Finding Happiness in the Impermanence of Life

How to Use Endings to Make Better Beginnings

Have you ever paid attention to the ending of things? Really paid attention to notice the exact ending of something. It’s not as easy as it sounds. Most things end with little fanfare. One thing ends and something else fills the space so quickly we forget to notice the first thing has gone.

This happens a lot with pain. Pain comes, and it feels as though it will last forever. The brain attaches to the feeling and catastrophizes it, believing it will get worse and worse until we just can’t take it anymore. The mind creates a whole story about the pain. Where did it come from? How did it get there? Did I bring it on myself? It’s so unfair that I’m experiencing this.

And then, the brain gets distracted, as it does, and suddenly, the pain is gone.

But when?

Exactly what point in time did it go away? How did it disappear? Did it dissolve into nothing? Did it build into one tall peak of pain and then crumble into tiny pieces on the way down? Did it just relocate to another point in the body?

These questions are unanswered because the mind was somewhere else, unaware of the pain and its comings and goings.

Turning the attention to notice the endings of things can be an interesting practice to try.

The Buddha said,

“Neither mother, nor father, nor any other relative can do one as much good as one’s own well-directed mind.”

Can a well-directed mind answer the questions about where the pain went? What can we learn when we pay attention to the endings of things?

The Nature of Impermanence

The first thing we notice when trying to find the end of something is how everything is constantly changing. Nothing is free from this constant flow of life. In Buddhism, we call this impermanence and is one of the three marks of existence.

Zen Buddhist teacher, Norman Fischer writes about impermanence in the following way in his article, Impermanence is Buddha Nature, in Lion’s Roar.

“As far as classical Buddhism is concerned, impermanence is the number one inescapable, and essentially painful, fact of life. It is the singular existential problem that the whole edifice of Buddhist practice is meant to address. To understand impermanence at the deepest possible level (we all understand it at superficial levels), and to merge with it fully, is the whole of the Buddhist path. The Buddha’s final words express this: Impermanence is inescapable. Everything vanishes. Therefore there is nothing more important than continuing the path with diligence. All other options either deny or short-shrift the problem.”

But impermanence isn’t always a problem. There is a side to impermanence that is good news. In the example of pain as mentioned earlier, impermanence is a welcome fact. There are many unpleasant experiences that we are happy to turn over to impermanence. It is only problematic when we push it away or crave for more.

So how can paying attention to endings help us become more comfortable with the idea of impermanence?

First, it illuminates how distractable the mind is and how it likes to cling, move on, or push away when endings are near. This has become apparent to me as I practice paying attention to the end of my runs.

I notice that my mind is already moving on to the next thing far before the run is over. I’ll think about how good I’ll feel when the run is finished or what I might tell my boyfriend about the run, maybe how hard it was or how great I felt, or how beautiful the sunrise was. I’ll think about what I have to do after the run or what I will eat when I get home.

Sometimes that sense of accomplishment that usually comes at the end of a run never comes because I was too busy judging myself for feeling sluggish or slow. Whether I’m delving into the future or ruminating on the past, either way, I’m missing the last moments of my run. I’m missing the ending.

Letting Go and Accepting The Present

This past or future mind perspective is how we’re unhappy. It’s how craving or aversion come up. Either state is never satisfied. This is not a present mind. Buddhist teacher, Ayya Khema writes about the challenges when we cling or push away the fact of impermanence.

“Mental and physical phenomena are constantly coming and going, changing without pause. When we hang on to them and consider them ours, we will believe any story our mind tells us, without discrimination. We consist of body, feelings, perceptions, mental formations, and consciousness, which we grip tightly and believe to be “me” and “mine”. We need to take a step back and be a neutral observer of the whole process. The arising and ceasing, which are our teachers, never rest.”

Paying attention to the endings of things is a way to take a step back, like she suggests, and “become a neutral observer.” It’s a way to keep the mind present and focused on what the ending feels like.

I can point to another example from my own life where finding an ending has been elusive and yet bringing awareness to it has gained some insight.

Over a year ago, I got sick. It caused me to stop doing a lot of the activities I loved doing. It devastated me. I gained weight. I lost a huge part of my identity.

And I made it 1000 times worse on myself by clinging to the past.

My mind was fully ruminating on what I used to do. On what my body used to look like. On the loss of all my hard work and effort of being athletic and healthy. I couldn’t let go of what used to be. Impermanence had crashed into my life and I was foolishly and stubbornly pushing it away.

Those ruminating thoughts were driving me into a dark hole. I was depressed and hopeless. Everything I did, from putting on clothes that didn’t fit anymore to having to back off of my activity level, triggered thoughts of who I used to be before I got sick. It felt like I would never get away from those thoughts.

And then one day recently, I noticed something. I noticed that I was feeling happy again. I noticed that getting dressed didn’t send me into a deep depression anymore. I noticed that my runs, rides, and swims weren’t spent comparing myself to what I used to be.

Impermanence had shown up again. But this time it didn’t come crashing in, breaking everything in its path. This time it quietly and gradually made its appearance known.

The Upside of Impermanence

I don’t know when I got better. I can’t tell you the exact day and time that my symptoms went away. But at some point, my depression ended. My health improved. My body got stronger. It didn’t happen all at once. It happened gradually but steadily. As Khema wrote,

“Mental and physical phenomena are constantly coming and going, changing without pause.”

I still don’t have my old body back and I’m not the same person I was before I got sick. I never will be, because of…well, impermanence. But I’m no longer clinging to a past that I can’t get back. My relationship with impermanence has changed. I am accepting the new person who has emerged from this experience and I’m learning how to love all of her.

Norman Fischer poignantly describes the two sides of impermanence later in the same article,

Impermanence is not only loss; it is also change, and change can be refreshing and renewing. In fact, change is always both good and bad, because change, even when it is refreshing, always entails loss. Nothing new appears unless something old ceases. As they say on New Year’s Eve, “Out with the old, in with the new,” marking both a happy and a sad occasion. As with the scene in the Mahaparinibbana Sutta, there’s despair and equanimity at the same time. Impermanence is both.

Noticing the endings of things builds acceptance of impermanence. This is a way to deepen the understanding of the mind and how it relates to the movement of life. It illuminates the habits of clinging and pushing away. These are the self-imposed additions to our suffering that we practice letting go of. Pay attention to the endings, and you will find greater ease with the flow of life.

How to Practice

The best way to practice noticing the endings is during meditation. You can notice the ending of an exhale. Try to pay attention to the exact moment the exhale ends before the inhale begins. Or you can notice bodily sensations. A good one to pay attention to is an itch. Try to notice the exact moment that an itch goes away. How does it disappear? Does it dissolve away? Does it get replaced by something else?

Outside of meditation, you can simply practice bringing awareness to the end of things throughout your day. You can notice the end of a meal or the end of brushing your teeth. How do you know when you are done brushing your teeth? Do you make a conscious decision about it? Or has your mind simply moved onto the next thing on your to-do list? Notice what your mind does when you come to the end of things. Is it planning for the next thing and stealing away the actual ending of the current thing? Is it wanting more and clinging to the moment? Is it deluded and not even noticing that there is an ending happening?

Get curious. You can learn a lot about the habits of the mind. By being present for the ending you will have much smoother beginnings.

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Debby Germino is a freelance tv/film editor who enjoys writing about mindfulness, health, and strategies for happier living. She writes a bi-weekly newsletter and is open to comments and suggestions on any of these topics.