage to do so.
Like the butterfly that must struggle against its cocoon to strengthen her wings to fly, you too can come out strong and beautiful on the other side.